Friday, December 18, 2009


What is Christmas ?? I will always ask this question every year !! Especially when I think things are starting to get meaningless !! Electrical impulses rushed through my head !! Hmm !! I certainly know the facts !! Well, Christmas is to celebrate the birth of Christ !! BUT apart from that what does it mean ??

Basically there is not apart from that : my little brain concurs ! The bigger part says HEY ! there should be more !! my little brain shakes its head ! nope (the brain is in the head so this is figurative) Big brains says then why !! Small brains says THATs all !! you are not that big for nothing !! Big brain says =="" and then the argument goes on !!

Christmas every year brings different meaning to my heart ! Though it always centres on the fact that it is the celebration of the birth of Christ ! I am happy and grateful for but I cheerish different things each year !! And the thing I would like to cheerish this year would be my family !! I hope we can spend sometime this Christmas together and I can celebrate that we are one !! We are going to have BBQ !! This is for me a celebrate having a family !! I know I should not get my hopes to high on anything but I just hope this event becomes successful !! God please help !!!

Monday, November 30, 2009


Another word from Spidey ( I have been watching in a marathon manner). This time its from spiderman 3. " Whatever raging battle may occur within us, We have a choice" - It is a short message but it speaks volume . I compose a short passage about it :

We have a choice
To do right or wrong
We have a choice
To obey or rebel

We have a choice
To be selfless or a fish
We have a choice
To be happy or sad

We have a choice
To fight or just let it be
We have choice
To be ourselves or what others think

We have a choice
To conform or stand
We have a choice
To be moody(emo) or smile

We have a choice
To be a slave or a free man
We have a choice
To walk the road of integrity or slide the path of corruption

We have a choice
To choose who or what we want to believe
We have a choice
and we make them everyday

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Web attack !

I think its been at least three weeks since my last post. Its the holidays and I am watching Spiderman 2 . Somehow, I just wanted to dig up some old movies to entertain me. When I watchED the movie last time, it had a real impact on me. Apart me being a big spidey fan (you know the cool moves and innovative fighting techniques), I really like the sarcasm which comes out every now then in his fight. It was not evident in the movies but if you watch enough spidey comics every day on star, you will know what I mean =D. I guess I should leave you the details. What I would like to highlight to you is the moral lessons in the movie. It really uncovers the situation of what I am going through this very time. The combination of 3 & 2 is what is going on with my life. I mean especially the black spidey. Thats the very image I put on. I like the quotes in spidey 2

Some times to do what is right, we have to sacrifice our dreams and goals.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Little Angel

Little Angel,
I have cost so much pain
The very sound of my name

Little Angel
Bear with me a little longer
Let me give
A goodbye gift to make u stronger

Little Angel
I am fool yesterday and today
Make a pain out of a game
I should never have come

Little Angel
Bear with me a little longer
The time is near
God is here
He is always here

40945+5o34727+ 7327

Monday, November 2, 2009


For those who is reading my blog - Hi, I found this useful.

If I could speak all language of earth and of angels but didn't love others,
I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.
If I had gifts of prophecy, and if I understood all of God's secret plans and possessed all knowledge
If I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didnt love others.
I would be nothing.
If I gave everything I had to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it, but if I didnt love others
I would have gained nothing .

Love is patient and kind.
Love is not jealousy or boastful or proud or rude.
It does not demand its own way.
It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.
It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever truth wins out.
Love never gives up, never loses faith , is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstances.
Love last forever !

Saturday, October 31, 2009

For you

For YOU :
I want to be true to You. Honestly I have not been really close with You. And I have lots of problem with You. You have given me everything no doubt. You have seen me through when I cannot really get through. I am so greatful. Yet I am so ungreatful .You know what I do, You know what I say. So, For you let me walk with my eyes on You. Teach to trust You each day, Give me strength to walk the path You direct. For You I want to take each step with You ! I want to be your son.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Dealing hard facts !

Hi there, I know not many people actually browse this blog and read. Some others might just read it and never want to return to this page and view it again. Despite that, I have a story. And If you are reading this, lend me your ears.

Since I was a kid, I have always wanted to recognize by my friends : Be it my stupid classmates, my secondary school classmates, my seniors and my buddies. I wanted to be a part of them so much. I always wanted to belong never wanting to be left out or rejected. Thus I have became very sensitive and try to discern when they were not in favor of anything in me. I would feel that they have rejected and never want me. I would be on the look out that I do not do things that will caused any problems. I always wanted a deeper relationship. I have always wanted to know them more so I could fill my empty cup. I was always hurt when they did not want to talk to me or ignored me. It seems that they have rejected me and I had to learn this when I was a 7 year old kid.

To be honest with you guys out there, I was never accepted into any group of friends. I never had that "gang" or that special "group" that I always hang out with. Even if I did, it would never last because I would become sensitive and they would eventually leave me.

I was given a chance to live live with a group of friends when I reached college. In fact I managed to end myself with a couple of groups. I was happy that I was not alone anymore and I had this great family (class) to support me. Well that did not end as well as it goes. Things turn upside down, I realize that they are not really backing me up as I thought they would. I got into more conflicts with the people that I want to be because I kept wanting to be like them to follow them. I was annoyed with myself. I was depressed because I felt this world hated me. I felt that I could never fit in wherever I go. I would be lonely for the rest of my life. I had a broken heart and no shoulder to cry upon. I was unappreciated in my class. I have constant conflict with myself because I do not agree with what my heart says.

Now for you boys and girls out there ! Do you know that God loves you ! Even though every single thing you do in life is a failure? Even though you felt like you hit the bottom of the ocean when he broke your heart ? Even though you have filled those emptiness with lust and empty relationships? Even though you know you have made the wrong choices and mistakes? I am not a know it all. In fact, I think I would probably suffer most of all you guys ! But tonight, I realized that God loves me. He loves me in ways that I could never comprehend. Tonight, I felt that HEY, he made me and I am who I am. Though they cannot accept me ! He does. Though I do not belong, I belong to Him. And when I belong to Him, He is my rock on where I stand. And my wish is, I want to show the world. The world of rejects that there is still someone that loves them. Someone they belong to. A winner that ones to make losers a part of his winning team.

Again. I am not saying that I am all saintly and know it all. I have many failures and many a times I dwell in my failures. A wise men once told me

A wise men once told me It is the moment you overcome your failure, you are victor

So my friends, If feel like killing yourself today ! Know that whenever you do. There is heart that bleed for you !

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Peace park

Not to advertise or anything. Somewhere this week, I felt swept away by a big wave of hate and prejudice and confusion. SO, I took time off and travelled all the way to this place for a break. Do you guys know where it is ? It is in Tmn Paramount. No place like there. I sat there staring at the lake and enjoying the breeze. I had my devotion there. I spoke to HIM one to one. We needed to talk so this was the best place. He reminded me of whose I was and why I was send to a place like this. As today's sermon was collaborated with what He told me. Leadership is about service. Serving others in a modern world. So even though apart of me complains and sulk, God says " love your enemy, as your self " - I don't think I love myself enough. Oh ya (pardon my long windedness) . Today is sermon was also on Dorothy Leadership. Google it and see what it means. As for me, all I can say is. I am like Dorothy ! Blur most of the time ! Wrong place and wrong time. I can just do my best and leave it to God to complete. So if you ever look down on yourself ! Think of Dorothy !! =D

Thursday, October 22, 2009

10 things I hate YOU people

1. You are racist
The things you do, you do for your race. You are not sensitive to what others need and want. You segregate us and set us apart from the rest. What is the point of learning novels and literature about being racist while you are the one that do it ? What is the point in teaching 1 ******* while you are the very place that goes against this ?

2. You are illogical
The things that you do, you do not process it. You do things because it is done from generation to generation and it has always work. YOU have never for once think that what you are doing is so damaging and terrifying to others. You rag and scold the very people that are innocent. What it this ?? You ask us to attend and do things that irrelevant like attending courses that wont bring meaning and force outrageous nonsense on us

3. You are egoistic
The things that should be done. You will never do. You always promote the best for your place. The very justice you want us to uphold , You did not do ! Instead you wanted to cover your name, you shun the very people that look to you for it. You did not stop when you knew it was wrong when you touched one of us.

4. You are lazy and promotes it
The very thing that can be done in a year. You drag and do it. You will sleep and not work. They are do not want to excel when they are given the best ! I am just so frustrated because when you cannot do it, you tell others like be to do it. You drown our motivation and let us lose interest.

5. You inefficient
The things that should be given was never done. The project that should be done 2 years ago ... You started today. The equipment that should be provided is lacking and never found. The books are never found. It is irritating when work cannot be done because we lack books. You such a nuisance. You are just about anything I hate. You are wasting the best people in you.

6. This is for the people I meet- You are cold
You never come and talk to me. You say I am apart of you !! You even say we are a family when I want to do something !! I always end up doing it alone !! HOW COULD YOU!! Whenever I am sad, you just leave me alone !! You never read this so YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW that deep inside I hate YOU. You never cared when I was mad or sad. You did not see the very work I did !! YOU are blind !! Someday I will disappear !! Someday I will not be apart of YOU ! Someday You will lose me !

7. This is for the people I meet- You are stupid
You only want fun fun fun. You are not aware that the very thing in front of you is the fiery den. You will cry and be sad when you can overcome it. You are such low achievers that life has passed you by so much but you waved to it !! YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW because you do not read this. Work to be done tomorrow !! YOU will be start doing it tonight. YOU are always late to class but its OK because who cares because PAPA will send you there. Because no matter what happens PAPA will be there. I hate you !! because everywhere you go you carry a stick. A walking stick like an old man

8. This is for the people that stays above me - There is no reason I JUST HATE YOU
I hate you because you are senseless. You think you are big and want everything. You think you are clever and have done it. THIS VERY night, you have lost my respect and you are just like "" in my eyes. Do you think we are kids that we are deserved to be treated like this !! You smoke an endless puff that I hope one day will be your grave !! I can't believe they trust you to do you job !! I am sick PLEASE

9. YOU are extremist
You want people to change into your re******* . You do your prayers and expect us to follow it ?! What is this ? You says it is forbidden to practice anything here but you are the very person that do it ? What hypocrites !! I am not saying I am not !! I am just so piss of you !! The very thing I hate most is YOU limit OUR people so that you can encourage cross ******* I am hate this !! what is this ?? You promote violence because you are violence. The way you talk you expect me to follow you when you don't respect what we want ?

10. This is for the people I meet on Sundays
You are very people that is suppose to provide me peace. You are the people that suppose to show me love ? But what do you show me ? You show me selfishness !! You show me what is it like to come and be tortured !! I do not even know why I visit you every day !! You are spoilt brads that spend money because you have it. Do you even care if I was missing. NO!! Because you are a place to educate no care !! I should just call you a school ? But why do i need to go to a school on weekends ?

THE ABOVE : This are the things I have about YOU but you know what ! You will never know becaue you just DON'T CARE !! What is best !! If I can just punch you people in the face !! Make sure the very same thing happens to you !!

DESPITE that: Among YOU , I must not fail to say there those that care for me ! There are those who will go by my side no matter what. You are the people that gives me advice, play with me and sing with me. You won't think twice when I am sick !! You are the reason I can still survive being with THEM !!

Girls from my eyes

When a girl cries
People assemble to play a band
A song comfort
with many to stay and share

When a guy cries
People run and hide
As if hell is lose
He stands alone in wilderness

When a girl mad
The world is theirs
They give what they want
In a single wish of their command

When a guy is mad
The world shuns
They ignore his anger
Left to be stilled

When a girl is happy
Friends come and celebrate
The fair begins
All is bright and silver

When a guy is happy
He celebrates himself
With a solace of cake
Song sung himself

When a girl lonely
She calls and they come
Its like receive an award
Everyone wants to be your friend

When a guy is lonely
He is left to die
A rope to hang
His existence was nothing

When a girl is in need
The SWAT comes
Many shields go up
Everyone wants to save the beauty

When a guy is in need
He is push
To the front line where bullets fire
And he a fallen man

When a girl is vulnerable
The police is here
Protection is on the way
Reaffirm words floods the heart

When a men is vulnerable
Lust creeps in
His is looked down upon
And the world convicts him

Though they face their monthly pains
But their life
Stays the longer
Than many do

Though we face no monthly pians
Our days are short
And many hearts
To bear

Girls are considered
to be neat
efficient and hard working
A class above

Guys are considered
to be clumsy
slow and lazy
dogs from below

Girls just follow
They do not need to make tough choices
They do not even work endlessly
But just command others to do

to make the toughest choices
When things go wrong
They are to carry and to be blamed

Broken hearted soul

I am so drained
Like a river become land
I keep following you
That I am losing my self

I am tired
Like a man trap in sand
Sometimes I don't want
But I just cannot say no

I am scared
That I might lose this friendship
Maybe - because I have once lost
Someone I loved so dear

I am broken
Like record with no sound
I am no good
I can never make the mark

I want to cry
But the tears will not come
The pain of lost
And the fear of losing

I am greedy
And stupid
Because I want what I cannot get
Protect what I cannot keep

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

The story of the bracelet and necklace

I was once reminded of a story :
It goes like this- A young girl who was just 8 went to the shop with her daddy. She loved her daddy so much that each time he carried her on her back. She would give her best cheer or simply sing her favourite tune. At the shop, she looked high and low. And look !! Something caught her eye. It was a pearl bracelet. Like all small girls, she wanted the bracelet. She wanted to be pretty like all the other girls. So, she pleaded with her daddy to give her a bracelet. Daddy knowing his little daughter's heart bought the bracelet and gave it to her. She grinned so wide that day, mommy could see all 24 tooths that day. She kept the bracelet in her secret shinny box and stored in her cupboard. She would always visit the bracelet and wears it to all her parties. She even polish every single pearl and hung so tightly to bracelet. And as the days past, daddy was worried about his little girl's condition. He knew that something had to be done.

So, on one Sunday, He asked her for the bracelet so that he could keep it. Frightened by the request, she ran away from her daddy so she could not hear him. Another Sunday, He came by and asked the little girl to give him the bracelet, she ran away again. Another Sunday, He came and the little knowing what the father would asked cried. She said she loved him but she did not want to give the bracelet away. It was so precious to her. She remembered the time she would show it to all her friends. She remembered that when she wore it she felt beautiful. She remembered that when she wore it she was someone. She was never alone with the bracelet, she felt loved and she loved it. As she finished, daddy got up and left. The next Sunday, Daddy came again and as he usually did after his story telling time. He asked her for the bracelet. Reluctantly she took out the bracelet that was wrapped carefully in cloth. She took it and placed in his hands and talked no more. Daddy got up and left.

As time pass, the little grew up. She became intelligent, beautiful and outstanding. She was witty and exciting. She had wisdom and her friends would come to her for health. She was the best. But every year on that Sunday, she would sit quietly and remember that fateful day, Daddy took away her bracelet. She would be sat and always wondered why he took that bracelet away. Now this little girl who is now grown did come from a wealthy family. In fact, her family was one of the poorest in that place. Still, she was happy because she lived happily with her family. On the 17th year of her live, as she did her usual ritual : to sit under the tree and be silent for the day. Daddy came by and sat beside her. She did not reply or respond but sat quietly under that tree. Apart of her was still mad, apart of her was still wishing that Daddy did not take that bracelet away. She felt something coming across her neck. She was frightened but realize it was Daddy's own hand around her. "Now, Look" as he took out the mirror and showed her. She saw a genuine pearl necklace around her neck. She screamed in delight and hugged Daddy.
" You are beautiful even without the bracelet. You see when you were young, the bracelet was your world. You withhold it so close that you did not know how to grow. You stopped believing in yourself and relied on the bracelet. I took it away. The necklace is the sign that you have grown. I took pains to buy you this necklace and knew this would be the right time. You are beautiful with or without bracelet or necklace, but it takes time for you to developed this beauty. It take time for you to trust me. it takes time for you to be wise." But it was a time that was wasted. You did well grow on !!

Monday, October 19, 2009

The ever blues skies

Forget the world
That is full of nothing
Forget the events
That breeds in their heart

Forget the sky that
Once shown in the ends blue
Forget the grass that
was evergreen

Forget the pain
Forget the pieces torn
Forget the time
Forget yourself

Forget the idiotic love
Forget the lousy ever after
Forget the stupid words
Forget that person

Remember the present
Remember God
Remember who you are
Carrying that weird rhythmn
Smile and Walk
I would really love to see that !!

Recipe for the broken hearted : note it might not work for all

Recipe for the broken heart:

A teaspoon of tears - Just the right amount though many tend to add more -according to taste
A table spoon of sugar: any sort of sweet stuff will do - or anything you like
2 grams of complaints and regrets : Find someone who can complaint all you want, even scream
if necessary. Someone who you can hug at the end of the day
(Best with same sex)
3 Kati of wildness: Allow yourself to go wild with some friends over some event that may not
even exist - Just for the fun of it
2 slice of reality: take time off to relax. Don't even think of what happen, just empty your mind
You should do this with a friend. Tell yourself you are better now and move on
Say goodbye softly and never turn back
X cups of God : People tend to forget the most important ingredient. Spent time with God
A time with him is precious. Listen closely. Take as much time as you want. This
is the most crucial part of the recipe.
Mix well and stir hard - always best if you have more hands (good friends to help) Never forget to put in some strawberries- a taste of life and bake for as for the time need - It takes time and it is always apparent that you don't take too long !! THERE you go - something for you to smile and be back !! Don't cry anymore, SUCK it in , LET it all out , BREATH and LOOK to Him and WALK

The Beginning of the End

"The Beginning of the End"- Sounds familiar ?? As I was flipping through some old newspaper in my room in my efforts to look for "SUITABLE" sentences for my LDS assignment, I stumbled upon the famous terminator phrase. If you take a good looks at this phrase. I mean from an English teacher's perspective, the paradox is evident but what does it underline ? Of course the movie obviously has nothing to do with it. Ok you can argue with me that it is the end of humanity. But take a closer look--> Is Humanity an end itself ? Is not the moment a child is born, it is destined to die ? The clock starts the moment the first cry began ? No wonder babies always cry when they come out ? (Most)

Are these news rather saddening and depressing ? I mean we work our lives to the best. We achieve the popularity status or even wealth ? Will it not come to an end ? This thoughts always taunt me some way or another despite my beliefs. A genius once told me ( I mean literal genius once told me ) Its not the results that matters. It is the journey. The moment you set your eyes on the goal, to the moment to achieve it that matters. It not the beginning or the end. Am I making sense ? Think for yourself =D

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Jump fly and go !!

The heart has reasons that reason does not understand. - Jacques Benigne Bossuel

Lady with wings and wand
Why are you crying ?
hiding behind the ban
Join us who are playing

Lady with wings and wand
Why are you crying
You look ugly please let me recant
Dont be like this, we are trying ..

Lady with wings and wand
Why are you crying
You are beautiful in demand
Let go the pain you're bearing

Lady with wings and wand
Why are you crying
Is it peter, your heart he wants
That bloody fool's craving

Lady with wings and wand
Why are you crying
Look the world needs you
It is no use crying

Lady with wings and wand
Why are you crying
Forget peter de runt
n let's start flying

Lady with wings and wand
Why are you crying
Know thy God for warn
His love never dying

Lady with wings and wand
Why are you crying
Wipe your tears and move forward
Don't look back, KEEP trying

Lady with wings and wand
Live your live to the fullest !!
Enjoy every joy and the moment demands
And in sadness to God His arms loving

Lady with wings and wand
Before you start flying
Show that face and the wand
Smiling and never crying

- Peter -

Friday, October 2, 2009

Would you have this dance with me !!

This past few days, seems like a roller coaster ride for me and it has not really been all up lately !! Despite feeling unappreciated and low self esteem. DANCE !! Har ? If you guys watch the play C2C3 put last Wednesday, you will notice one really big elephant hopping on stage !! Gracefully ? You can say a bit !! It was perfect (ahem..) disregarding the minor flaws at the end !!

Why dancing ? "Dancing is an art that really requires the two to be one " - I never understood that though it has pop up in my head a couple of times. When I was dancing, my eyes were looking at my partner's. We could not look down but look at our partners. I recall making mistakes and my partner would say "its ok !" each time. Sometimes we would laugh together !!

Life is like having a waltz with your creator !! You have to look at Him when you move !! You can look else where or you would lose your step ! You must not look down but only trust in the person that is taking the lead. Whenever you make a mistake ! He whispers "Its ok ! Lets try this again, lets try till we get it " Many of us are just so frustrated because it is always us that make the mistake ! We fall or most of the time we forget our steps and spin out of control ! We often forget we have a loving God willing to go through each step - reminding us of each step as we dance ! So my friends if you are like me so low and down! Remember that is someone to pick you up and ever willing to teach the steps to this dance ! We just have to respond to - Would you have this dance with ME ?

Thursday, October 1, 2009


Shouts of Joy !! Cries of satisfaction fills the stage!
A sad state of affair
Behind the curtains sits a fool
A man that is left with nothing
Glory and Fame they carry
He walks alone
He works
He shouts
He tries the best of his
Yet the world does hinder him
Because He is just a sound
An annoying buzz
What was suppose to be his stage
Was taken by an ungreatful idiot
Who did not lay a finger
Spoke when practice went on
That could not care less of the play
But the workaholic that was scolded
The workaholice that loses his friendship
That workaholic that was scorn
That workaholic that despite being tired
Was willing to stay back when actors ask him to
Was willing to run to the back to hear the voice
That despite being so tired and sick
Continued on
That wanted to resolve most of the conflicts of the play
Had the biggest conflict
A conflict that he has suppressed every moment
I know I walk alone
On this lonely road
To be a fool
That you people will never know !!

A perfect flaw

I live in a world of imperfect.
The world where things are incomplete.
The world where I am very much the center of !
The greyness and never succeeding in what I do !
An imperfect friend!
An imperfect servant !
An imperfect lover !
An imperfect director !
An imperfect person !

A perfect flaw
Dying in the world of imperfectness !!
What is the worth of the piece trash !

Friday, September 25, 2009

2 + 2 to success

Image is from google

Know thy enemy and know thy self "

- is a saying I used to hear. It brings to mind that one must know his or her limits and abilities or skills. It brings to mind one must know his or her weaknesses and strengths to overcome many things. One must know how to overcome the enemy within him and outside of him. I would like to add to that phrase - Know thy enemy , know thy self and know thy GOD and friends. These components are lacking in this phrase. Sometimes we do not know who our God is as good as the dear lost in the park !! Its when know your God, you know your purpose in life. As for knowing your friends !! They can help you a lot if you know who they were. They are the people that despite your bad and needy look, despite the many arguments, despite the weird weird attitudes, despite the many many moody days still accepts you and hang out with you !! That is a true friend in the making ! Thatz all from me

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

A beautiful mistake

I sit here waiting
By the lonely road side
Watching all the beautiful people
Past by each day

They glow
They shine
Because of their great talent
Because of their knowledge and skills

Great works have been done
Beauty and fame submits to them
People abhore and stick close
Nothing beats being them

My existance seem wrong
My deeds spells fault
They turn away
At the sight of this mistake

A lonely stranger walks by
kneels down
Takes a good look
stretch out both His hand

BEAUTIFUL - You are mine !!

Sunday, September 6, 2009


Lets start with a few words I learnt throughout this few days.

Revamp - To change things - Have you ever change ?
Obsolete- Things that are not useful
Anaptophobia- Fear of being alone - I just got this out of a movie - go check it up for reference.

From now on, I will put new words that I come across !!

Carelessness and Laziness

These attributes though I don't like very much has stuck to me a lot. I cannot begin to tell you how many times phrases such as " You are 2 careless " comes into play. A better note that resounds is " You are so blurr". I guess I have been awfully careless in life. Especially in things that do not really matter to me at the moment. I tend wonder and ponder about things that are irrelevant and yup some (most) of the time I am sleepy. P/S I am sorry if I have done anything to have ignored or hurt someone.

With all these being said/ mentioned, I heard the sermon preached last Sunday and this attribute came popping in mind. It sort of connected like - " oh ya, I am also that !! " Being careless is not good, I have always lose things because of my carelessness and my lack of discernment. Things that are important, unimportant, matter and yes things that more dear to me like friendships. And as the analogy that Christ game about the person with the talents resound in my head. Heads bow I have not being a good steward with whatever God has gave me. I have to change !! I need to be careful with my life or one day I might lose it. A short note ! This post will only be out for three days !! So read as fast as you can !

Tuesday, August 18, 2009


A famous saying goes " A friend in need is a friend in deed ". I never quite understood that phrase until recently. "Deed" is describe in the English dictionary as something Legal or done by somebody (participating). I think one can truly see the real friends behind fake ones when things are not going well for them. Something I would like to call system down.

To be honest, I have not been much of a friend either so criticize me as much as you need ! It all started last Thursday when I had a soar throat. I could not speak well but things were just normal around me. I was feeling kind of sleepy and I was blur. There were other problems that cause irritation to my longing to pass lecturer hours. Staggering through one lecturer hall to another was a dread though I would not have prefered otherwise. Things sort took a 180 turn when Monday came. I was now contracted with flu and a possible fever.

People start to distant me from them. I don't blame them for this !! I would have done the same thing. Apart from that, I now felt the full impact of my sickness as I was occasionally falling asleep in classes and was not paying full attention. I was blowing my nose and stopping my running nose. People started to go "eeww" or "no no no " as I sat there alone in the front row of my classroom and lecturer hall. It did not really matter because I have gotten use to the idea of not seating with someone because I am not someone who attracts attention naturally or when I talk. I need to try very hard to capture people's attention all the time. Thats besides the point. Some others have told me to see a doctor knowing full well I did not have a fever. I guess it was for fear of their safety more than even a drop of concern. Well I guess they were concern but they were concern about themselves. And you have the friends who you thought would care but never even appeared in front of people. I was feeling all kinds of emotions. Sickness was an added cause.

If the story ends her, would it not be a sad one ?? Somehow the thing that made me sway from the thought of dying from the possible contraction of h1n1 would be fine. I first met two friends who said get well soon, really would like to see get well." It was heart warming !! And then when I was eating my dinner. Two people walk towards me. One was an "angel" the other (no it was not a demon) a good brother. The angel touch my forehead to check if i had fever. Well something resounded within. The brother scolded me for not telling him. Both really made me feel I had someone there when no one cared. I am blest beyong blest to have them !! The next day a phone call from mom scolding me for not telling her about my soar throat and condition and a caring family upholding me in prayer and non-stop worrying about me.

I guess in some ways I can relate and got a little taste of what does it feel like being an HIV positive and even a H1N1 patient. Being alienated from others is bad and I have felt it many a times even when I am not sick. But I can safely say there is hope because there is a God who sends help when you cry out. I may not know how exactly are these people are feeling but somehow I would like to tell them and assure them there is a God looking over them even though the world condemns and hates them !

Monday, August 10, 2009


I remember watching a movie name unbreakable when i was young .. I think it was the star actor was Bruce Willis. I guess I was young then because seriously I did not understand what happens .. It is so weird ! Most Bruce Willis films are !! hehe .. What do I mean about being unbreakable ? Am I super great about that I am unbreakable ? Or is it when you throw me down the four floor or six I wont die ? Absolutely not. What I just mean is that I was so troubled with my heart issues and that gadget that I am suppose to make for the "Pengakap" and my group has fallen far behind and about CF tomorrow !! Things sort of was going to tumbles down and I was going to be depress. And yet I think it is because of God's grace I manage to talk to Him and seek comfort and help from Him. I was able to draw strength and peace at heart from Him. He knows all things and is always willing to hear your deepest trouble. He cares for the weak, the wrong, and the abandon. And He will pick them out when you call out to Him. God cares and loves !! And with Him, I am unbreakable not because I am tough but He is strong !

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Words that knock your head !!

I never thought I would become knocked !! I guess a person that loves you dearly will send "knocking words" waking the person within ! What am I talking about ? It is those words that pierce your heart and sort of make sense in your head suddenly ! It comes from a friend, a parent (very rare but it happens) and yes even a lover (for those who have one).
My life has not exactly being in the right path and definately it has not been what I hope for. I have been lazy. I have wasted most of time watching movies and surfing the internet and doing useless things. Yes, you can argue with me saying those are necessary but I have been overdoing it. I have also filled my head and heart with nonsense. I have been left dry and empty becoming a person that seeks to fill unquenching hunger that would one day destroy me. I guess God has been knocking and I have turned a deaf ear to him. BUT. I guess today He made a point that is so crucial. He said it through the wise words of my dad. The words uttered out were Daniel, you are not like the others. You are different . I am different and indeed because I am God child and I am His.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Love defined

According to Macmillan's Dictionary, Love is to be very strongly attracted to someone in an emotional and sexual. I guess in some aspects this definition has been in my head so often that I always seeking for this love and to be accepted and sort after. I guess I so often forget this definition of love :

Love is patient, Love is kind
It does not envy, it does not boast
It is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self seeking , it is not easily angered
It keeps not record of wrongs. Love does delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trust, always hopes, always perseveres
Love never fails.

1 Cor 13

I guess I have to learn through the hard way that love is all about giving, it is does seek self pleasure, self wants and fulfillment. It does not envy others, it does not boast about who I have or other great talents I have. It is not being proud and rude that others run away from you. It does change you in the green creature the moment you see the person you like or your best friend being intimate with others. It is not easily angered. It is definately not showing your tantrum and hoping someone would come and care. It keeps no record of wrong. Even when the person hurt you so badly because he stole everything you thought you had. Even though that person does not want to cooperate with you when you begged. Even though it is a big let down when your hopes are so high. It does not delight in evil. It is not doing things that you know would that person. It is not doing things that brings you pleasure and others harm. But rejoices when someone accepts the Lord. Rejoices when a brother is with you. Rejoices in knowing God loves you wherever you are. Rejoices know that God sends people to knock your sense back. It protects not posses. It is going all out for someone when you know your position will threaten. It is giving advices that you know that person won't here but you know it will save him or her a whole lot of pain and trouble. It always trust. It is to faith in someone that he or she will not betray you. It is to know that someone will make it alright. It is to know that he or she will not let you down. It always hope. It hopes that some day that person will find God. It hopes that one day God will lead you someday. It hopes that God has prepared that special someone for you. It is hope that when you have lived your live that it is worthwhile because you live it with no regrets. It perseveres. It holds on when you have lost faith. It holds on when you feel so down and just want to quit being you. It holds on when you thought any time of the day the sky will fall and you hope you will contract a disease and die. It holds one when you have nothing. And yes trust me It will NEVER FAIL you. Where can you find such love so powerful and awesome. In the God that lives within your heart!! I could never understand the power of love and I will never be able but today I think I got a glimpse of its greatness by just understanding it. It is more joyous to give then to receive. =D

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Two face

Mentioning two face I will remember one of the famous actor name Tomily Jones or did I spell it his name right ? He played two face in a batman movie and yes the recent batman movie is still vivid in my mind. I guess many of us are two faced. Apart of us are like angels show our smiles and caring attitude to the less fortunate, donate to charity or even contribute to the environment ? HOWEVER, like it a not, there is apart of us that have the same smile but do things that the two horned and the fork knife dude agree upon. We can pretend all we want but sometimes we are selfish, lustful and always craving short terms pleasure for others. We are cruel and have many deadly intentions well hidden within of some would say an animal. On the thought of animal, I once heard that men are animals that we are the same. Well, I would agree to a certain extend cecause we have been created with an intellect and heart. We humans have the ability to resent those evil things in our heart, to repel agaisnt them, and to have the ability to say NO! But we give in and because it is part of us (some may argue). My friends, we can resist this evil in our lives and we do so by trusting in God. Only He can make the change. It must a hand in hand cooperation. What is funny is that many a times we think God has left us but it is us that leave the walk to change. It is us that secretly don't want to change and it is a struggle even though God has been patiently calling us out from our dark hole. Therefore unless we want to change everyday , we will never ever change

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

New that upset s

The effort to revert back to old system has once again been brought up and things have turn bad. I thought we were moving towards a better development and expansion of knowledge. The technology which have been provided could have been learnt in the new system. Communications could be breech easily and most importantly the mind could see better rather than curtains of "culture" and "dignity". It is really an upsetting and disappointing news. I guess the people on the other side are smile with from ear to ear. I just frustrated !!

Another thing that frustrated me is myself. I guess God made guys with a big ego and I seriously do not know why. When men do not make it, this ego get scared and he gets wounded. I would one day like to ask God why He created so many things in a man's body that would make him fall. The run was simple. I thought I could make it but I guess it is another round of defeat. How many times must I fall ? It getting more and more painful each time. Its like every effort I try to vindicate myself I fall ? Can't I do anything ? I feel terribly disappointed with myself and extremely frustrated. I guess God created man's ego balloon and poke it so that man would know his place. I guess I know my place !!

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

MOV play

I guess I have a glimpse of how Micheal Bay felt when he worked the movie transformers or his older movies such as "Armageddon". The tiredness felt each night as you hit your room or home is unbearable. I guess if you do not have a class in the morning, it would have made it easier. But none the less, I am sure it is pure hard work. Working with 51 people to produce a play it self is no doubt a head spinning event. 51 individuals who has different concepts and ideas regarding the play that has to stage in a short period of 2 months.

I can never say that I did not want to be an assistant director because I wanted to contribute my all in making this play a success. But as I hold on to this post, I felt the sacrifice are just too great. It is because of this play, I have started arguing with some of my friends and have conflicts with them. It is because of this play, I am having a sudden pain in my throat. It is because of this conflict I appear tired and drained out in class. It is because of this play, I am critizise and looked down upon.

I guess being among people has never been my strong point. I do appear to be an extrovert but many a times I am an introvert because I tend to friendly and close to my friends around me. I have a sense of discomfort if any new people are added in my group. I can safely say I don't have many friends because I am not sure if it is a character flaw but I almost always make enemies with those who are close to me, that is why I do fear a sense of intimacy. People might call me a people "pleaser" because I always try my best to avoid conflict with them because whenever conflict strikes I fall and my whole being is disturbed. I will feel the surging pain and would be utterly lost.

Enough said about myself. I guess MOV is a good play to stage. However, being able to be stage it would a test of endurance and strength. I do not know how long can I tolerate the side effects of directing this play but I guess I just have to hold on and pray each day that My God will be gracious to me.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Difficult moments

I wonder why most of the time the posts I make are saddening. Well, I guess I write when I am not well. There are always difficult moments in life, and this moments always comes to you when you least expected it. May it be a conflict with a friend, a time of loneliness, a time where you remember someone important who has left, a failure, difficult choices to make they come and some may just scar your life. What do I do when I face tough times ? I guess I would just close my eyes and sleep hoping the time will just past and I would not have to face it. But one think that helps me most is prayer though sometime I do admit I falter and do not even believe in some of them but it comforts me to pray to someone more powerful and stronger than me. So my dear friends if you face tough moment DO PRAY

Saturday, June 27, 2009

A tribute to an old friend !

Hey Jane if you are reading this ! HAPPY BIRTHDAY !! ... Guess you are already getting old .. hahaha .. Jane is a secondary school good friend and has always tried to help me and cheer me up no matter how down I was. I guess Me and Hoe Howe and Jane have been good friends and THIS memory of us 3 will in my memories !! haha Take care you 2 !!

Sunday, June 21, 2009


Making decisions are one of the most complex thing that a human being can and must do. We practically make decisions each day. What makes the world (literally) of difference is the choices you make. The people we want to talk to or approach to the most simple thing as a going to the loo. Sometimes decisions can be hard ... But if we dont make them, it is all the more worse. Sometimes we are just too scared. I am too ! But they must be carried out. Well one of my decisions for this up and coming semester is to write more and to pursue a distant dream that can come true!!

Another thing we make is Resolutions. I have heard tonnes of complaints and wrong perceptions towards resolutions. Most people will tell you off saying it will never work out. My brother once told me that why people read great inspiring books and fail to make a success is that we dont follow the majority of the instructions. Likewise, I am telling you if you don't hang on to your resolutions. It will be just an empty talk just like what they say!! I will start making my resolutions tomorrow though it will be a late one I guess it is worth a good try !! Many of you are off to university or just a new semester! try setting simple and easy to accomplish resolutions and work towards it !! It will do a lot of wonders! .. Note: Try to keep it flexy !! and it is not a 100% success !

Monday, June 15, 2009


i feel very strongly that I need to write this !
Even though there were storms in my life and earth quakes. Some major breakdowns too. I had to endure discrimination and hurt. Some other time I had to face rejection from others. But through it all.... As I look back ... Even I was down and thought there was no one there for me. I had friends, people who would talk with me and bare my stupidity and listen to me. Even most of my "friends" left, they stood by me and for this ! They deserve the very best !! Though I did not notice because of how stupid and blind I was !! They were there !! and I made it through and become who I am today is because of them Thank GOD for giving them to me. The list goes below... If I left out your name ... It is not because I did not think of you. You are in my heart and its probably because my fingers and tired. PS the importance does not go according to the number :)

Ah Howe, Andrew (my brother), Enoch ( my other brother), Wen Dee , LEE JANE LI , Wei Yi , Benjamin Wong, Vinoedh, Chee Yang ( though we have lost touch), Erlina, Sam , Jiani, mom and Dad....

You PEOPLE and the best .... LOVE you guys and miss you guys SO SO SO much !! GOD BLESS Till we meet again ! Take care

Sunday, June 7, 2009

The song I learnt how to play

So lately, been wondering
Who will be there to take my place
When I'm gone you'll need love to light the shadows on your face
If a great wave shall fall and fall upon us all
Then between the sand and stone could you make it on your own.

If I could, then I would
I'd go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low, I'd go wherever you will go

And maybe, I'll find out
A way to make it back someday
To watch you, to guide you, through the darkest of your days
If a great wave shall fall and fall upon us all
Well then I hope there's someone out there
who can bring me back to you

If I could, then I would
I'd go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low, I'd go wherever you will go

Run away with my heart
Run away with my hope
Run away with my love

I know now, just quite how
My life and love might still go on
In your heart, in your mind I'll stay with you for all of time

If I could, then I would
I'd go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low, I'd go wherever you will go

If I could turn back time
I'd go wherever you will go
If I could make you mine
I'd go wherever you will go
I'd go wherever you will go

- The Calling -

Wednesday, May 27, 2009


The orange sky clouds itself in red. Below the big cherry apple tree, stood two people. They were both dress in white. One was slightly taller than the other. They sat there in silence, slowly and deeply enjoying the evening sunset with the birds flying towards west in the sky. The green grass just below their feet. The evening breeze gently brush their white faces. The younger sister broke the silence. " Sis, Is there true love out there ? Or will it be a painful and tornful journey? Is there true love? The ones when you feel abandon and yet there is someone right beside you and you can cry your heart out? Is there true love out there?when all about you is foreign and you do not know who you are because you feel so lonely you want to disappear Is there true love out there where you can sit beside your most loved and you don't even have to say a word, you are contended . Is there true love out there ? The ones that does not focus on themselves but willing by all your heart care for that one person? Is there love out there so sweet and warm? .... A silence ... a cold silence as the gentle breeze sweeps across the cherry apple tree bring small petels of flowers dance gracefully with the win.

The older sister turned and looked at the younger sister smiling . A warm and gentle smile. She turn her head and looked across the green fields and whispered until her breath. "there is "

Thursday, May 21, 2009

People !!! Exams are finally at my end .... I can finally take a step back and look in front the mirror. I have not been blogging lately maybe because it was the exams and yes laziness. Times just pass us by... Its the end of one year for Ipbarians and you people from other IPG .. I feel somewhat confuse though I know a difficult sem has just pass and another difficult wave approaching. I guess this is the time for me to catch a breath before embrassing another wave ! Well at least after through hard and struggling time ... I guess all is not lost .... At least I know what I must do though there are some grey areas .... hehe .. You guys must be lost ( some must have stopped reading) keke ... Sorry for being sooo long winded .. hahah I'm just reflecting on the last semester and how it has been ... Ups and downs .. Roller Coaster of life .. Well I gotta make sure I dont fly off .. Till next time with some pictures ... Take care !

Sunday, May 3, 2009

English camp

Off to English camp, just a short one .. will be doing public speaking ! Will my childhood trauma taunt and haunt me ... Just have to think of a way ... Well tell you guys more !

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Time to grow down

It sounds weird but I think it is true. I believe that most of us need to grow down not the other way. We have spend so much time trying to be a grow up that we forgot to be a child. I can tell you straight that being a grow up is not always good. Hehe .. My dear friends, how many wish you would believe things so innocently ? Would just believe every word someone tells you? I think doubt and being deceived has clouded our minds. Christ once said, if none of you become this little ones, you could never enter the kingdom of God. I believe so. I want to just believe. I want to turn doubt a deaf ear. Because everyone is trying to sell their thoughts to me. I will believe the one the one that loves me.

What is growing down? Is it being an innocent kid ? I would like to define growing down is going back to the time where we truly believe that God exist. The time where we would carry out our responsibility because we know someone is watching us. Not to be a wild undiscipline child ! I want to be a kid and an adult at the same time. To be able discipline myself and take up a responsibility like someone is watching me without.... If you catch what I am trying to tell you. You would agree with me ! However being a college kid is not all freedom thats what I have learnt. Where there are freedom (liberty to do things within boundaries of right and wrong - I just learnt) there will be responsibility !

Friday, May 1, 2009

Infection 129 - Only present for 2 days

Infection 129 has strike me, when I look in the water, the reflection does not seem to show the real me. What have i turned into ? i dont even recognize him staring back at me ! Who can I see ? Where can I go ? The endless spinnig of the wool like a victim caught around spider web. I wish a achieve a lot of dreams but it seems like this web has prevented me like glass escalator.
What I want to do I cannot do ... What I do not want to do I keep doing - Paul. This verse pretty sums up most of my headaches of my life. Plus some unwanted incidents have flooded me. I do not know how to handle !! I am collapsing! Who will catch me ? I believe ! No one !! Its ok just let me close my eyes and disappear !! I am tired and do not know where to rest !! When you feel the world is about to come to an end ! What do you do?

Above is the reflection of my life. I felt it is an endless rat race. Pursue of fake joy, happiness and estacy. I have also neglected my responsibility as student and child. I know I can do better. Pressures, bad circumstances, pleasure. I think I have led those control my life. It has been rotten. I am coming to an end in my horrible sem. Many questions and struggles overwhealm me. It seems I have lost my identity and life. If this goes on, every single thing will crumble. I need God !

Saturday, April 18, 2009

The world spins
Whether you like a not
The heart bleeds
whether you like a not

The waves hit the rock
Whether you like it a not
Reality shock
Whether you like a not

The end will come
Like it a not
The sky rains
Whether you are cry in it or not

The never ending blue ocean
The black skies
How my heart floats among you
Waiting to smash with the rocks

Have I always been like that
The craddle of Tragedy
What disruption caused !
Sounds of this ugly baby
Crying the pain it will bring

How a painful sight !
A man seeking something
He cannot find
A world of fantasy

He patiently wait
But He knows his answer
yet he wait for the glimsp of hope
The time will come
When he will walk away in despair
because he just could not wait
Or the thing has been destroy
O.. what a tragedy !

Wednesday, April 15, 2009


I need to focus, I know sometimes I let others things hinder me, I need to focus on Him and no one else ... let no one else be in my life for the time being.

On a lighter note, guess what ... tomorrow will be my first and last time cheerleading !! Hope I will do my utmost best !! Go blue house !!! Bravery , Live , Unity and Excellent !!! I know for a guy to say that sounds lame but ... lets not dwell on that .!! chaio !

Saturday, April 11, 2009

You people

You are

the worry of my heart 
you are always alone
A person who like to sit in darkness
I want to show you 
The light and forgiveness
To know Him

You are 
the inspiration of my heart 
you light up my life
A person who challenges me to great hights
I want to be you
To be a person you now love
To know Him like you
You love God 
Proving to me the impossible 

You are
the apple of my heart
you the one I hope for
A person I hope seeks God 
I want to be with you
But time must shape us 
To know Him together
Let grow to know Him each day 

You are 
the women of my life
Your hands guide me through life
You voice reminds me 
A person I look up to
I want love you 
Like no other child 
To know Him no doubt
To make you proud

You exist
Beyond my grasp
You hold the universe
I owe my all to You
A time will come 
When we will meet face to face
Hope I will meet you each day
so that when that day come
I can admit 
I am home =D

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Chapter 2 The Rise

Many people walked by, they do so like always. They always laughed and walk happily. Somehow, their view were blurred, maybe by the snow. They would be wrapped around with their coats A stranger came by.He was wearing a big coat, a hat of a good gentlemen, and dress for professionals. He bent over. Asked the girl why was she there. She did not responded. She did not even looked up. He then asked if she would go home that he knew the way. She whispered to the stranger in her small cold vioce "Go away, I m hideous ." The man smiled, left his coat, slowly got up and left.

The next day, the man came to her again. This time he brought along a letter. This letter was special as it was written in red. He knelt down asked whether she wanted to follow him said that he knew the way home. She quivered at her little space. Still bent, she whispered in her small cold voice " Go away, I have done shameful things" The man smile dryly, left the post card, slowly got up and left.

The following morning, the man did not show up. As the went, crowds walked by. Going about the business. Some discussed the whether, some discussed work issues. There were some that saw the girl but ran away. Yet ,there were those who walked to her asked her questions and left.
At evening, The man walked to her. He brought a beg with him. He lowered the beg. Asked her the same question. Almost unheard, she said " Go away, I am a loser. I will never succeed " The man smile dryly, left the beg, slowly got up and left.

The third day, the man did not show up during the day, nor in the evening. The day passed by, people walked by about their stories and live. Some emphasize how they were and they work were their lives. At night, the man came. This time he brought a picture, in this picture, there words written at the back. The man stoop down asked the question. She said'' Go away, I don't belong anywhere please go home.

The fourth day, people had almost forgotten about the girl. She was now part of the scenery. At midnight, a dark figure came. The girl could sense the presence of this figure but could not see it. She knew this will be the end. As the dark figure walked towards her. She shivered even more. This figure suddenly move quickly and with much force dash towards her. Ready for death, she sat there calmly awaiting death. As the figure stopped, he spoke. That voice was familiar. It was that man. He came and this time sat in front of her. He leaned forward and touched her fore head. Suddenly, a great light entered her eyes. She sees the coat that was left for her belonged to her mother, she saw the beg laid in front of her, it contained files of her past accomplishments, she saw the picture and saw her friends. It wrote " Hope you love your life, we are waiting for you, supporting you, seeing you thru though we cant meet, do your best, live life the way you want it to be, we are counting on you !!" The last thing was the most queer item. It was a letter. As she opened the letter, She read " Paid in full, waiting to claim, repentance required". It was written in red. The man spoke " I know the way home will you follow me ?" " It is not easy but I will be your guide" He reach out his hand. She reached out slowly not knowing what will happen. When their hands touched. Warmness overflow her, her wings grew a new. She rose slowly as the stranger helped her. She felt often, but as she stood her ground. She spread her wings, joining hand she and he flew.

Chapter 1 Fallen angel

It seems like it has been snowing forever. Snow flakes drop, covering her bare skin. Time has left her. Hours that seems like eternity has passed. Slowly, she opens her eyes and sees an unfamiliar scenary. Where was she ? Feeling a sharp pain surround her body and head. She felt at a lost as she tries her utter best to remember the past incident. She sat up slowly picking up what was left out of her. She stared at the sky as the cold breeze brush against her face. Suddenly it all came back to her. She has fallen from the sky. Looking at her wings, she noticed it was torn.... Fatigue covers her body. She bents over hugs her knees. Slowly, tears start rolling down her face , drop by drop it hit the ground. In the cold snow, all remains was the sound of the past events. She could not go home nor can she be the person she used to be. To be defile and thrown out. Suddenly, shame flooded her, what has she done ? She sobs alone, pondering what is she going to do ? It seems that the world has turned gray.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Old has gone, the New has come !!

It's been a while since I wrote in my blog. Its has been a month !! Recent incidence in life have cause a lot of things to change !! But to savor a moment let me give you a poem.

They all come in threes

Sadness, Loneliness and Pain
Brown leafs shed
Many have left
I stand solely as people pass me by

Happiness, Joy and Smile
Snow breeds happiness
They remembered !!
They day I took a step forward in life

Dreams, Ambitions, Goals
Spring has come
I have to face them
The three giants in life

Fall, Horizon, Sunshine
I fell as painful as it is
I must rise up because THEY called
And again to see the sunshines in my life

I m not perfect, smart, or sociable
I make them three
Mistakes, Miscommunications, Mishaps
I will try to change
Not to be the lost boy anymore
But a man that knows the way
because I am needed
And After all
I am a year older !!

I told you they all come in Threes
Time to Change !!

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

The unquenching flame

I have an illness. Not the ones that you would find the hospitals or clinics. It is also not the ones that makes you paralyze or blind. My sickness is what you call a fire syndrome.

As the name gives you a clue, this illness is unique. You see, Like fire, when it is lit in the dark, people will go to it, as it provides a sense of warmth, light and protection. But ironically it stands alone, when you get to close to fire or anything it will burn !!

Likewise, I am a person who when you are lost, you can find me. I will provide comfort, warmth , protection and hope. But once you get to close to me or rather when I try to get close to you, You will be hurt and run away. You cannot get close to me. It is not I want to burn you or seclude myself !! It happens if I get too close to anyone, I will burn them and they will run away from me.

I don't what is wrong with me ... I stand but always alone.... I cannot stand it anymore...People coming closer and then when they get too close... I will end up hurting people and being alone... I am just tired !! I am not sure how far I will stand !

Moments to ponder

My life as I viewed it so far has not been organized(Singular noun + singular verb- SVA haha wanna know more ask me or my classmates). In other words, Messy!!

Beginning this week, I entered a badminton tournament. How did it go ? This was a common question I got? Well.. ( I would say) ... Actually (they say it is a Malaysian word originally but..) It did not go that well :) There you go a standard defeat answer. My partner and I lost terribly in straight sets of 11-8 and 11- 7 I think ! and the latter game was worst. But what surprise me was I was angry that we lost the first match and not the second. One of the main factors of my defeat was 1. I did not put it my all 2. I did not trust my partner 3. I had my prejudices against my partner
By the end of the game I was miserable !!

The next day (Tuesday), I went to watch the woman 's team. I was also there to support my friends who were taking part in it. They did fine even though they lost to a tough opponent. I would say congrats , job well done !!

Wednesday, It was the audition day!! But before that, I went to HEP for a meeting. YES, freedom at last. I was officially fired as an MPP and YES I am so glad it ended this way. Now! I am a free man with no work load and YES no boring meetings and I can SKIP assembly !!! Too good to be true !! Now to the audition. Well not much to say about it... As many of our mates liked the idea of a romantic scene ... and the favorite line I would quote would be ...In such a time as this ... My ears are dropping !! .. Maybe one day I will recite such a poem to my lover !!

Pushing all that aside... I feel that I am losing my friends. I know this would occur someday. I am like a cursed friend. Every time I try to know someone better, my friends will act cold towards me. Maybe I am being too sensitive and emotional ! Would anyone point out my mistakes ? or is it just a curse ? Another recuring thought is the fact I am getting super lazy.. no motivation and drive. The environment discourages me from studying. Oh boy !! Where am I now ? I need to spend time in quietness .... Realign myself once again .. Get my piriorities back !! But how ? God please help me !

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Let us watch the sky

My friend,
I see you are apart
A crystal
Falling to the ground

On my windows
filled the sky

to meet in a day
let it run away

needs to mend to broken
Till time has its work

Though we walked separate roads
This path we cross
Till it diverges
Lets walk together

Open your eyes
O sleepy wan
See that
There friends around u

That the world is not
As dark as you see
We are hear
Now wake up

Thursday, February 19, 2009


Today, I learnt something important, I learn that life on earth is never perfect. Why am I stating the obvious ? Because I feel that things will never occur the way you want in life. You predict that certain will turn out like this but it will be. Some call this the ironies of life. I call this a lesson to learn.

In my life, I always wish for the acceptance of people I like. I wish that things will turn out fine and I will have a great time. But in reality, things don't always go my way. The very people I wish to accepted and have a good fellowship never turned out. Rather, I gain friends that up to today I still cannot master the skill of appreciating them. Life is on earth is never perfect and constant. We can only trust in the existence of God that is constant.

Some hope for friendship
But found enemies
Some hope for a better future
But found hardships

Some find fame and glory
but found pain and agony
Some fine riches and happiness
but found loneliness

Some find love in romance
but found pain and rejection
Some find a partner to talk to
but found a wall that reflects

Some find and never get
Some find but never found
Some find but found
That the thing they need was

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

One inch more

I played badminton today. It is probably due to the futsal competition, my partner usher did not followed me to the badminton competition. Anyway, I went by myself to the badminton chord to find there were only a few players at the chord. Within a few minutes I was up, I went in partnering with someone who can be considered one of the better players there. With this in mind, I was confident I was going to win. But you know what ? I lost due to carelessness on both parties. We lost 21-20. We should have won. Next match, again I lost partnering another uncle 21- 18 and Last was with Dr. L and He was a good player. Being around him and his partner always posts an impression that I have to perform my best so that I wont let him down. I tried my best but THOSE STUPID mistakes met me !! We lost 21 -13.

Thinking of the badminton game today led me to think of my life thus far. I think of the decisions I have made so far, the decision to chose a career path that only two in my blinking good school would even consider. The decision of let go of something so so important to me. Stupid decisions like speaking at the wrong time, tone to another. The decision to avoid someone or speak something stupid. The decision to say yes to some place in the student council due to friendship . The decision to study when others would play. The decision to do idiotic things which I know I would immediately regret as soon as it is done.

My point after rattling like an old grandmother is What if the decisions I made were terrible ones. What if I am not suppose to here. What if I could be someone else being with someone else. What if I missed my mark by just an inch. What if I messed up my this one life on planet earth.
I somehow feel at a lost with what I am now !! Many a times I know I stand alone. I know I am an outspoken person and yes I have many weakness that people hate. People will usually walk away. My moral once asked our group that is there someone in your class that nobody likes and always left out without groups. I feel I am the one person. AM I at the wrong place ??? AM I miserable because of my stupidity ??? Do I want the sympathy of others ? I am at a lost again !!

Sunday, February 15, 2009


Singles who celebrate valentines !!

On the another note, white roses !! .. Just a random word from my friend while thinking of Valentines . Watched House, it is about death, Not worth the money if you ask me but that's just me

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Letters from ...

I pray that...
You will not let the haze the cloud you
Not to look floods to surround you

I pray that...
That no amount of bitterness will cover
That the skies are not within reach

I pray that...
Shades of memories don't fill the picture
That regret is not all there is

I pray that...
Pain and depression don't overcome you
that you will the light is brighter than ever

I pray that
God will reach out His hand
And Stick together those broken pieces

I pray that
You will rely on Him solely
To build your live once more on Him

I pray that
You will stay steadily in his arms
Only He make mend !

As for me
I hope that you will get better !
And if cloud descends
And I am seen no more
I wish you well

Let the pass deal with itself
Get up and look forward
We cannot change what happened
But the future

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Love triangle vs triangle of love

I believe romantic love is a triangle. Whether it is a triangle of love ? or a love triangle ? It is still a triangle.

A love triangle is when you have 3 people where one love another and another love someone else.

Whereas a triangle of love is different. And if both of you love yourselves and another it will be a parallel line. The triangle of love is when the vertex is God. The lover A starts from point A ( gender) moves in a direction towards God. Similarly Lover B starts from point B and moves towards the vertex God. In this triangle, it is said that when you move towards loving God. And we start to love God more and more. We will be able to meet our lover. This relationship can grow and is built on God not on one other. Why is this important? Because humanity is a failure. We given the opportunity will mess up the relationship with one other.

I am still learning this concept and hope to apply this in my life. If you trust me .. Try this method ... And see if it works !

Random pictures

Stichy .. he is my good companion even though i dont meet him often
Light in the dark!!

Sometimes live need a walk of faith

From national geography- The eyes tells a million words!!

Honk the hon goes !!

Guess what it was hon's birthday!! Hon and I celebrated his birthday yesterday! Since my blog is full of words. I will the pictures do more of the talking. :

It all started with a movie. The Wedding game !! A nice show to watch if you watch many hollywood news !!
The donut met the coffeeIt was at J CO but the donut met my stomach !! haha

A final finish with Makan at the sushi place..
Who says hon don't eat fish !! Its a lie and conspiracy!!

Saturday, February 7, 2009

I fell down !!

It was a beautiful scene. The man was walking stylishly. He was high spirited apparently out of no concrete reason. There was an air in his walk somehow. He confident walk pass the small pebble, skip pass a dirty plastic bag, the paper that flew, there was nothing that could stop him. But, there was one last obstacle. It was the bar with the lines. He smile to himself and looked and the guard, he was sure he will skip past this stage with ease. So like natural professional he quicken his pace, moving the left and to the right and jumps. The guard beside him saw in awe. And all of a sudden, BAM!!! He was on face down on the ground. The guard made no eye contact fearing of further embarrassment. I was hurt !!

In many a time in my life i fall and get hurt. But most of the time it is not I that is hurt only. Like the story above, it only involves a person but when things gets complicated others are involve in it. And in relationships the hurt might be deeper!! I myself am guilty of such a work! I as a writer would like to apologize for the people that I have hurt by my stupid and selfish acts, conceited ways and yes indecisiveness. I am not a man of great integrity and honor. I am a fool who is just finding my way around. I often knock into people and most of the time. I will end up alone and discriminated by the ones I try to love.

But feeling down and staying down is not going to solve any of my problems and nobody would want to help me. So, I will just have to stand up on my own 2 feet, put on a thick smiling face and walk forward. Even though my hand still hurt and other parts 2 - it will serve as a reminder to be more careful and aware of how much pain my stupidity can cause myself and others that I care about.

With that I would like to say sorry for those I have cause such a pain. Please bear with me !!

Friday, February 6, 2009

illnesses and remedies

Thought i post something today. Relax it wont be a poem.

I turn on my radio this morning after 2 weeks of "rest", I thought it would be just fine but the sound that came out was musty if you can smell. The thing about posting so early something this early in the morning is probably because there somethings hidden within me that I need to express. You may see some similarities in my experience and may want to learn something from it. Your welcome. With this said,

I have experienced a broken heart, a delusion , a confusion and a break down all happening at the same moment.

About a broken heart: It is the sudden sharp pain across the chest and it leaves many in despair, and the worst part of it is the letting go of that person that you hold so close. Sometimes the betrayal is so bad and heartfelt, sometimes it is just miscommunication and sometimes it is to prevent mistrust and hurt that will occur in the future. Whatever the reason, it reaps us apart and constantly thinking about that person is painful. I m not specialist but - let go you must ! Heal you must ! Forgive you must! Recover you must!

About the delusion : The constant thought of the existance of something that one is very obsessed about. Some are obsessed about toys, games, fantasy , love ones and yes LOVE or I should put it the feeling of being wanted and consider important by someone close to you. The adrenaline of the heart race when one provides and protects. Delusion can cause one to fall from a higher cliff than one would know. To conquer it you should put reality in mind and departing from your obsession. It can be done.

About confusion: I once was struck with a confusion that distraughtthe fundamental values of my life. My religion that I hold dearly to was challenged and put to the test. Like a difficult math question, confusion could be solve by getting better insights and knowledge about the matter. Maybe we didnt look closely at the matter before we made the judgement ? Much consideration is to be made. Not giving up will be the key to this success

Why am I stating all these ? Do I know all the answers ? I'm just another living human being like you, trying to figure out life. My answers are not all correct, it rather my opinion on how to conquer the matter. I m not saying it will work or it will be easy, but it may work out for you!!

Saturday, January 31, 2009

Gamble of your life

Past few weeks have been a waking nightmare so far for me, something like seeing the beating of someone that you loved. I stripped myself of whatever values, principles, rules that have governing me all my life thus far. I tried to search for the ultimate truths of this life. I wanted to know whether what i hold is something call a fantasy when others expeirence reality. I began with the question what will happen when I die and like a maze that started from the end tracing whether I will arrive at where I am standing- the starting point. I wanted to know this because this will probably lead to the life in which I would lived. As my search carried on and on, I began difting to the many possibilities one human can believe and carry on his live.

My conclusion is there is ultimate truth in this life. There is no one way where you can 100 % guarantee to know where one person will go when he or she dies.

So in short, life is a gamble to where one would go. Some do not want to gamble, waiting for the answers and regret. Some made do not know which to gamble and end up with nothing. And yet there are those who gamble with all that they have got to see whether they have lost it all or won the whole lot. For me, I choose to gamble, I choose to gamble on God that he exist and he loves me.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Greatness thrust upon

We are all dillussioners
We are losers
We are monsters
We are all fading flowers

We are here gone tomorrow
We are conceive by greed
Lust & Power
We desire ourselves

But, what makes human beings different
from all other beings

We have the ability to change
We have the ability to dream
We have the ability to hope and wish
We have the ability to be different

Yes I am good for nothing person
That my existance is just a speck on earth
That I will disappear and count for nothing
And Yet - And yet I dare

I dare to close my eyes and see
To hope for the impossible
To dream for the unthinkable
To be the beholder of this great light

Many mysteries unheard
Many puzzles to solve
Many heart breaks to heal
But I dare to take that step

Thursday, January 15, 2009


" If I had not been so naive
To think that there is good
In this world
That the I could roam freely "

" If I had been wiser
To think it is everybody for their own
Even people that believe they help
are pursuing selfish reasons"

"If I could whisper
To tell others that lovers
are all out to gratify
Their cravings and needs "

"If I had been there
The end of all journeys
To see for myself
What stands at the end "

"If I could tell
For myself which is good
and which is bad
And those who care are sincere"

If I would yell
The words " I hate "
It will only be to You
And hopes it repeats forever

Why did you give me something
And I take it back
By the cruel way
Reaping my heart out

You show a world of fantasy
Where pain and loneliness don't sound
In your celebration and praises
When you smile and laugh hurts me

I know I am the worst
But that does not give you the right
To step and stab me

I know I am a loser
that my decisions lead to hell
My language and expression sucks

You made me
Where are you now ?
You prove to be true
but how true are you ?

Monday, January 12, 2009

Thoughts in the wilderness

This world and its functions are too hard to comprehend
The pain and pleasure , the ever wondering heart

The taste of sweet melodies
To shake the heart or minister to the soul ?

The sound of strong words
To inspire own pursues or heavenly message

The sight of gatherings and kindness
Artificial or real

Sometimes I wonder
Am I alive or dead
Sometimes I wonder
Have I make the right choices

Is the one they own
Mine too ?
How do I know
He exist

I asked Him sincerely
but no answers have I got
Maybe I am too naive
Or maybe just maybe
He isnt there

Sunday, January 11, 2009

A passing by

I realize that my blog is full of sad things. In a way, I have my moments of doubts, sadness and confusion. My moments of loneliness, crack downs and pain. But if i reflect my life thus far.. I have enjoyed countless moment of memorable moments in my life. Times of laughter, Times of joy , times of craziness. Nonetheless I hope for the challenges ahead as I journey. I will more tomorrow if I can. If not See you guys

Thursday, January 8, 2009

There was never a world
There was never a God
There was never a me and you

If I tell you that we live
In such meaningless existance
That by the end we will die

If I tell you that we lonely,
Everyone is selfish
That by the end of the day is me only

If i tell you that we are not good enough
Everyone is better
That by the end you will never be good

If I tell that we are dreaming
keeping dreams that keeps us happy
That by the end we are nuts

Would you ever believe me ?
Would you say I have the problem
That your world is bright and shinny
That mine is gloomy and troubled ?

Where do we stand ?
Are we useless beings wasting the planet
Do we mock one another
Thinking that one is still young and no thoughts
That what we say is childish songs
In your petty ears

I don't you will
Because you world is far too fine
You will refute with a wave of words
Tell me a thousand things
I wont listen anymore !!

Friday, January 2, 2009

We are afraid

We are all afraid of truths. Truths that I say are truths that exposes us. Makes us vulnerable and gullible. We often try so hard just not to accept it and think of other means not to do so. Some truths are too big to uncover and if we had known, it will reap us apart.

We are afraid of rejection. It is the thing that hurts us and makes us stand alone. We are afraid that one day we not accepted, abnormal and become an out cast.

What can we do ? I think its not to stay down when you are rejected, or give up on truths or conceal them . I think it is stand up and face it once again . It is true that you may fall again but getting up each time will be easier until you can stand firm !!!