A friend once said
We want someone to love us deeply

I agree
BUT me right now

I don't have love messages every three minutes
I just grab empty compliments
I don't have love calls asking how I am
I just have to get along

I don't have someone complimenting me
I have to make airs for myself
I don't have a shoulder to cry on
I just have my knees

I don't have people caring if I am sick
I just have to toughen up
I don't have presents coming my way
I just buy what I can afford

I don't have someone to follow me around
I just walk alone
I don't have people dedicating love song
I just listen to the radio

I don't have people to treat me playfully
I just play by myself
I don't have someone who tries to make me laugh
I laugh at comedies

I don't have someone to comfort me
I just simply cry at the corner
I don't have someone to soften my heart
I just have to make it harder

I don't have people to complaint to
I just write it out
I dont have people to eat with
I just dine alone

I don't have people to share with
I just eat and grow fat
I don't have people to talk to all day
I just whisper in my sleep alone

I don't have someone that cares so much it hurts
I just am an insignificant person

I hate going to parks
I hate seeing lovers
Parks are your best hang out place
Lovers encourage you

I am not as fortunate
thatz why I have to take up what I have

Pain

I feel that I have wasted lots of my time doing ridiculous matters. One of the things is staying up watching anime and scrubs when I should be doing my assignment. I guess a lot of times I just want to run !! RUN RUN !! Run to a place where the pain is not there. Run to a place I won't feel the rejection.

Because, rejection is my weakest link. I cannot face rejection. If I do, I will just give up everything and walk. I would just wish I was dead. Rejection from the very people I love. I guess that is the biggest pain one can feel. Knifes and bullets are no match. The man loses his soul. He no longer lives in his body.

The second biggest pain one can feel is being lonely. I created the word- Onirihphic - the fear of being alone. Its the sound. A ringing sound in your ear. The thoughts that says you are alone. Its like you no longer exist in the eyes of people. You just wish you do not want to live either. Because living alone seems to be pointless. I feel that a lot since I came to college. Maybe because when I am home I had my family and best friends to keep me away from such illness.


The third biggest pain is knowing that your friend is going to the wrong road and you can do anything about. The feeling of hopelessness. This feeling is like cutting off your hands and legs. Not only that, despite the pain. You just see your love ones being killed. It horrible. You are asking for help but nothing seems to done. You want to help but that person no longer needs you. You are just an annoying noise that bugs make.

The last pain is the hardest. The feeling of being abandoned. This feeling might seem to be same as rejection but its on a whole new level. I felt this feeling thrice in my whole life. Its when someone leaves you for someone better. Its so horrible that you feel hell is not even better place to suffer. You feel like you can no longer walk or even eat. You feel a surging pain in the heart and brain. It wont stop even when you close your eyes and try to sleep. It will bug you until you are just want to scream.

Puzzled

There was a dark cloud in the sky. The little boy lay down under the oak tree on the field observing it through the small hole in between the branches. As he lay there, the cloud grew. It became darker and started to filled the sky. Then, big drops like bullets hit his face. Like a million bullets. The sound of thunder struck. The little boy did not move. It did not matter if he was struck down by lightning or even catch a cold... He just lay still staring at the dark sky. After a long while, his lips parted and as if like whisper. It was hard audible . His words were. Where - is - everybody ? Why did they go away ? What did I do wrong ?

Words for a memory

Dear memory,

There was a time
A time that I wanted to please God
My life and dreams devoted to Him
With much innocence I,
Took oaths and promises
I guess the young Mosses took over

I wanted live a Godly life
Be a Godly husband
Be a Godly worker
Doing remarkable things
The problem was I try to do it my way

What I did was
I killed a person
stabbed the heart
and like a natural result
I was suffering the consequences as well

I not only lost my dreams
but the ability to make a difference
I not only lost my hope
but became a downfall to others

I guess this is my dessert
And my wilderness
But
thank God
He gives second chances
I am fighting this depression in me
I am want to stay positive
To be His worker and
with His grace to overcome the pharaoh
in me

With this - I leave with this words
There was once we flew in the sky
There was once we saw each other side by side
We smiled and was crazy
The world changed
I fell and left you in the sky
For that
I am sorry
By God's grace can I ask a pardon
for the things I have committed
But as you have reached your destination
I am just going to take off
I guess the sky is not mean for us
So
I am going
If you see me from the ground or even see me from above
Do smile
Because I will smiling and flying
in which direction He leads
For those moments we flew
I thank you !
You will be my sweet memory !
Take Care
~ Dan ~

Secret scrolls of the wounded

There is a time
When you feel darkness covers your heart
There is a time
When you feel many cuts that are too hard to bear
There is a time
When you just want to die
There is a time
When you think you just want to give up


There is a time
When you want to hurt everybody so that your hurt will seem less
There is a time
When you want to blame the world and blame you too
There is a time
When you just want self pity even though that itself is pity
There is a time
When you just want to think that this whole event is a nightmare

There is a time
When your dreams vanish to thin air
There is a time
When you feel like a tool more than human
There is a time
When you just want to be an invisible
There is a time
When tears flow down those cheeks

The time to mourn
The time to be angry
The is time to be depressed
MUST have its ends
MUST come to a stop

And only you CAN do it
YOU can stop this depress heart
Of COURSE you need help
BUT it starts with you
You must stop these thoughts
Take captive of them
BECAUSE if you don't
IT WILL DESTROY YOU

This is the time
to walk
AWAY
YOU CAN DO IT !!

To the girl in pain !

We pass by one another each day.
Yet I still do not know your name.
We see each other everyday.
Yet I do not know how are you feeling deep inside
We walk by everyday.
Yet I do not know that you are hurting
We talk each day.
Yet I do not know that you just want to disappear.
We laugh together each day
Yet I do not know that you are thinking of leaving your life.

If by doing all these with you
I do not realize the condition you are in
I have failed as a friend
I have failed as brother
I have failed to see the real you

BUT
I don't want to be this failure
I want to know the real you
That's because I care
That's because I think you are worth
All the pain, time and money
That's because I will embrace
the ugly you as I embrace the beauty in you
That's because I want you to know
That you are not alone
That I will walk with you
And pray with you

If only
if only
You will let me

Hero

Every boy's dream at the certain age or another is to become a hero. Be someone people admire, become the one person that people look up to, and to save lives not forgetting the love of his life. Sounds perfect ? This ideal thought is pretty much flawless. The knight in shinning armor. Then in every story, there is the old knight (some stories). He is the veteran, the person that has gone through a lot of battles. The advice he gives is like honey on the rock !

Dreams will not become reality ! The ideals are for dreams and fantasy ! I have always wanted to be a hero. A hero in society ! Making such an impact in a person's life that He or she will turn away from the wicked path ! Sounds heroic ?? Pretty much is when I first thought of it !! I was even beginning to pat myself at the back for coming up with such a brilliant life !! BUT - I am no hero ! I think in actual fact when war strikes - I will be the first to run. I have running away with so many problems in life ! I am not a strong person to be exact ! My name carries the sound of a stronger prime minister that withstood the worst kings of His days !

Arrows have struck me ! Wound have been so severe in my heart ! I am just so tired of fighting so I ran AGAIN. I wonder what will happen if David ran ? The army would have won and history would have been different !

Broken but not down

It would be something like dropping a crystal glass. It shatters into a million pieces. I wonder how does it sound like when a heart breaks. It has got to be a loud cracking sound because the pain is certainly real. The vulnerability felt after is somewhat unbearable. When rejected, a person feels lost and most probably abandoned. Something like a mom throwing away a baby. Sometimes, people go insane because of this. Yet majority of the crowd goes through it and turns out ok ! I guess.

The word I got this morning is be contended with what I have. I am asking God what do I have left ? Its all shattered pieces. It was even trampled upon twice ! How do I go on living ? Many or a good sum of people will tell you that it is a phase of life. I am here to tell you that it is certainly a phase of life but if you don't go through it well .. It will end up breaking you further. Now back to question - How do I go living ? A broken relationship if you piece it together, It wont stick just as well. You somehow feels that something is missing from your life.

Many will just look for another to fill that place. In this holllow of emptiness. Its an agony ! I think God does not want us to have these relationships. He intended them to nourishing and encouraging . It is we human race that turns it rotten. Despite that, what men meant for evil God will turn to good. I keep having these saddening thoughts in mind. It taunts me like as if broken these little little pieces just plunges your heart and blood just simply flow out in tiny streams. It is easier to find a replacement but it is never easy to stay single !! And the repeat the cycle. It is hard to be contented with being friends. It is hard to say I don't care anymore. It is hardest to say that I am going to wait upon the Lord instead of go out "hunting".

I think this is my bear and my lion. As pastor andy says, I need to go to school. He needs to mould me to walk a greater path ahead. He needs to mould me so that I could be with someone He has prepared for me. That this relationship ahead will be nourshing and encouraging to one another. That we will love another with Him at the centre. That we can say " I need God to love him" How do I go one living ? By simply living in His grace , holding on to His goodness and yes be contented with what He gives. For God bless those who loves the Lord.

Distrubing ?

I was bored in the day and I decided to read the day's paper to check out what is going on with this world. To my disappointment, no news really captured my attention : stolen jet, a predictable results on the debate on religious issues, etc. The thing that captured my attention is not really news but a saying from the founder Malaysia's first private boarding school for girls in Cempaka. She said that she was dismayed when parents told her that they were their child's friend. She personally believed that

what children really need is a firm hand.

These words crept into my small mind and fell into unsettled juices as many thoughts germinated. I would agree with this statement to a certain extent. Children or teenagers need parents ( sometimes more than they think) to show them that
- In this world you have to stand tall when all else is falling apart
- You have to keep a strong face when the loved one hurt you
- You have to keep your faith when things go as well
- You have to be gentlemen or lady when people ridicule you and spit you
- You have to fight for what you believe for
- Live is unfair, that does not mean you have to give up living, not give up fighting
- Sometimes you just have to rough it out and there are times you just have to let go

The role model that I would like to highlight would Atticus from the killing a mockingbird. I looked up to this man though he is just a fictional character but sound words of this man attitude really gains my respect.

***

Parents should show a firm hand when the time is needed but they should be a child's friend because there are times when they don't really have any.