My World

2011-11-30T09:32:00.000-08:00

Light of the world
You shine when all is lost
You brighten the way for me
You brought me warmth
A clear mind
And a warm heart
Father I need you
Light of my world

O.O What ?

2011-11-24T06:36:00.000-08:00

Your crimson hair mirrors the glory of the evening sun
Your blue green eyes enchant those who gaze upon you
Trapping them in a world of marvel and mystery
Your red cheeks are outblushes the roses of the feilds
Your smile metls the blocks of Iceland
Your beauty is a source of life to a dying man
It intoxicates and makes all man want more
Its power makes even the saness man mad
And its like water that rejuvernizes any sold
It never fails or fall dim as time passes
My beloved if only I know your name
You are found in places no one looks
Your kindness amazes me
Your passion entangles me
I am on the brink of being chaos
Thinking about you
Yet I know not where are you
You shy in the shadows
Hidding quietly till I find you

O, my dear library staff
If only you would tell me your name ?

Family of love or abominations

2011-07-04T13:41:00.000-07:00

As I sat half naked and fresh from 13 hours of sleep on board, images and voices from the events hours earlier hit me like a large waves. I tried to hide behind my cold cup of juice and shut my eyes to forget only to find myself meeting face to face. One issue is clear. Family is important.

The saying maybe overated and being used in countless films and movies as a underlying moral theme to educate children of the worth of being united. To be truthful, as I grow older each year, I find myself believing in this value difficult and somewhat estranged to it. As a child, this has been my core belief and trusted value. I would do anything to protect it. But as the years goes by, the family unit becomes irrelevant and troublesome. It becomes an obstacle rather than happiness.

With many arguments and sore discussions, we find ourselves doubting its meaning in the saying "family is important". We find ourselves questioning is it worth it ? May it be precious time spent to find unappreciative remarks by a loved ones or joyless encounters which leaves us dry and tired or even the petty arguments which have many layers deep of issues burying it. What was once so precious only becomes an eye sore.

The question we ought to ask is what happen ? How did we move from the point of "I love you" to the point of " you disgust me " ? What do you think?

2011-07-01T15:01:00.000-07:00

How daring of we, mere humans to desire your love
A spectacle that deserves no honour nor attention
An outcast, a rag worthless and rotten
in comparison with Thee

We make ourselves gods
not knowing You laugh at us
Pitying our endless struggle
O, how have we sinned

To anger thee, the one great creator of universes
The light of all beings and the center of creations
How wrong are we to turn from You
To go against what little kindness You gave

You spin the planets and command the stars
The universe is in the palms of your hands
Time bows down to you
And with a single word, all creation can be turned to destruction

O, how foolish are we,
To turn our backs on Him
To make ourselves greater than He
I shiver and tremble of the thought of angering Him

To the depths of Hell, I find no peace
to the deepest and darkness I hide but to no avail
Because You are there wherever I go
I may hide from men or the devil but I will never hide myself from you

In nothingness You are there
Your words are law
Your might as draws no limits
Your strength extend to no end

And yet
I ... I ...
I am speechless
Awed ,amazed, swept off my feet
knowing this greatest fact in the word
That is
You love me

His Beauty

2011-07-01T14:52:00.000-07:00

Beautiful, Spectacular, Marvelous, Awesome, Sparkling, Radiant, Magnificent, All knowing. Beautiful, beautiful ,beautiful
Words cannot describe You
You are beyond my biggest dreams
Who can compare to You
The author and creator of life
Your works and your being
just looking at you
No words can describe You
My words are meaningless
Letters are not enough
To contained such beauty
Such awe
I tremble at the thought
of your presence
I trembled at the thought
of your audience
A beauty like no other
My God my God my God
You take my breath a way

Here in my little shell

2011-06-18T13:21:00.000-07:00

Here in my little shell,
I am happy
I am unhindered
I can be free

Here in my little shell,
I do not have worries
I do not have a care
I do not have problems

Here in my little shell,
I sheltered from storm,
I succumbed to no foe
I live my life in peace

Here in my little shell,
I wonder what friends are
I wonder what the world is
I wonder what love is

Here in my little shell,
I have no adventure
I have no days to look forward
I have no chance to shine

Here in my little shell,
By my own,
I peak through the small little hold
Too afraid to go
Too afraid venture
Too afraid to love
Too afraid to be who I am
Too afraid to lose control
Too afraid to be something else
Too afraid to become someone outstanding

I want to but I don't want to
This comfort is too much to lose
for the life of uncertainty
for a life of pain and confusion
For a a life of dissatisfaction
For a life of danger
Is it worth it ?

2011-05-10T14:53:00.000-07:00

BAM !The gunshot goes off
they ran with all their might

stood there motionless
trying with all my might
to move even just a step forward
But my legs would not move
and the race has already begun
All there is left is
me

A lonely pony
questioning the reason of my state
gnashing my teeth at the wind
frustrated with the sand
angry with my shoes
but who is there to blame
but me

I need help
someone to pull me out of this water
because if I struggle any further
the deeper I sink
Like quick sand sucking me in
till I am no more

Melodies of Love

2011-03-25T14:24:00.000-07:00

Love Love Love
Everyone is hunting for love
Feels like it is the season for love
As all the land sprouts of Love

Love Love Love
Where art thou ?
I thought I found you
There there there !
But all I found was your shadow

Love Love Love
I looked at the beautiful scenery
The trees, the flowers and the sky
And thought Yes ! Finally I have found you

But Love love love
You hide in the depths
so that no one sees
Those whose seek you
cannot find you
Those who hunt you
Wont even catch a glimpse

Love Love Love
You are a funny thing
Just when I have given up hope
You were there all along staring at me
But I just did not want to see you

A chase after the wind
An idiot who acts smart
Love Love Love
When all else compares to Thee
The world shalt fade
And only Thee my Love
Shall remain

Love Love Love
When the trembles roar
And the my heart apart
There you are silently
Picking me up
Licking my wounds
Pulling me up
Its that you
I do not know
Its that you
I do not see
Its that you
I do not want to FACE

What a magnificent life ?

2011-01-19T16:57:00.001-08:00

What a magnificent life?
It is perfect
No flaw No mistakes

Without shame, without pain
Without sadness
Without boredom

Full of passion
With knowledge and much to attain
No delay nor suppression

A time of joy
with endless excitement
With music and asset
Easily attain

What family and friends
Happy and harmonious

What a magnificent life ?
Just that its a facade
And nothing more

Because you won't enjoy happiness without sadness
Nor cherish passion without coldness
Nor excitement without boredom
Nor friends and family without arguments
Nor satisfaction or comfort without working for it

An inspirational Song

2011-01-17T10:44:00.001-08:00

My Song
Vocals: Girls Dead Monster (marina as Iwasawa)
Lyrics: Maeda Jun
Composition: Maeda Jun
Arrangement: Hikarisyuyo

The day ends while I’m searching for where I can vent my irritations to
The sky turns gray and I can’t see anything beyond it
Those who feign common sense are laughing; what kind of lies will they tell next?
Can you leave the things gotten that way carefully embellished?
But I must move forward to tomorrow
So I’ll sing like this

It’s you who are crying, it’s you who are lonely
You’re right, you’re being human
Tears I’ve shed will say this
It’s not a lie that it’s so beautiful, even like this; thank you for our true selves

There are dreams you want to fulfill and dreams you can’t reach
That itself turns into a dream, turns into hope, and people are able to live on, right?
A door exists; it’s waiting there
So I’ll reach out my hands

For you who are crushed, here’s the strength and confidence for you to be able to fight again and my song
Tears I’ve shed will say this
Thank you to the miracle that we were able to meet in a dirty and ugly world, even like this

Inspiration from Beethoven no,5

2011-01-15T16:43:00.000-08:00

As thousands and thousands of people filled the empty seats of the great hall. Each expecting something magnificent. Each expecting to experience a sense of pleasure, enlightenment and a sense of greatness.

The stage became dark but there was nothing.

But a soft sound is heard

It was sound of sadness and dismayed

One could cry and almost be depressed

Suddenly
The spot light
As the pianist entered a great crescendo
As if giving a loud roar to the audience
One could feel the anger and rage
The stress and anguish
The pain

And then silence

Only the sound of single keys playing
As if little children
whispering their minds
Their loneliness
and the abandonment

As it ends
Another crescendo steps in
as if to echoed the dismayed felt
as if to sing along with the misery
and with a great forte
The pianist stops and finished his great piece
The lights shut

They crowd clapped
They cheered
Many praised and even shouted in delight
of the great music that was heard

There was no words said
But through each note
a message was told
A story enfold
only those who listen
Will heed its calling

JS 2008

2011-01-07T18:08:00.000-08:00

JS 2008

Our school picture ! What am I talking about ? Well, it is a school and its called jeremiah school, hence the name JS. Why did I post it ? Well I would like to tell you that we have all grown since the last post. Many of us have moved on with our lives. Many of us have gone to pursue a degree and a respected future. Some of us have even had life partners and even been very active members in University. Some of have gone overseas and others have stayed back to study. What really amazes me is that we have travelled so far in 3 years that this seems to be only a memory.

Guys if you ever get to read this . How have you been ? Remember the promises we had ? That we would stick together ? I guess that won't happen. It does not matter. How is your walk with God ? Have you strayed away ? Have you been walking beside Him or away from Him ? Have to been destroyed by depression and sad events in your life ? Have you been blinded from what is in front of you that you forgot what is above ? Have you been so afraid of speaking out when you should ? Have you been lost in a maze and seem to be heading the wrong direction ? I wonder.

I am not here to judge because similarly I have been in those questions and doubts. I feel that I am running a rat race with no purpose or end. I guess when times are hard. You become hardened. So guys if you read this, I just have one thing to say ! I am turning my face back to Him. The fact I have not posted this up is to tell you that I want to make this a reality before telling you guys. Anyways take care and be strong.

2011-01-03T18:45:00.000-08:00

Have you ever have the feeling that you are going around in circles like an endless maze ? It a feeling like just when you are about to reach the exit, you find yourself at the start once more. It became so hard that you welled up in your comfort zone. You became so comfortable until you forgot how to try ? I guess things will never move until you take that step forward. Its not that step forward but that unwilling to give up attitude must be present. And Oh yeah, I forgot the most important part. You need someone stronger pulling you out. Guiding you and pulling you out. They play an essential role. As for me, I know God will pull me out because I have faith in Him. Because I know He is good . Because I know that He loves me infinitely that I could never comprehend. He loves my soul and my being. And even though I really don't know what will happen when I pass away. Of which religion is the true way. I am living this live following Christ. For a very simple reason, I believe in Love. Why do sound so vague? What Love am I talking about ? Well ladies and gentlemen, its a warm feeling when comes upon you. You feel that emptiness within you filled. You feel that you belonged in this place. That nothing and nothing can take that place away from you. You ask me why do people run away from this love ? There are many reasons. The first to count is fear. A fear of the unknown, a fear of the troubles, a fear of rejection from loved ones. A fear of discrimination and alienation. Second reason would be pleasure and escapism. They would rather dwell on the "fake" pleasures than to wait for the real deal. And the third. A burn out. That is what happen when one forgets this love. He could recall this feeling as his heart has gone cold. He would accept this love because he cannot sense it anymore. Just like a man who has become blind. It would be heart for love enter his heart.

Three people

2011-01-02T10:26:00.001-08:00

3 people standing in front of me

One who I do not love
One who I hope to loved
One who I loved

One came
One ran
One walked away

Love is a tragedy
It brings pain
It bring grieve
It storm a person's heart

Love is also a haven
It bring comfort
It brings excitement
It brings joy

Three people standing in front of me
And they seem so far away

New heart

2011-01-01T17:54:00.000-08:00

2010 holds many significant changes in my life. Some events are just tragic, Some events have been full of excitement and Some have been heart warming. I just noticed that in every event I have been through there was one person behind it and that is God. Whether it was sitting on my bed and being totally lost and self destructive or on cloud 9 and the adventures. He pulled my through my depression and lost. The pain of separation, the confusion, the fear and the disillusion. He rejoiced with my accomplishments, reliefs, and thought many great life lessons. What holds on ahead ?

I would not like to make a new year resolution in which I might not keep (i checked ). Rather a yearning for a new heart. A new start ! Some tend to celebrate a "birthday" or a celebration to welcome a new perspective in life. I just want to hold on and hopefully walk forward with strength.

A message to you

2010-12-19T08:37:00.001-08:00

If only you could read this, I really wish you could.

Dear friend,
You are going down a path
A path which brings pain
Pain to you and others
Others that love you

You are trying to get attention
Attention that you always got,
Gotten despite you realizing it
It was there beside all along

Along with the love and recognition
Recognition that you thought
You thought you lost
Your lost is found here

Here in this humble heart
Heart that is longing
Longing for your return
Your return that would joyous

Joy and celebration
Celebration when you are found
Found and belong

If only you could hear
Hear my warnings
Warnings and signs
Signs to run and flee
Flee from this path
This path of destruction
Destruction that meets you

If only you could hear

Hope

2010-12-18T09:31:00.000-08:00

Have you ever had those times when you know that someone is going to the wrong direction and there is nothing you can do about it ?
Have you ever felt so helpless waiting at home while others go out and fight ?
Have you ever been in a situation where you could do more to help or console someone?
Have you ever thought that if you could just make that final bit things would turn out alright ?

Image from google

Oscar Wilde once said: "What seems to be bitter trials are often blessing in disguise". I guess what Oscar is trying to impress on us is that if we do not give up or surrender in these situations, perhaps there is oft a silver lining hidden in the clouds and stars in the dark sky. What makes great men and women is the ability to cling on to the tiniest bit of hope and work towards it. I can't seem to find the right words to say if you ever encountered such a disaster or despair in your life but perhaps words from Heinrich Emil Brunner could someone give you some comfort - What oxygen it to lungs, such is hope to the meaning of life

You

2010-12-06T10:43:00.000-08:00

God,

When the sky is too big for me
When it cover my head
When the dark cloud surround me
And its a dead end ahead
You are bigger

When I try to walk from one end to another
And It seems like forever
When I run and never stop
When I have traveled the earth
You are love is wider

When the darkness seems like an eternity
And the brightest light grew dim
When the world is to end
And we cant see the future
You my silver lining

What in the world are you ?

2010-12-06T05:24:00.000-08:00

You don't feel anything
You don't react to anything
And after dismissing your friend
You just carry on with your daily life
I just don't understand what are you ?

You go out with friends of the opposite sex alone
You spent lots of time with ... going on your mini projects
You grow closer as you share your thoughts
And all you expect was to be friends ?
I just can't understand what are you ?

You don't react when you are talked to
You don't heed the warnings that I gave you
You don't see the distress that you have caused
You are normal ... Like a FREAKING robot but you are not
WHAT ARE YOU ????

You want people to care for you
But when they need you, you smile as they burnt in pain
Silently telling others that " he just a piece of trash " that dropped
You laugh and sing like nothing has happened ...
I hate I hate I REALLY HATE
BECAUSE DEEP DOWN
I KNOW YOU ARE NEITHER HUMAN NOR ROBOT
because robots are smart
and human have hearts
So my the question that I have longed to hear ... the one thing I seriously want to know ... that it would literallllllllllllly kill me to know
WHAT IN THE FREAKING WORLD ARE YOU !!!!!!!!!!!

The real thing

2010-12-05T02:45:00.000-08:00

Dearest Mrs Chiam,
I would like to express my deepest apologies for being such an idiot recently. I know you going to make me pay by doing more house chores and you are going to nag and remind me in the future because what I have done. I am quite thankful for the good friends of mine that stopped me from making a big mistake. You see, I nearly ended up having a relationship with these two girls which I am not supposed to be in. Well, I nearly mess up their lives and mine too. Thanks to God for pulled me out and these friends who by His grace convinced me.

Dearest

I am looking forward to the day of meeting you. The affection and attraction will be intense =) But importantly, the love we share for one another and Him. I hope you are preparing yourself because I am going to work hard. I want to prepare myself for you. To be your bridegroom and husband. I want to experience this real love no matter how ugly it may seem. I wish to look into your eyes and not wanting to look away. I wish to touch your hair and stroke it while looking at you sleep. I wish to cuddle you and support you in prayer. I wish to care for you.
Though it may looked unreal now. I pray your persevere. Because, I pray the day we meet, the day He will blessed us. With love and care =)

Your lover

Him

2010-11-29T11:47:00.000-08:00

We are but flowers
Now here and tomorrow gone
Yet Your love shower
On us that is considered none

You captivate me
Your beauty is beyond description
Your heart as huge as the sea
Your affection knows no portion

"Oh God,
rid me of this dirty linen
that has covered my soul
Tainted me
Driven me apart for eternity
Pull me back to You
I pray
For I am not far from you
and I cant swim no more "

He is forever faithful
Glory be to highest
For His grace for this fool
Praise be to him the mightiest

Can I sleep in your lap

2010-11-25T15:26:00.000-08:00

Can I sleep on your lap
And fears will go away

Can I sleep on your lap
And forget my doubt so gray

Can I sleep on your lap
And just to think of you today

Can I sleep on your lap
And stay on it till the end of day

Can I sleep on your lap
Can I ?

The story of hot water

2010-11-21T01:30:00.000-08:00

O hot water
Every time you touch my body
I am enticed
You cleansed me from top to toe
Just being with you I could go one forever

O hot water
The days you left are cold
Without your warm cold is my foe
How I miss you
your refreshing spring
That braves me from the shiver

O hot water
Tho I called you never came
I was lonely and hungry
my froze like snow
and iceland I know live

O hot water
now that you have come
I thank Thee so

2010-11-14T12:24:00.000-08:00

Its been two months since I arrived at this place. I felt that I have done nothing, accomplish nothing and essentially hit the breaks when my dreams are concern. My spelling has dropped terribly because I have evidently stopped reading. I still have the brains to analyze things but I seldom do that. Actualization - Its a term coined by Carl Rogers. Its the tendency for growth and fulfillment. In other words, He puts it as if the condition is favourable, we will attempt to develop our potentialities to their maximum.

But I have met with a road block. And that road is blocking me and my Creator. Its called sin. Why is this relevant at all ? Well, this is might sound crazy but I think I can only assert by full potential when I am in a relationship with my creator. I don't dwell in my sins and remorse and guilt. BUT actively move forward. Does this make sense ? Well simply put, I can only move forward with Him looking out for me.

Do I sound absurd ? Well I guess partly is when you realize something important has passed you by. You feel remorse and regret. Well, I don't want to let things by. I want to focus !!

Redemption

2010-11-09T11:25:00.000-08:00

I can never escape from your Spirit!
I can never get away from your presence
If I go up to heaven, you are there
If I go down to the grave you are there
If I ride the wings of the morning
If I dwell by the farthest ocean

even there your hand will guide me
and your strength will support me

I could ask darkness to hide me
and the light around me to become night
but even in darkness I cannot hide from you
To you the night shines as bright as day
Darkness and light are the same to you

Psalm 139: 7-12

My God you are too great for me to even comprehend
Only fools doubt you
and yet
we are the very fools that want your love
We are the very fools that go against you
We are the very fools that want glory and darkness
We are the very fools who defy you and run away from you
We are the very fools who threaten you

YET

You love us still the same
You will seek us where we go
You are waiting for us to find you

Prayer

2010-11-09T09:34:00.001-08:00

I am sad and down
I don't know what ailments have beseech me
It colours my body in red and white dots
My skin feels like jumping
Wanting desperately for attention
My body has been strapped to a load of iron
My eyes grow weary

My soul wails of an emptiness
My minds cries out in agony
Trapped in confusion and pain
Cornered by the very people who wants to aid me
Ignored by those who love me

How can I escape this treachery
How can I be in a land of freedom and cheerfulness
Oh Lord Redeem me from this depths
Hold my hand and pull me up
I believe in your miracle
I believe in you
Let me not be fed to wolves
Or eaten by maggots
nor burn in this flame

Be my sanctuary and my refuge
Amen

Dance

2010-11-03T17:48:00.000-07:00

Would you dance with me
Step by step
I will bring you to a whole new world

Let me listen to your heart
Beat by beat
I want to know you

Let me lead you
waltz by waltz
We explore new adventures

Let me disappear
little by little
because two is better than one

Let the music play
day by day
till our souls fade away
in this dance we sway

Shattered glasses

2010-11-03T17:39:00.000-07:00

All you see is that me
The perfect me
The marvelous me
The outstanding me
The confident me
The bold me
The intelligent me
The "I can overcome all things" me
The thoughtful me
The controlled me

But in the secret depths
There is
The insecure me
The afraid me
The depressed me
The shy me
The indifferent me
The " I don't know" me
The crying me

All you see
the rotten me
the irresponsible me
the useless me
the stupid me
the good for nothing me
the dangerous me
the playful me

but in secret
there is
the "in pain" me
the scared me
the insecure me
the empty me
the lost me
the innocent me
the loving and caring me
the " I can be greater " me

Dear teacher, friend, mom, dad
If only you could see me
For this is me
ALL OF ME

Little Bellarina

2010-10-13T14:54:00.000-07:00

Little ballerina dance
Dance, dance and dance
With the sound of music
You float in the air enthusiastically
Close your eyes and dance majestically

The world scorns and hate you
They look down on you
They will beat you
They make you cry

But little ballerina dance
Because when you dance
With the sound of music
They are no more
Close your eyes and dance
Dance , dance and dance

Inspired by Life before bella

Its connected somehow

2010-10-03T14:54:00.000-07:00

Have you felt that things are all linked up ? For example : The reason why you are scared of spiders is because you were beaten by one before. Or You are capable of cooking a delicious meal because maybe you just love good food. Medley once said that we tend to build a personal construct of life and learn from experience. What am I getting at ?

I think what I am trying to say is that our sins might be link to our inefficiency in life. Think about it! The reason why people that murder, drink and lust often live in a life of inferiority. Some of them will try to exert superiority to overcome the fear like threatening another victim. Or just become passive and unable to express him or herself.

Do you agree with me ?

Losing control

2010-09-19T01:22:00.000-07:00

Image by Google

Have you felt like that ? Have you felt that you are starting to lose control of yourself ? Maybe its a part of your body that seizes to function? Maybe its your legs that won't move anymore? Or its your body that won't function ? And you feel helpless ? You feel you are losing yourself ? You ask yourself "who am I ?" "Why can't I do this anymore ?!! " Why are they doing it ? Why aren't they "cursed" as I ? You feel frustration well up within you. I felt this today. Though I am still physically fit, I feel that somehow I am emotionally and socially losing control of myself. That I want to take control of this being and tell it what to do ... But I can't ... At times like these ... Let Go ...And Let Him take control ... He is good and faithful. He will rescue ! Rest assured !!

Sayonara !!

2010-08-05T10:53:00.000-07:00

I once dream that I was sleeping just beside you in the field filled with sunflowers under that old tree. I once dream of the time we spent in the shop. I once dream of the time where we would spend talking about life. I once dream that you were that big part of life. - and when I wake up, you were gone.

I walk pass the streets, and I reminded. I am reminded that you are no longer there. I am reminded of who I am. I am reminded of what i have transformed into. I am reminded of the failure and pain. I am reminded that I have no right to walk that path anymore because who i became.

I have a vision where i stabbed someone in heart like i did before. I had a vision where I caused pain and hurt to my love ones. I had a vision of a father failure that could not be an example to his kids. I had a vision of a teacher failure who could not impact his kids. I had vision of a wasted life spent alone and in solitude.

I closed my eyes. I hear my heartbeat and listen my soul. This is not who i am or ever want to be ! I want to be a better man ! A man that you can be proud of !! For that I have to let go the past, live in the present and hope for the future with Him in sight. I am sorry that we could not enjoy this sunset together because I am waking to a new dawn and a path of my own. Sayonara !

A fresh start

2010-06-25T10:28:00.000-07:00

I am creating a new look for my block
Its a picture of the blue sky
Hopefully pushing away some of the dark clouds
Let me share my thoughts and feel free to comment !

2010-05-17T07:48:00.000-07:00

It is a kind of sadness I cannot describe
A kind of pain worse being stabbed in a knife
A notion that makes me want to cry
The bear feeling of rejection in pain

I do not know why you forsake me
Because Like you I am also alone
You say you do not have friends
Look at me, Do I ?
You say you do not have people that understands you
Look at ME , HAVE I ?

You search for that someone to care for you, to distract you
Look at Me, AIN'T I LOOKING ??
You say you have physical problems
Look at Me , Don't I ?
You say you have mental problems
Look at Me, do you know me ??

You say you have pain and suffering
LOOK AT ME, WHAT AM I GOING THRU ?????
You say you are alone and needs someone's company
Look at ME, AIN'T I ???
You say you cannot mix well with others and you prefer to be alone
Look at Me, DO you think I mix well ?? DO you think I don't feel like being alone sometimes ???
You say you are depressed
Look at Me, ain't I ??

TAKE A CLOSER LOOK AT THE PERSON NEXT TO YOU!!!!!
AM I SO MUCH DIFFERENT FROM YOU !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DO YOU THINK YOU ARE THE ONLY FREAKING PERSON THAT IS SO LONELY ALIVE ?????
HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDER HOW I FEEL ??? WHEN YOU DO THINGS SO WELL AND I DON'T ??
HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDER THAT WHEN YOU SHOW GREAT TALENT, I CAN ONLY SIT AND MARVEL !!!!
HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDER THAT I HAVE PROBLEMS TOOO ?????
HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDER MY FEELINGS WHENEVER YOU HAVE A BF ?????
HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDER MY FEELINGS THAT YOU GET TO GO HOME EVER BLINKING WEEKEND AND I DON'T????

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ME AND YOU
IS THAT I TRY !!
I DON'T JUST CLING TO ANY BLINKING PERSON I SEE
I DON'T JUST WANT INTIMACY WITHOUT RESPONSIBILITY
I DON'T JUST SIT DOWN AND CRY
I DON'T JUST WANT TO COMMIT SUICIDE
I TRY

I TRY MY FREAKING BEST IN THIS GOD FORSAKEN PLACE
SO FOR GOODNESS SAKE
WAKE UP !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But I guess you will never know, won't you of what I have said
Because you freaking blind to see me other than yourself
Because you freaking death to hear me other than the sweet words that they tell you
Because you freaking numb to feel for others other than their dirty fingers on you
wake up .... I am sick and tired .... I won't be and WILL NOT be classified under those guys that left you !!! Because when I was there you were occupied with yourself ... When you did not need me ... you left .... And now when I leave .... I will not be under that category ... If I catch you saying that I will slap you !!

Love is bette sweet

2010-05-01T22:47:00.000-07:00

Love is like pandora box, once open could either bring you great power or destroy your soul.
Love is warm, describable feeling that overwhelms a soul
Love is like a thousand needles within the heart, striking it causing it to burst, until you stop it will go away
Love is like a whip cream on a chocolate ice-cream
Love is a like a lost treasure, once you find it, you keep it, because it will disappear if you don't
Love is like the sky painted according to evening scenery - beautiful -
Love is like a poisonous drug, once you stop you get cold turkey
Love is a flood but does not destroys, instead it covers and make a new
Love is like a heavy stone suppressing you when you drown

- guess i must fret no more, what's the use ?-

My passion

2010-04-23T10:14:00.000-07:00

My passion, the thing that I want to do before I die. Is is to inspire people to make a difference with their lives. I would like to lit a fire within them for a change. A lasting change that comes from them, a heart that would not turn away from challenges, pain, their weaknesses. I want to them to see the end goal before they go. I want people to say that was not just an awesome speech or piece of work, but I want to do something like he said or I know what I want now. This is my desire in life.

Road Junctions

2010-04-22T18:55:00.000-07:00

I stood at that junction
Between the left and right
Filled with confusion
Hoping to chose the correct

I stood at that junction
Between love and hate
Lost in thoughtful sensation
Clearing my mind in state

I stood at that junction
between work and play
Just to fill a satisfaction
Thinking of the fate of that day

I stood at that junction
Between loses and fights
Tired of the compassion
Wanting to make a difference between lights

I stood at that junction
between friendship and lovers
Not know which to motion
Fearing what uncovers

****
I stood at that those junctions
Not knowing what would happen
Where right seems better than left
And
Hate was better that love
Play was better than love
Loses are better than fights
Lovers are better than friends

But what the heck
We don't always get what we want
And we should do the things
that matters
So
I am taking the other
The long and deserted road
Hoping some day
You will understand my decision

Because you called

2010-04-10T21:49:00.000-07:00

Dear Father

I am scared

The next step

Seems like a dark hole

My inabilities

My weakness

My pain

My shame

They overwhelm me

I tremble

I fear

I want to run

I want to hide

The strong winds blow

The tide ready to pounce

The storm laughs

The sand traps

Will You walk with me ?

***

Because you called

I will walk with you

Because you called

I will save you

Because you called

you will walk on water

Because you called

I shall be with you

Its a lie

2010-04-05T08:02:00.004-07:00

Those words:
I love you,
I will never hurt you
I will love your forever

Its a lie ...
Don't believe it
When you hear it
Just walk away

Responsibility

2010-04-03T01:03:00.000-07:00

One day I was walking down with my good friend and as we were talking. She told me that when she was young she wished she was someone else. That this was not her and maybe some other person can take her place and she would watch. Today, I really felt that I did not want to be myself. I wanted to give up being me. Because being me sucks and the problems that are there are too much. I wished I was another man with a brighter future and another kind of life. I wish this was just a temporary outpost that I could hang out and go back being another kind of life. Won't that be interesting ?

* I guess one of the reason God does not give us so many lives or perfect ones is for one we will mess up both lives because we are so capable of doing that. And another reason is that we would never have asked Him for help if we could have a perfect live. This live is ours. Whether we suck at making it work or just having those problems overwhelm you. This is your choice and your life so make the best out of it

Epiphany

2010-03-28T11:04:00.000-07:00

I got a feeling early this morning
How early .. I think it would about 1 .55
What feeling ?
The strangest and craziest dream
I dreamed that there was this great teacher having his lessons
And I wanted to Him
He turned around from His blackboard
And stared at me
Do you want me like me ?
Point to his nose
Read !! Know the world
Know History, Society, Art and Culture
Know War and any knowledge you can find
Student do not want to read text books
They want to read YOU
So wake up
Pick up a book and read
I asked :
What about the other part of life ?
He said
live yours HIS way
Many interesting stories you will live experiences you will learnt !

I woke up feeling something has struck a deep cord in my heart
I am up to the challenge and I will take it !

my little blue Umbrella

2010-03-28T05:57:00.001-07:00

i was swept with the great wind
nearly blown off my feet
i was vulnerable

i was wash by the down pour
together with wind
came rushin' to me

the thunder
as if screaming threats
to my little ears

i standing there
with my little blue umbrella
marveled at such a great sight

You are my umbrella
inspite the storms
and winds
You keep me dry
You shade me from the rain
and cover my eyes at the thunders might

though the waters touch my toes and legs
You have kept
most of me dry
You are refuge
by my side
my little blue Umbrella

Running world

2010-03-27T21:36:00.000-07:00

We have all changed
From the innocent us
To the who we are right now
We might even change more
who knows ?
The world is ever changing
But the things we hold on to must stay
I mean
Our values, principles and belief
After all
If even we lost those
Can we consider that us anymore ?

Steps of faith

2010-03-27T08:25:00.000-07:00

Have you felt like a failure ?

Have you felt like no matter how hard you try

You just cant get ?

Have you felt like every thing you still

Lacks that something ?

Have you felt like you were somehow

Insignificant ?

Have you felt like you are in the crowd but

Alone ?

Have you felt like a total

idiot because you did that ?

Have you felt like you have become a

Monster ?

Do you wish you could go back to

Yesterday?

Have found yourself in a stand still ?

I DARE YOU
DARE YOU TO MOVE
TAKE STEP OF FAITH
BELIEVE IN TOMORROW
because
HIS MERCIES ARE NEW EVERY MORNING
NEW EVERY MORNING
GREAT IS HIS FAITHFULNESS !!
HE DOES FORSAKES OR LEAVES
HE WILL COMPLETE YOU
AND CHANGE YOU
BELIEVE

Walk

2010-03-27T03:55:00.000-07:00

Being cooped in the little room in my small dormitory, being inflicted a very joy killing disease that allows me to rush to the toilet ranging from 15 to 90 intervals. Being in the agony and trapped at the same time was a sensation I would like to escape. During this two days, I could not do a single apart from sleeping and "communicate" with my computer. Well, this songs summarizes what I feel.

Do you remember when
You were way back then
You held the world inside your hands
When you told me love
Was the strongest stuff
Your strength was innocence

But, oh man
The signs of the time are omens
You're starting the day in
No man's land again

Who are you gonna be?
When you're on your knees, who do you believe?
Fear is lonely man
You've been given innocence
You've been given innocence again

You should know by now
That the darkest hour
Is when your broken heart goes down
It's a bitter end
When the sweet begins
Grace is sufficiency

But, oh dear we'll never deserve it
No dear, we never could earn it
Now, here the choice is yours

Grace is high and low
We'll never be the same

-Switchfoot-

A great song

We were meant to live for so much more

2010-03-23T18:08:00.000-07:00

Fumbling his confidence
And wond�ring why the world has passed him by
Hoping that he�s meant for more than arguments
And failed attempts to fly, fly

We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside
Somewhere we live inside
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside

Dreaming about providence
And whether mice or men have second tries
Maybe we�ve been livin with our eyes half open
Maybe we�re bent and broken, broken

We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside
Somewhere we live inside
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside

We want more than this world�s got to offer
We want more than this world�s got to offer
We want more than the wars of our fathers
And everything inside screams for second life

We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
We were meant to live
We were meant to live

-Switchfoot-

Run in'

2010-03-23T17:59:00.000-07:00

Have ever wish the world was a stand still ?
That at that exact moment
The world's spot light
Will just shine of you

Have ever wish the sky would break open
a great light would lit
and you will of course
The person starring the great show

Have ever wish films would show
The life of your great journey
to the hungry eyes
of the media today

Have ever wish that the very life
you have
does not fade away
in the flow of time ?

Have ever wish the circular motion
of routines
Do not drown
the very freedom that you strive to have

Then my friends
wish no further
Find the meaning of your life
Make every second count
Even it was to "waste" it
To the very people you dread
Even it was to "lepak"
with the very people you want to run
Do it
Because it is when you stand up
we are seen

2010-03-10T07:23:00.000-08:00

Listen if you have ears
See if you have eyes
Understand if you pay close attention

I cannot run this rat race
where you the goal are never reachable

I cannot keep being there
when you detest me

I cannot sing
when you are close yours ears

I am tired

My Prayer to You

2010-03-07T07:01:00.001-08:00

My Prayer this day
is
That I can be this someone
that loves You

My Prayer this day
is
That I can be this someone
that do Your will

My Prayer this day
is
That I can be this someone
that You love

My Prayer this day
is
That I can be this someone
that worships You

God
My Prayer and one request is
not to let this heart
depart from You

God

2010-03-06T06:53:00.000-08:00

I am working very hard
Trying my best in effort
To calm the raging seas
To make this time comfortable

But
The choice came
between you and God
God comes first in my life
That I will not go back

I live by it

So
If you distant yourself from me
If you use me and throw me
If you hate me
If you reject and forsake me

I am willing to take that risk
with this broken heart
that My God comes first

In Him

2010-03-04T13:43:00.000-08:00

I believe that you in control
When I am losing my mine
I believe you love me
When I am in my sins and ill ways

I believe you the Fixer
When my heart is broken
I believe you make all things beautiful
When Your time comes

I believe you the wicked
When they transgressed against You
I believe you stood still
When you were angry with jealousy over me

Therefore,
I want to be more like you
Believing that as You did such great acts
I too can be patient and follow You
To be more of you in my life
Give me strength

I am such an idiot

2010-03-04T00:47:00.001-08:00

What do you want with me ?
Everytime I get near someone
You will find some way
for that person to hurt me
They seem to have others better than me

Why do you let me live in agony ?
If you do not want me to get near anyone
Just isolate me and kill me
Why do you test me ?

You know I am not good with people
Yet you throw me in situations
Where I cannot run
And I do not know to respond
This
Will lead other disappointments in others

Ain't I your son ?
Why do you stop me when I try so hard
To get your people to gather
Just for a meeting ?

I am tired
but each time I run
You sentence a guilt
A string tied around my neck
Where can I run ?
Even if I run
Its death that awaits me
Where have you created me ?
Bless me and take it away
I cannot do this
I need You

Worlds apart

2010-03-02T13:41:00.000-08:00

The alarm hit 5.30 ! My heart and head groans to greet the painful morning. The event was really remarkable- that is the fact that I am awake such early in the morning. Though my intentions were not to pray like most of my friends today is special because I am going to school.
School is the place I grew up, a place where I thought most of the evil things of this world will come to harm. As a teacher now ( going to be), I see things from a different perspective when my footsteps hit the school compound. I no longer see a sea of friends and classmates but rather students that look alike. I no longer see teachers whom I respect but colleagues that work in the same profession. I no longer see the canteen as a place to hang out but only a place to eat. I see the classroom not like a home but job. I no longer see the system as ignorance but a pain in the neck. I see a different world

We are capable of so much more !

2010-02-27T16:07:00.000-08:00

Thomas Malthus predicted the end of the human race with severe famine as we could not control or feed the growing population that seems to take us. To the many of them that time, they find themselves in a struggle to grasp the fact that human survival was ever possible. But as time proves Malthus wrong in his theory of food crisis, one of the critics actually stated " Malthus undermined and belittle the potential of human being in creating new technology for preservation.

We are capable of so much more. If you have looked at the olden age of things we would have realized that what we have accomplished are just beyond words. But as much as we have accomplish, many of the modern critics are suggesting that we are losing the very essence of things. What do I mean by that ? What I am trying to convey is that if we get too caught up with improving ourselves, discovering new technologies and forget the very reason we do things - We are in serious trouble.

One of my "look up" person through out the years Jason Fong once said this.

If we are sing with the loudest voice
and without God
We are just participating a concert

If have the best worship leaders and musician on stage
and without God
We are just a band

If we have the best leaders
and without GOd
We are just CEOs of a great company

If we have great speakers that speak truths
and without God
We are just motivation talk speakers and comedians

If we praise and dance
without God
We are just enjoying ourselves

If we spread the gospel
without God
We are just mere asking others to join a club

If we missed out the original reason why we do things, we will contradict ourselves. NO matter what happens, we must not forget who we are and the reason of why we do such things.

To You

2010-02-20T08:52:00.000-08:00

Dear God,
Forgive me for holding on to things that are not real
Forgive me when I want to run away
Forgive me when I doubt with all my heart
Forgive me when I drift so far

I know I'm so scared to move forward
I cling so tightly to those memories and pain
Hoping that somehow reality will bend and these were not true
That one day I will wake up and all this will be a nightmare

But
You are true
You are real
The pain is real
The reality is real

They have gone
And once again
I have not learnt this lesson well
That no one matters but You
I need You ... I need You
To Change this broken heart of mine
Into a heart acceptable to You

Relationships

2010-02-19T09:26:00.000-08:00

They are the most complicated bonds in the world. Let covalent, ionic and other scientific bow down to these bonds because some of them are too messy to even see. Relationships, I was told that it was like building a bridge. It starts with a mutual understanding of the common goal whether it is friendship, lovers, servant and master, family or pet. It starts by one person laying a brick and the other will do so. This process will continue until a period of time. Until both sides meet and the bridge is formed and the bond is strong. Not that the bridge wont collapse. But it will remain stronger. Now, when one side decides to build and the other stops. The relationship is strained and the level of commitment is not there. Therefore, this kind of relationships is labeled as TIRING. Problems also arise when one side discovers that the bridge they are building is not the bridge that they wanted. Worst case would be when both side build the bridge and because arguments and conflicts start to destroy their own bridge thus causing more damage. -

I AM not here to bore you about bridges. I am just here tell you that sometimes bridges have to be burnt in order to build new ones. That building a new one is not easy and sometimes that bridge will remain unbuild. Sometimes you build one side and your partner seems to have other ideas . It would be best just to burn that bridge and start when ever both sides are ready. Pain and hurt can consume you if you let them to stir deep within you. Bitterness and regrets will destroy your being. Sometimes being in pain is much easier than standing up again. I did not really understand until now. To tell yourself you must be happy and not sad anymore. To tell yourself that they are happy now so why should you be all worked up and emo ? To tell yourself that its time to take that step of yours. To tell yourself its time to burn bridges and let go of that pain and move one because things will not go back to the way it was. JuST 4- GET - IT

2010-02-02T08:55:00.000-08:00

Little butterflies
You fly
Dancing in the sky
Where beauty lies

I could see you all day
Stare at you as I lay
Dream of you in fray
Beauty no words can say

Such beauty that captures
Such intellect that intriguers
Such passion that shivers
Such manner that stature

The Sun greets you
Bees respect you
Insects marvel you
Flowers welcome you

But
you fly from home to home
Not finding rest where you roam
Because love is a drug tomb
And you are alone

I open my hands little butterflies
Though you do not rest here
It will be open for you
Whenever you need to company
But
The door to my heart is close
I am moving on
Because I know
You are someone to marvel
To be awe of
To admire at
But never to grasp
Never to own

I am moving on
Because at the end of the tunnel
She is waiting
She that He has prepared
She that I would protect
She that I would adore
She that would I honour Him
So for now
Goodbye LOVE
- Dan -

Giving advice

2010-02-02T08:21:00.000-08:00

There are things in life not best experience - One friend told me this verse and he cynically puts in an analogy. He said something like if you have not experience jumping down a cliff or fifty stories building, do you want to try it ? I think if I would to look back to my life to this point in the future I would laugh it off, wondering how could I be so caught up with so many things. I like the idea of people coming back from the future ( the episode in Heroes when Hiro went back to warn Peter !! ) It would be a cool thing if I could warn myself of all the wrong things before I do it ! Warn myself not eat so much because I might grow super fat ! OR tell myself not waste time being here and focus on what is important- And the list goes on ! What I am trying to say here is- If you not ready for a relationship, don't dive even though you think it is the best thing to do. You dive into it because you are in serious need of intimacy ? Because sometimes it ain't worth it.

2010-01-29T10:27:00.000-08:00

A friend once said
We want someone to love us deeply

I agree
BUT me right now

I don't have love messages every three minutes
I just grab empty compliments
I don't have love calls asking how I am
I just have to get along

I don't have someone complimenting me
I have to make airs for myself
I don't have a shoulder to cry on
I just have my knees

I don't have people caring if I am sick
I just have to toughen up
I don't have presents coming my way
I just buy what I can afford

I don't have someone to follow me around
I just walk alone
I don't have people dedicating love song
I just listen to the radio

I don't have people to treat me playfully
I just play by myself
I don't have someone who tries to make me laugh
I laugh at comedies

I don't have someone to comfort me
I just simply cry at the corner
I don't have someone to soften my heart
I just have to make it harder

I don't have people to complaint to
I just write it out
I dont have people to eat with
I just dine alone

I don't have people to share with
I just eat and grow fat
I don't have people to talk to all day
I just whisper in my sleep alone

I don't have someone that cares so much it hurts
I just am an insignificant person

I hate going to parks
I hate seeing lovers
Parks are your best hang out place
Lovers encourage you

I am not as fortunate
thatz why I have to take up what I have

Pain

2010-01-29T10:06:00.001-08:00

I feel that I have wasted lots of my time doing ridiculous matters. One of the things is staying up watching anime and scrubs when I should be doing my assignment. I guess a lot of times I just want to run !! RUN RUN !! Run to a place where the pain is not there. Run to a place I won't feel the rejection.

Because, rejection is my weakest link. I cannot face rejection. If I do, I will just give up everything and walk. I would just wish I was dead. Rejection from the very people I love. I guess that is the biggest pain one can feel. Knifes and bullets are no match. The man loses his soul. He no longer lives in his body.

The second biggest pain one can feel is being lonely. I created the word- Onirihphic - the fear of being alone. Its the sound. A ringing sound in your ear. The thoughts that says you are alone. Its like you no longer exist in the eyes of people. You just wish you do not want to live either. Because living alone seems to be pointless. I feel that a lot since I came to college. Maybe because when I am home I had my family and best friends to keep me away from such illness.

The third biggest pain is knowing that your friend is going to the wrong road and you can do anything about. The feeling of hopelessness. This feeling is like cutting off your hands and legs. Not only that, despite the pain. You just see your love ones being killed. It horrible. You are asking for help but nothing seems to done. You want to help but that person no longer needs you. You are just an annoying noise that bugs make.

The last pain is the hardest. The feeling of being abandoned. This feeling might seem to be same as rejection but its on a whole new level. I felt this feeling thrice in my whole life. Its when someone leaves you for someone better. Its so horrible that you feel hell is not even better place to suffer. You feel like you can no longer walk or even eat. You feel a surging pain in the heart and brain. It wont stop even when you close your eyes and try to sleep. It will bug you until you are just want to scream.

Puzzled

2010-01-29T09:51:00.000-08:00

There was a dark cloud in the sky. The little boy lay down under the oak tree on the field observing it through the small hole in between the branches. As he lay there, the cloud grew. It became darker and started to filled the sky. Then, big drops like bullets hit his face. Like a million bullets. The sound of thunder struck. The little boy did not move. It did not matter if he was struck down by lightning or even catch a cold... He just lay still staring at the dark sky. After a long while, his lips parted and as if like whisper. It was hard audible . His words were. Where - is - everybody ? Why did they go away ? What did I do wrong ?

Words for a memory

2010-01-24T22:18:00.000-08:00

Dear memory,

There was a time
A time that I wanted to please God
My life and dreams devoted to Him
With much innocence I,
Took oaths and promises
I guess the young Mosses took over

I wanted live a Godly life
Be a Godly husband
Be a Godly worker
Doing remarkable things
The problem was I try to do it my way

What I did was
I killed a person
stabbed the heart
and like a natural result
I was suffering the consequences as well

I not only lost my dreams
but the ability to make a difference
I not only lost my hope
but became a downfall to others

I guess this is my dessert
And my wilderness
But
thank God
He gives second chances
I am fighting this depression in me
I am want to stay positive
To be His worker and
with His grace to overcome the pharaoh
in me

With this - I leave with this words
There was once we flew in the sky
There was once we saw each other side by side
We smiled and was crazy
The world changed
I fell and left you in the sky
For that
I am sorry
By God's grace can I ask a pardon
for the things I have committed
But as you have reached your destination
I am just going to take off
I guess the sky is not mean for us
So
I am going
If you see me from the ground or even see me from above
Do smile
Because I will smiling and flying
in which direction He leads
For those moments we flew
I thank you !
You will be my sweet memory !
Take Care
~ Dan ~

Secret scrolls of the wounded

2010-01-24T22:10:00.001-08:00

There is a time
When you feel darkness covers your heart
There is a time
When you feel many cuts that are too hard to bear
There is a time
When you just want to die
There is a time
When you think you just want to give up

There is a time
When you want to hurt everybody so that your hurt will seem less
There is a time
When you want to blame the world and blame you too
There is a time
When you just want self pity even though that itself is pity
There is a time
When you just want to think that this whole event is a nightmare

There is a time
When your dreams vanish to thin air
There is a time
When you feel like a tool more than human
There is a time
When you just want to be an invisible
There is a time
When tears flow down those cheeks

The time to mourn
The time to be angry
The is time to be depressed
MUST have its ends
MUST come to a stop

And only you CAN do it
YOU can stop this depress heart
Of COURSE you need help
BUT it starts with you
You must stop these thoughts
Take captive of them
BECAUSE if you don't
IT WILL DESTROY YOU

This is the time
to walk
AWAY
YOU CAN DO IT !!

To the girl in pain !

2010-01-24T21:54:00.000-08:00

We pass by one another each day.
Yet I still do not know your name.
We see each other everyday.
Yet I do not know how are you feeling deep inside
We walk by everyday.
Yet I do not know that you are hurting
We talk each day.
Yet I do not know that you just want to disappear.
We laugh together each day
Yet I do not know that you are thinking of leaving your life.

If by doing all these with you
I do not realize the condition you are in
I have failed as a friend
I have failed as brother
I have failed to see the real you

BUT
I don't want to be this failure
I want to know the real you
That's because I care
That's because I think you are worth
All the pain, time and money
That's because I will embrace
the ugly you as I embrace the beauty in you
That's because I want you to know
That you are not alone
That I will walk with you
And pray with you

If only
if only
You will let me

Hero

2010-01-20T07:53:00.000-08:00

Every boy's dream at the certain age or another is to become a hero. Be someone people admire, become the one person that people look up to, and to save lives not forgetting the love of his life. Sounds perfect ? This ideal thought is pretty much flawless. The knight in shinning armor. Then in every story, there is the old knight (some stories). He is the veteran, the person that has gone through a lot of battles. The advice he gives is like honey on the rock !

Dreams will not become reality ! The ideals are for dreams and fantasy ! I have always wanted to be a hero. A hero in society ! Making such an impact in a person's life that He or she will turn away from the wicked path ! Sounds heroic ?? Pretty much is when I first thought of it !! I was even beginning to pat myself at the back for coming up with such a brilliant life !! BUT - I am no hero ! I think in actual fact when war strikes - I will be the first to run. I have running away with so many problems in life ! I am not a strong person to be exact ! My name carries the sound of a stronger prime minister that withstood the worst kings of His days !

Arrows have struck me ! Wound have been so severe in my heart ! I am just so tired of fighting so I ran AGAIN. I wonder what will happen if David ran ? The army would have won and history would have been different !

Broken but not down

2010-01-18T16:25:00.001-08:00

It would be something like dropping a crystal glass. It shatters into a million pieces. I wonder how does it sound like when a heart breaks. It has got to be a loud cracking sound because the pain is certainly real. The vulnerability felt after is somewhat unbearable. When rejected, a person feels lost and most probably abandoned. Something like a mom throwing away a baby. Sometimes, people go insane because of this. Yet majority of the crowd goes through it and turns out ok ! I guess.

The word I got this morning is be contended with what I have. I am asking God what do I have left ? Its all shattered pieces. It was even trampled upon twice ! How do I go on living ? Many or a good sum of people will tell you that it is a phase of life. I am here to tell you that it is certainly a phase of life but if you don't go through it well .. It will end up breaking you further. Now back to question - How do I go living ? A broken relationship if you piece it together, It wont stick just as well. You somehow feels that something is missing from your life.

Many will just look for another to fill that place. In this holllow of emptiness. Its an agony ! I think God does not want us to have these relationships. He intended them to nourishing and encouraging . It is we human race that turns it rotten. Despite that, what men meant for evil God will turn to good. I keep having these saddening thoughts in mind. It taunts me like as if broken these little little pieces just plunges your heart and blood just simply flow out in tiny streams. It is easier to find a replacement but it is never easy to stay single !! And the repeat the cycle. It is hard to be contented with being friends. It is hard to say I don't care anymore. It is hardest to say that I am going to wait upon the Lord instead of go out "hunting".

I think this is my bear and my lion. As pastor andy says, I need to go to school. He needs to mould me to walk a greater path ahead. He needs to mould me so that I could be with someone He has prepared for me. That this relationship ahead will be nourshing and encouraging to one another. That we will love another with Him at the centre. That we can say " I need God to love him" How do I go one living ? By simply living in His grace , holding on to His goodness and yes be contented with what He gives. For God bless those who loves the Lord.

Distrubing ?

2010-01-05T23:01:00.001-08:00

I was bored in the day and I decided to read the day's paper to check out what is going on with this world. To my disappointment, no news really captured my attention : stolen jet, a predictable results on the debate on religious issues, etc. The thing that captured my attention is not really news but a saying from the founder Malaysia's first private boarding school for girls in Cempaka. She said that she was dismayed when parents told her that they were their child's friend. She personally believed that

what children really need is a firm hand.

These words crept into my small mind and fell into unsettled juices as many thoughts germinated. I would agree with this statement to a certain extent. Children or teenagers need parents ( sometimes more than they think) to show them that
- In this world you have to stand tall when all else is falling apart
- You have to keep a strong face when the loved one hurt you
- You have to keep your faith when things go as well
- You have to be gentlemen or lady when people ridicule you and spit you
- You have to fight for what you believe for
- Live is unfair, that does not mean you have to give up living, not give up fighting
- Sometimes you just have to rough it out and there are times you just have to let go

The role model that I would like to highlight would Atticus from the killing a mockingbird. I looked up to this man though he is just a fictional character but sound words of this man attitude really gains my respect.

***

Parents should show a firm hand when the time is needed but they should be a child's friend because there are times when they don't really have any.

Christmas

2009-12-18T08:17:00.000-08:00

What is Christmas ?? I will always ask this question every year !! Especially when I think things are starting to get meaningless !! Electrical impulses rushed through my head !! Hmm !! I certainly know the facts !! Well, Christmas is to celebrate the birth of Christ !! BUT apart from that what does it mean ??

Basically there is not apart from that : my little brain concurs ! The bigger part says HEY ! there should be more !! my little brain shakes its head ! nope (the brain is in the head so this is figurative) Big brains says then why !! Small brains says THATs all !! you are not that big for nothing !! Big brain says =="" and then the argument goes on !!

Christmas every year brings different meaning to my heart ! Though it always centres on the fact that it is the celebration of the birth of Christ ! I am happy and grateful for but I cheerish different things each year !! And the thing I would like to cheerish this year would be my family !! I hope we can spend sometime this Christmas together and I can celebrate that we are one !! We are going to have BBQ !! This is for me a celebrate having a family !! I know I should not get my hopes to high on anything but I just hope this event becomes successful !! God please help !!!

Choices

2009-11-30T06:45:00.000-08:00

Another word from Spidey ( I have been watching in a marathon manner). This time its from spiderman 3. " Whatever raging battle may occur within us, We have a choice" - It is a short message but it speaks volume . I compose a short passage about it :

We have a choice
To do right or wrong
We have a choice
To obey or rebel

We have a choice
To be selfless or a fish
We have a choice
To be happy or sad

We have a choice
To fight or just let it be
We have choice
To be ourselves or what others think

We have a choice
To conform or stand
We have a choice
To be moody(emo) or smile

We have a choice
To be a slave or a free man
We have a choice
To walk the road of integrity or slide the path of corruption

We have a choice
To choose who or what we want to believe
We have a choice
and we make them everyday
TO CHOOSE WISELY
AND STICK TO IT

Web attack !

2009-11-29T07:53:00.000-08:00

I think its been at least three weeks since my last post. Its the holidays and I am watching Spiderman 2 . Somehow, I just wanted to dig up some old movies to entertain me. When I watchED the movie last time, it had a real impact on me. Apart me being a big spidey fan (you know the cool moves and innovative fighting techniques), I really like the sarcasm which comes out every now then in his fight. It was not evident in the movies but if you watch enough spidey comics every day on star, you will know what I mean =D. I guess I should leave you the details. What I would like to highlight to you is the moral lessons in the movie. It really uncovers the situation of what I am going through this very time. The combination of 3 & 2 is what is going on with my life. I mean especially the black spidey. Thats the very image I put on. I like the quotes in spidey 2

Some times to do what is right, we have to sacrifice our dreams and goals.

Little Angel

2009-11-08T08:49:00.000-08:00

Little Angel,
I have cost so much pain
The very sound of my name

Little Angel
Bear with me a little longer
Let me give
A goodbye gift to make u stronger

Little Angel
I am fool yesterday and today
Make a pain out of a game
I should never have come

Little Angel
Bear with me a little longer
The time is near
God is here
He is always here

40945+5o34727+ 7327

Love

2009-11-02T00:25:00.001-08:00

For those who is reading my blog - Hi, I found this useful.

If I could speak all language of earth and of angels but didn't love others,
I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.
If I had gifts of prophecy, and if I understood all of God's secret plans and possessed all knowledge
If I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didnt love others.
I would be nothing.
If I gave everything I had to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it, but if I didnt love others
I would have gained nothing .

Love is patient and kind.
Love is not jealousy or boastful or proud or rude.
It does not demand its own way.
It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.
It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever truth wins out.
Love never gives up, never loses faith , is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstances.
Love last forever !

For you

2009-10-31T09:21:00.001-07:00

For YOU :
I want to be true to You. Honestly I have not been really close with You. And I have lots of problem with You. You have given me everything no doubt. You have seen me through when I cannot really get through. I am so greatful. Yet I am so ungreatful .You know what I do, You know what I say. So, For you let me walk with my eyes on You. Teach to trust You each day, Give me strength to walk the path You direct. For You I want to take each step with You ! I want to be your son.

Dealing hard facts !

2009-10-28T10:05:00.000-07:00

Hi there, I know not many people actually browse this blog and read. Some others might just read it and never want to return to this page and view it again. Despite that, I have a story. And If you are reading this, lend me your ears.

Since I was a kid, I have always wanted to recognize by my friends : Be it my stupid classmates, my secondary school classmates, my seniors and my buddies. I wanted to be a part of them so much. I always wanted to belong never wanting to be left out or rejected. Thus I have became very sensitive and try to discern when they were not in favor of anything in me. I would feel that they have rejected and never want me. I would be on the look out that I do not do things that will caused any problems. I always wanted a deeper relationship. I have always wanted to know them more so I could fill my empty cup. I was always hurt when they did not want to talk to me or ignored me. It seems that they have rejected me and I had to learn this when I was a 7 year old kid.

To be honest with you guys out there, I was never accepted into any group of friends. I never had that "gang" or that special "group" that I always hang out with. Even if I did, it would never last because I would become sensitive and they would eventually leave me.

I was given a chance to live live with a group of friends when I reached college. In fact I managed to end myself with a couple of groups. I was happy that I was not alone anymore and I had this great family (class) to support me. Well that did not end as well as it goes. Things turn upside down, I realize that they are not really backing me up as I thought they would. I got into more conflicts with the people that I want to be because I kept wanting to be like them to follow them. I was annoyed with myself. I was depressed because I felt this world hated me. I felt that I could never fit in wherever I go. I would be lonely for the rest of my life. I had a broken heart and no shoulder to cry upon. I was unappreciated in my class. I have constant conflict with myself because I do not agree with what my heart says.

Now for you boys and girls out there ! Do you know that God loves you ! Even though every single thing you do in life is a failure? Even though you felt like you hit the bottom of the ocean when he broke your heart ? Even though you have filled those emptiness with lust and empty relationships? Even though you know you have made the wrong choices and mistakes? I am not a know it all. In fact, I think I would probably suffer most of all you guys ! But tonight, I realized that God loves me. He loves me in ways that I could never comprehend. Tonight, I felt that HEY, he made me and I am who I am. Though they cannot accept me ! He does. Though I do not belong, I belong to Him. And when I belong to Him, He is my rock on where I stand. And my wish is, I want to show the world. The world of rejects that there is still someone that loves them. Someone they belong to. A winner that ones to make losers a part of his winning team.

Again. I am not saying that I am all saintly and know it all. I have many failures and many a times I dwell in my failures. A wise men once told me

A wise men once told me It is the moment you overcome your failure, you are victor

So my friends, If feel like killing yourself today ! Know that whenever you do. There is heart that bleed for you !

Peace park

2009-10-24T23:18:00.000-07:00

Not to advertise or anything. Somewhere this week, I felt swept away by a big wave of hate and prejudice and confusion. SO, I took time off and travelled all the way to this place for a break. Do you guys know where it is ? It is in Tmn Paramount. No place like there. I sat there staring at the lake and enjoying the breeze. I had my devotion there. I spoke to HIM one to one. We needed to talk so this was the best place. He reminded me of whose I was and why I was send to a place like this. As today's sermon was collaborated with what He told me. Leadership is about service. Serving others in a modern world. So even though apart of me complains and sulk, God says " love your enemy, as your self " - I don't think I love myself enough. Oh ya (pardon my long windedness) . Today is sermon was also on Dorothy Leadership. Google it and see what it means. As for me, all I can say is. I am like Dorothy ! Blur most of the time ! Wrong place and wrong time. I can just do my best and leave it to God to complete. So if you ever look down on yourself ! Think of Dorothy !! =D

10 things I hate YOU people

2009-10-22T07:16:00.000-07:00

1. You are racist
The things you do, you do for your race. You are not sensitive to what others need and want. You segregate us and set us apart from the rest. What is the point of learning novels and literature about being racist while you are the one that do it ? What is the point in teaching 1 ******* while you are the very place that goes against this ?

2. You are illogical
The things that you do, you do not process it. You do things because it is done from generation to generation and it has always work. YOU have never for once think that what you are doing is so damaging and terrifying to others. You rag and scold the very people that are innocent. What it this ?? You ask us to attend and do things that irrelevant like attending courses that wont bring meaning and force outrageous nonsense on us

3. You are egoistic
The things that should be done. You will never do. You always promote the best for your place. The very justice you want us to uphold , You did not do ! Instead you wanted to cover your name, you shun the very people that look to you for it. You did not stop when you knew it was wrong when you touched one of us.

4. You are lazy and promotes it
The very thing that can be done in a year. You drag and do it. You will sleep and not work. They are do not want to excel when they are given the best ! I am just so frustrated because when you cannot do it, you tell others like be to do it. You drown our motivation and let us lose interest.

5. You inefficient
The things that should be given was never done. The project that should be done 2 years ago ... You started today. The equipment that should be provided is lacking and never found. The books are never found. It is irritating when work cannot be done because we lack books. You such a nuisance. You are just about anything I hate. You are wasting the best people in you.

6. This is for the people I meet- You are cold
You never come and talk to me. You say I am apart of you !! You even say we are a family when I want to do something !! I always end up doing it alone !! HOW COULD YOU!! Whenever I am sad, you just leave me alone !! You never read this so YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW that deep inside I hate YOU. You never cared when I was mad or sad. You did not see the very work I did !! YOU are blind !! Someday I will disappear !! Someday I will not be apart of YOU ! Someday You will lose me !

7. This is for the people I meet- You are stupid
You only want fun fun fun. You are not aware that the very thing in front of you is the fiery den. You will cry and be sad when you can overcome it. You are such low achievers that life has passed you by so much but you waved to it !! YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW because you do not read this. Work to be done tomorrow !! YOU will be start doing it tonight. YOU are always late to class but its OK because who cares because PAPA will send you there. Because no matter what happens PAPA will be there. I hate you !! because everywhere you go you carry a stick. A walking stick like an old man

8. This is for the people that stays above me - There is no reason I JUST HATE YOU
I hate you because you are senseless. You think you are big and want everything. You think you are clever and have done it. THIS VERY night, you have lost my respect and you are just like "" in my eyes. Do you think we are kids that we are deserved to be treated like this !! You smoke an endless puff that I hope one day will be your grave !! I can't believe they trust you to do you job !! I am sick PLEASE

9. YOU are extremist
You want people to change into your re******* . You do your prayers and expect us to follow it ?! What is this ? You says it is forbidden to practice anything here but you are the very person that do it ? What hypocrites !! I am not saying I am not !! I am just so piss of you !! The very thing I hate most is YOU limit OUR people so that you can encourage cross ******* I am hate this !! what is this ?? You promote violence because you are violence. The way you talk you expect me to follow you when you don't respect what we want ?

10. This is for the people I meet on Sundays
You are very people that is suppose to provide me peace. You are the people that suppose to show me love ? But what do you show me ? You show me selfishness !! You show me what is it like to come and be tortured !! I do not even know why I visit you every day !! You are spoilt brads that spend money because you have it. Do you even care if I was missing. NO!! Because you are a place to educate no care !! I should just call you a school ? But why do i need to go to a school on weekends ?

THE ABOVE : This are the things I have about YOU but you know what ! You will never know becaue you just DON'T CARE !! What is best !! If I can just punch you people in the face !! Make sure the very same thing happens to you !!

DESPITE that: Among YOU , I must not fail to say there those that care for me ! There are those who will go by my side no matter what. You are the people that gives me advice, play with me and sing with me. You won't think twice when I am sick !! You are the reason I can still survive being with THEM !!

Girls from my eyes

2009-10-22T06:30:00.000-07:00

When a girl cries
People assemble to play a band
A song comfort
with many to stay and share

When a guy cries
People run and hide
As if hell is lose
He stands alone in wilderness

When a girl mad
The world is theirs
They give what they want
In a single wish of their command

When a guy is mad
The world shuns
They ignore his anger
Left to be stilled

When a girl is happy
Friends come and celebrate
The fair begins
All is bright and silver

When a guy is happy
He celebrates himself
With a solace of cake
Song sung himself

When a girl lonely
She calls and they come
Its like receive an award
Everyone wants to be your friend

When a guy is lonely
He is left to die
A rope to hang
His existence was nothing

When a girl is in need
The SWAT comes
Many shields go up
Everyone wants to save the beauty

When a guy is in need
He is push
To the front line where bullets fire
And he a fallen man

When a girl is vulnerable
The police is here
Protection is on the way
Reaffirm words floods the heart

When a men is vulnerable
Lust creeps in
His is looked down upon
And the world convicts him

Though they face their monthly pains
But their life
Stays the longer
Than many do

Though we face no monthly pians
Our days are short
And many hearts
To bear

Girls are considered
to be neat
efficient and hard working
A class above

Guys are considered
to be clumsy
slow and lazy
dogs from below

Girls just follow
They do not need to make tough choices
They do not even work endlessly
But just command others to do

Guys
to make the toughest choices
When things go wrong
They are to carry and to be blamed

Broken hearted soul

2009-10-22T06:18:00.000-07:00

I am so drained
Like a river become land
I keep following you
That I am losing my self

I am tired
Like a man trap in sand
Sometimes I don't want
But I just cannot say no

I am scared
That I might lose this friendship
Maybe - because I have once lost
Someone I loved so dear

I am broken
Like record with no sound
I am no good
I can never make the mark

I want to cry
But the tears will not come
The pain of lost
And the fear of losing

I am greedy
And stupid
Because I want what I cannot get
Protect what I cannot keep

The story of the bracelet and necklace

2009-10-21T10:28:00.000-07:00

I was once reminded of a story :
It goes like this- A young girl who was just 8 went to the shop with her daddy. She loved her daddy so much that each time he carried her on her back. She would give her best cheer or simply sing her favourite tune. At the shop, she looked high and low. And look !! Something caught her eye. It was a pearl bracelet. Like all small girls, she wanted the bracelet. She wanted to be pretty like all the other girls. So, she pleaded with her daddy to give her a bracelet. Daddy knowing his little daughter's heart bought the bracelet and gave it to her. She grinned so wide that day, mommy could see all 24 tooths that day. She kept the bracelet in her secret shinny box and stored in her cupboard. She would always visit the bracelet and wears it to all her parties. She even polish every single pearl and hung so tightly to bracelet. And as the days past, daddy was worried about his little girl's condition. He knew that something had to be done.

So, on one Sunday, He asked her for the bracelet so that he could keep it. Frightened by the request, she ran away from her daddy so she could not hear him. Another Sunday, He came by and asked the little girl to give him the bracelet, she ran away again. Another Sunday, He came and the little knowing what the father would asked cried. She said she loved him but she did not want to give the bracelet away. It was so precious to her. She remembered the time she would show it to all her friends. She remembered that when she wore it she felt beautiful. She remembered that when she wore it she was someone. She was never alone with the bracelet, she felt loved and she loved it. As she finished, daddy got up and left. The next Sunday, Daddy came again and as he usually did after his story telling time. He asked her for the bracelet. Reluctantly she took out the bracelet that was wrapped carefully in cloth. She took it and placed in his hands and talked no more. Daddy got up and left.

As time pass, the little grew up. She became intelligent, beautiful and outstanding. She was witty and exciting. She had wisdom and her friends would come to her for health. She was the best. But every year on that Sunday, she would sit quietly and remember that fateful day, Daddy took away her bracelet. She would be sat and always wondered why he took that bracelet away. Now this little girl who is now grown did come from a wealthy family. In fact, her family was one of the poorest in that place. Still, she was happy because she lived happily with her family. On the 17th year of her live, as she did her usual ritual : to sit under the tree and be silent for the day. Daddy came by and sat beside her. She did not reply or respond but sat quietly under that tree. Apart of her was still mad, apart of her was still wishing that Daddy did not take that bracelet away. She felt something coming across her neck. She was frightened but realize it was Daddy's own hand around her. "Now, Look" as he took out the mirror and showed her. She saw a genuine pearl necklace around her neck. She screamed in delight and hugged Daddy.
" You are beautiful even without the bracelet. You see when you were young, the bracelet was your world. You withhold it so close that you did not know how to grow. You stopped believing in yourself and relied on the bracelet. I took it away. The necklace is the sign that you have grown. I took pains to buy you this necklace and knew this would be the right time. You are beautiful with or without bracelet or necklace, but it takes time for you to developed this beauty. It take time for you to trust me. it takes time for you to be wise." But it was a time that was wasted. You did well grow on !!

The ever blues skies

2009-10-19T10:04:00.000-07:00

Forget the world
That is full of nothing
Forget the events
That breeds in their heart

Forget the sky that
Once shown in the ends blue
Forget the grass that
was evergreen

Forget the pain
Forget the pieces torn
Forget the time
Forget yourself

Forget the idiotic love
Forget the lousy ever after
Forget the stupid words
Forget that person

Remember the present
Remember God
Remember who you are
Carrying that weird rhythmn
Smile and Walk
I would really love to see that !!

Recipe for the broken hearted : note it might not work for all

2009-10-19T00:15:00.000-07:00

Recipe for the broken heart:

A teaspoon of tears - Just the right amount though many tend to add more -according to taste
A table spoon of sugar: any sort of sweet stuff will do - or anything you like
2 grams of complaints and regrets : Find someone who can complaint all you want, even scream
if necessary. Someone who you can hug at the end of the day
(Best with same sex)
3 Kati of wildness: Allow yourself to go wild with some friends over some event that may not
even exist - Just for the fun of it
2 slice of reality: take time off to relax. Don't even think of what happen, just empty your mind
You should do this with a friend. Tell yourself you are better now and move on
Say goodbye softly and never turn back
X cups of God : People tend to forget the most important ingredient. Spent time with God
A time with him is precious. Listen closely. Take as much time as you want. This
is the most crucial part of the recipe.
Mix well and stir hard - always best if you have more hands (good friends to help) Never forget to put in some strawberries- a taste of life and bake for as for the time need - It takes time and it is always apparent that you don't take too long !! THERE you go - something for you to smile and be back !! Don't cry anymore, SUCK it in , LET it all out , BREATH and LOOK to Him and WALK
DONT TURN BACK !!

The Beginning of the End

2009-10-19T00:03:00.000-07:00

"The Beginning of the End"- Sounds familiar ?? As I was flipping through some old newspaper in my room in my efforts to look for "SUITABLE" sentences for my LDS assignment, I stumbled upon the famous terminator phrase. If you take a good looks at this phrase. I mean from an English teacher's perspective, the paradox is evident but what does it underline ? Of course the movie obviously has nothing to do with it. Ok you can argue with me that it is the end of humanity. But take a closer look--> Is Humanity an end itself ? Is not the moment a child is born, it is destined to die ? The clock starts the moment the first cry began ? No wonder babies always cry when they come out ? (Most)

Are these news rather saddening and depressing ? I mean we work our lives to the best. We achieve the popularity status or even wealth ? Will it not come to an end ? This thoughts always taunt me some way or another despite my beliefs. A genius once told me ( I mean literal genius once told me ) Its not the results that matters. It is the journey. The moment you set your eyes on the goal, to the moment to achieve it that matters. It not the beginning or the end. Am I making sense ? Think for yourself =D

Jump fly and go !!

2009-10-11T09:27:00.000-07:00

“The heart has reasons that reason does not understand.” - Jacques Benigne Bossuel

Lady with wings and wand
Why are you crying ?
hiding behind the ban
Join us who are playing

Lady with wings and wand
Why are you crying
You look ugly please let me recant
Dont be like this, we are trying ..

Lady with wings and wand
Why are you crying
You are beautiful in demand
Let go the pain you're bearing

Lady with wings and wand
Why are you crying
Is it peter, your heart he wants
That bloody fool's craving

Lady with wings and wand
Why are you crying
Look the world needs you
It is no use crying

Lady with wings and wand
Why are you crying
Forget peter de runt
n let's start flying

Lady with wings and wand
Why are you crying
Know thy God for warn
His love never dying

Lady with wings and wand
Why are you crying
Wipe your tears and move forward
Don't look back, KEEP trying

Lady with wings and wand
Live your live to the fullest !!
Enjoy every joy and the moment demands
And in sadness to God His arms loving

Lady with wings and wand
Before you start flying
Show that face and the wand
Smiling and never crying

- Peter -

Would you have this dance with me !!

2009-10-02T08:12:00.000-07:00

This past few days, seems like a roller coaster ride for me and it has not really been all up lately !! Despite feeling unappreciated and low self esteem. DANCE !! Har ? If you guys watch the play C2C3 put last Wednesday, you will notice one really big elephant hopping on stage !! Gracefully ? You can say a bit !! It was perfect (ahem..) disregarding the minor flaws at the end !!

Why dancing ? "Dancing is an art that really requires the two to be one " - I never understood that though it has pop up in my head a couple of times. When I was dancing, my eyes were looking at my partner's. We could not look down but look at our partners. I recall making mistakes and my partner would say "its ok !" each time. Sometimes we would laugh together !!

Life is like having a waltz with your creator !! You have to look at Him when you move !! You can look else where or you would lose your step ! You must not look down but only trust in the person that is taking the lead. Whenever you make a mistake ! He whispers "Its ok ! Lets try this again, lets try till we get it " Many of us are just so frustrated because it is always us that make the mistake ! We fall or most of the time we forget our steps and spin out of control ! We often forget we have a loving God willing to go through each step - reminding us of each step as we dance ! So my friends if you are like me so low and down! Remember that is someone to pick you up and ever willing to teach the steps to this dance ! We just have to respond to - Would you have this dance with ME ?

MOV

2009-10-01T18:29:00.000-07:00

Shouts of Joy !! Cries of satisfaction fills the stage!
A sad state of affair
Behind the curtains sits a fool
A man that is left with nothing
Glory and Fame they carry
He walks alone
He works
He shouts
He tries the best of his
Yet the world does hinder him
Because He is just a sound
An annoying buzz
What was suppose to be his stage
Was taken by an ungreatful idiot
Who did not lay a finger
Spoke when practice went on
That could not care less of the play
But the workaholic that was scolded
The workaholice that loses his friendship
That workaholic that was scorn
That workaholic that despite being tired
Was willing to stay back when actors ask him to
Was willing to run to the back to hear the voice
That despite being so tired and sick
Continued on
That wanted to resolve most of the conflicts of the play
Had the biggest conflict
A conflict that he has suppressed every moment
I know I walk alone
On this lonely road
To be a fool
That you people will never know !!

A perfect flaw

2009-10-01T18:07:00.000-07:00

I live in a world of imperfect.
The world where things are incomplete.
The world where I am very much the center of !
The greyness and never succeeding in what I do !
An imperfect friend!
An imperfect servant !
An imperfect lover !
An imperfect director !
An imperfect person !

A perfect flaw
Dying in the world of imperfectness !!
What is the worth of the piece trash !

2 + 2 to success

2009-09-25T09:09:00.000-07:00

Image is from google

Know thy enemy and know thy self "

- is a saying I used to hear. It brings to mind that one must know his or her limits and abilities or skills. It brings to mind one must know his or her weaknesses and strengths to overcome many things. One must know how to overcome the enemy within him and outside of him. I would like to add to that phrase - Know thy enemy , know thy self and know thy GOD and friends. These components are lacking in this phrase. Sometimes we do not know who our God is as good as the dear lost in the park !! Its when know your God, you know your purpose in life. As for knowing your friends !! They can help you a lot if you know who they were. They are the people that despite your bad and needy look, despite the many arguments, despite the weird weird attitudes, despite the many many moody days still accepts you and hang out with you !! That is a true friend in the making ! Thatz all from me

A beautiful mistake

2009-09-23T09:31:00.000-07:00

I sit here waiting
By the lonely road side
Watching all the beautiful people
Past by each day

They glow
They shine
Because of their great talent
Because of their knowledge and skills

Great works have been done
Beauty and fame submits to them
People abhore and stick close
Nothing beats being them

My existance seem wrong
My deeds spells fault
They turn away
At the sight of this mistake

A lonely stranger walks by
kneels down
Takes a good look
stretch out both His hand

BEAUTIFUL - You are mine !!

Words

2009-09-06T09:17:00.000-07:00

Lets start with a few words I learnt throughout this few days.

Revamp - To change things - Have you ever change ?
Obsolete- Things that are not useful
Anaptophobia- Fear of being alone - I just got this out of a movie - go check it up for reference.

From now on, I will put new words that I come across !!

Carelessness and Laziness

2009-09-06T08:48:00.000-07:00

These attributes though I don't like very much has stuck to me a lot. I cannot begin to tell you how many times phrases such as " You are 2 careless " comes into play. A better note that resounds is " You are so blurr". I guess I have been awfully careless in life. Especially in things that do not really matter to me at the moment. I tend wonder and ponder about things that are irrelevant and yup some (most) of the time I am sleepy. P/S I am sorry if I have done anything to have ignored or hurt someone.

With all these being said/ mentioned, I heard the sermon preached last Sunday and this attribute came popping in mind. It sort of connected like - " oh ya, I am also that !! " Being careless is not good, I have always lose things because of my carelessness and my lack of discernment. Things that are important, unimportant, matter and yes things that more dear to me like friendships. And as the analogy that Christ game about the person with the talents resound in my head. Heads bow I have not being a good steward with whatever God has gave me. I have to change !! I need to be careful with my life or one day I might lose it. A short note ! This post will only be out for three days !! So read as fast as you can !

SICK

2009-08-18T20:06:00.000-07:00

A famous saying goes " A friend in need is a friend in deed ". I never quite understood that phrase until recently. "Deed" is describe in the English dictionary as something Legal or done by somebody (participating). I think one can truly see the real friends behind fake ones when things are not going well for them. Something I would like to call system down.

To be honest, I have not been much of a friend either so criticize me as much as you need ! It all started last Thursday when I had a soar throat. I could not speak well but things were just normal around me. I was feeling kind of sleepy and I was blur. There were other problems that cause irritation to my longing to pass lecturer hours. Staggering through one lecturer hall to another was a dread though I would not have prefered otherwise. Things sort took a 180 turn when Monday came. I was now contracted with flu and a possible fever.

People start to distant me from them. I don't blame them for this !! I would have done the same thing. Apart from that, I now felt the full impact of my sickness as I was occasionally falling asleep in classes and was not paying full attention. I was blowing my nose and stopping my running nose. People started to go "eeww" or "no no no " as I sat there alone in the front row of my classroom and lecturer hall. It did not really matter because I have gotten use to the idea of not seating with someone because I am not someone who attracts attention naturally or when I talk. I need to try very hard to capture people's attention all the time. Thats besides the point. Some others have told me to see a doctor knowing full well I did not have a fever. I guess it was for fear of their safety more than even a drop of concern. Well I guess they were concern but they were concern about themselves. And you have the friends who you thought would care but never even appeared in front of people. I was feeling all kinds of emotions. Sickness was an added cause.

If the story ends her, would it not be a sad one ?? Somehow the thing that made me sway from the thought of dying from the possible contraction of h1n1 would be fine. I first met two friends who said get well soon, really would like to see get well." It was heart warming !! And then when I was eating my dinner. Two people walk towards me. One was an "angel" the other (no it was not a demon) a good brother. The angel touch my forehead to check if i had fever. Well something resounded within. The brother scolded me for not telling him. Both really made me feel I had someone there when no one cared. I am blest beyong blest to have them !! The next day a phone call from mom scolding me for not telling her about my soar throat and condition and a caring family upholding me in prayer and non-stop worrying about me.

I guess in some ways I can relate and got a little taste of what does it feel like being an HIV positive and even a H1N1 patient. Being alienated from others is bad and I have felt it many a times even when I am not sick. But I can safely say there is hope because there is a God who sends help when you cry out. I may not know how exactly are these people are feeling but somehow I would like to tell them and assure them there is a God looking over them even though the world condemns and hates them !

Unbreakable

2009-08-10T08:57:00.000-07:00

I remember watching a movie name unbreakable when i was young .. I think it was the star actor was Bruce Willis. I guess I was young then because seriously I did not understand what happens .. It is so weird ! Most Bruce Willis films are !! hehe .. What do I mean about being unbreakable ? Am I super great about that I am unbreakable ? Or is it when you throw me down the four floor or six I wont die ? Absolutely not. What I just mean is that I was so troubled with my heart issues and that gadget that I am suppose to make for the "Pengakap" and my group has fallen far behind and about CF tomorrow !! Things sort of was going to tumbles down and I was going to be depress. And yet I think it is because of God's grace I manage to talk to Him and seek comfort and help from Him. I was able to draw strength and peace at heart from Him. He knows all things and is always willing to hear your deepest trouble. He cares for the weak, the wrong, and the abandon. And He will pick them out when you call out to Him. God cares and loves !! And with Him, I am unbreakable not because I am tough but He is strong !

Words that knock your head !!

2009-08-08T10:15:00.000-07:00

I never thought I would become knocked !! I guess a person that loves you dearly will send "knocking words" waking the person within ! What am I talking about ? It is those words that pierce your heart and sort of make sense in your head suddenly ! It comes from a friend, a parent (very rare but it happens) and yes even a lover (for those who have one).
My life has not exactly being in the right path and definately it has not been what I hope for. I have been lazy. I have wasted most of time watching movies and surfing the internet and doing useless things. Yes, you can argue with me saying those are necessary but I have been overdoing it. I have also filled my head and heart with nonsense. I have been left dry and empty becoming a person that seeks to fill unquenching hunger that would one day destroy me. I guess God has been knocking and I have turned a deaf ear to him. BUT. I guess today He made a point that is so crucial. He said it through the wise words of my dad. The words uttered out were Daniel, you are not like the others. You are different . I am different and indeed because I am God child and I am His.

Love defined

2009-08-06T04:05:00.000-07:00

According to Macmillan's Dictionary, Love is to be very strongly attracted to someone in an emotional and sexual. I guess in some aspects this definition has been in my head so often that I always seeking for this love and to be accepted and sort after. I guess I so often forget this definition of love :

Love is patient, Love is kind
It does not envy, it does not boast
It is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self seeking , it is not easily angered
It keeps not record of wrongs. Love does delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trust, always hopes, always perseveres
Love never fails.

1 Cor 13

I guess I have to learn through the hard way that love is all about giving, it is does seek self pleasure, self wants and fulfillment. It does not envy others, it does not boast about who I have or other great talents I have. It is not being proud and rude that others run away from you. It does change you in the green creature the moment you see the person you like or your best friend being intimate with others. It is not easily angered. It is definately not showing your tantrum and hoping someone would come and care. It keeps no record of wrong. Even when the person hurt you so badly because he stole everything you thought you had. Even though that person does not want to cooperate with you when you begged. Even though it is a big let down when your hopes are so high. It does not delight in evil. It is not doing things that you know would that person. It is not doing things that brings you pleasure and others harm. But rejoices when someone accepts the Lord. Rejoices when a brother is with you. Rejoices in knowing God loves you wherever you are. Rejoices know that God sends people to knock your sense back. It protects not posses. It is going all out for someone when you know your position will threaten. It is giving advices that you know that person won't here but you know it will save him or her a whole lot of pain and trouble. It always trust. It is to faith in someone that he or she will not betray you. It is to know that someone will make it alright. It is to know that he or she will not let you down. It always hope. It hopes that some day that person will find God. It hopes that one day God will lead you someday. It hopes that God has prepared that special someone for you. It is hope that when you have lived your live that it is worthwhile because you live it with no regrets. It perseveres. It holds on when you have lost faith. It holds on when you feel so down and just want to quit being you. It holds on when you thought any time of the day the sky will fall and you hope you will contract a disease and die. It holds one when you have nothing. And yes trust me It will NEVER FAIL you. Where can you find such love so powerful and awesome. In the God that lives within your heart!! I could never understand the power of love and I will never be able but today I think I got a glimpse of its greatness by just understanding it. It is more joyous to give then to receive. =D

Two face

2009-07-18T06:45:00.000-07:00

Mentioning two face I will remember one of the famous actor name Tomily Jones or did I spell it his name right ? He played two face in a batman movie and yes the recent batman movie is still vivid in my mind. I guess many of us are two faced. Apart of us are like angels show our smiles and caring attitude to the less fortunate, donate to charity or even contribute to the environment ? HOWEVER, like it a not, there is apart of us that have the same smile but do things that the two horned and the fork knife dude agree upon. We can pretend all we want but sometimes we are selfish, lustful and always craving short terms pleasure for others. We are cruel and have many deadly intentions well hidden within of some would say an animal. On the thought of animal, I once heard that men are animals that we are the same. Well, I would agree to a certain extend cecause we have been created with an intellect and heart. We humans have the ability to resent those evil things in our heart, to repel agaisnt them, and to have the ability to say NO! But we give in and because it is part of us (some may argue). My friends, we can resist this evil in our lives and we do so by trusting in God. Only He can make the change. It must a hand in hand cooperation. What is funny is that many a times we think God has left us but it is us that leave the walk to change. It is us that secretly don't want to change and it is a struggle even though God has been patiently calling us out from our dark hole. Therefore unless we want to change everyday , we will never ever change

New that upset s

2009-07-08T03:22:00.000-07:00

The effort to revert back to old system has once again been brought up and things have turn bad. I thought we were moving towards a better development and expansion of knowledge. The technology which have been provided could have been learnt in the new system. Communications could be breech easily and most importantly the mind could see better rather than curtains of "culture" and "dignity". It is really an upsetting and disappointing news. I guess the people on the other side are smile with from ear to ear. I just frustrated !!

Another thing that frustrated me is myself. I guess God made guys with a big ego and I seriously do not know why. When men do not make it, this ego get scared and he gets wounded. I would one day like to ask God why He created so many things in a man's body that would make him fall. The run was simple. I thought I could make it but I guess it is another round of defeat. How many times must I fall ? It getting more and more painful each time. Its like every effort I try to vindicate myself I fall ? Can't I do anything ? I feel terribly disappointed with myself and extremely frustrated. I guess God created man's ego balloon and poke it so that man would know his place. I guess I know my place !!

MOV play

2009-07-07T09:00:00.000-07:00

I guess I have a glimpse of how Micheal Bay felt when he worked the movie transformers or his older movies such as "Armageddon". The tiredness felt each night as you hit your room or home is unbearable. I guess if you do not have a class in the morning, it would have made it easier. But none the less, I am sure it is pure hard work. Working with 51 people to produce a play it self is no doubt a head spinning event. 51 individuals who has different concepts and ideas regarding the play that has to stage in a short period of 2 months.

I can never say that I did not want to be an assistant director because I wanted to contribute my all in making this play a success. But as I hold on to this post, I felt the sacrifice are just too great. It is because of this play, I have started arguing with some of my friends and have conflicts with them. It is because of this play, I am having a sudden pain in my throat. It is because of this conflict I appear tired and drained out in class. It is because of this play, I am critizise and looked down upon.

I guess being among people has never been my strong point. I do appear to be an extrovert but many a times I am an introvert because I tend to friendly and close to my friends around me. I have a sense of discomfort if any new people are added in my group. I can safely say I don't have many friends because I am not sure if it is a character flaw but I almost always make enemies with those who are close to me, that is why I do fear a sense of intimacy. People might call me a people "pleaser" because I always try my best to avoid conflict with them because whenever conflict strikes I fall and my whole being is disturbed. I will feel the surging pain and would be utterly lost.

Enough said about myself. I guess MOV is a good play to stage. However, being able to be stage it would a test of endurance and strength. I do not know how long can I tolerate the side effects of directing this play but I guess I just have to hold on and pray each day that My God will be gracious to me.

Difficult moments

2009-07-06T09:29:00.000-07:00

I wonder why most of the time the posts I make are saddening. Well, I guess I write when I am not well. There are always difficult moments in life, and this moments always comes to you when you least expected it. May it be a conflict with a friend, a time of loneliness, a time where you remember someone important who has left, a failure, difficult choices to make they come and some may just scar your life. What do I do when I face tough times ? I guess I would just close my eyes and sleep hoping the time will just past and I would not have to face it. But one think that helps me most is prayer though sometime I do admit I falter and do not even believe in some of them but it comforts me to pray to someone more powerful and stronger than me. So my dear friends if you face tough moment DO PRAY

A tribute to an old friend !

2009-06-27T08:41:00.000-07:00

Hey Jane if you are reading this ! HAPPY BIRTHDAY !! ... Guess you are already getting old .. hahaha .. Jane is a secondary school good friend and has always tried to help me and cheer me up no matter how down I was. I guess Me and Hoe Howe and Jane have been good friends and THIS memory of us 3 will in my memories !! haha Take care you 2 !!

Make

2009-06-21T08:55:00.000-07:00

Making decisions are one of the most complex thing that a human being can and must do. We practically make decisions each day. What makes the world (literally) of difference is the choices you make. The people we want to talk to or approach to the most simple thing as a going to the loo. Sometimes decisions can be hard ... But if we dont make them, it is all the more worse. Sometimes we are just too scared. I am too ! But they must be carried out. Well one of my decisions for this up and coming semester is to write more and to pursue a distant dream that can come true!!

Another thing we make is Resolutions. I have heard tonnes of complaints and wrong perceptions towards resolutions. Most people will tell you off saying it will never work out. My brother once told me that why people read great inspiring books and fail to make a success is that we dont follow the majority of the instructions. Likewise, I am telling you if you don't hang on to your resolutions. It will be just an empty talk just like what they say!! I will start making my resolutions tomorrow though it will be a late one I guess it is worth a good try !! Many of you are off to university or just a new semester! try setting simple and easy to accomplish resolutions and work towards it !! It will do a lot of wonders! .. Note: Try to keep it flexy !! and it is not a 100% success !