Saturday, October 31, 2009

For you

For YOU :
I want to be true to You. Honestly I have not been really close with You. And I have lots of problem with You. You have given me everything no doubt. You have seen me through when I cannot really get through. I am so greatful. Yet I am so ungreatful .You know what I do, You know what I say. So, For you let me walk with my eyes on You. Teach to trust You each day, Give me strength to walk the path You direct. For You I want to take each step with You ! I want to be your son.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Dealing hard facts !

Hi there, I know not many people actually browse this blog and read. Some others might just read it and never want to return to this page and view it again. Despite that, I have a story. And If you are reading this, lend me your ears.

Since I was a kid, I have always wanted to recognize by my friends : Be it my stupid classmates, my secondary school classmates, my seniors and my buddies. I wanted to be a part of them so much. I always wanted to belong never wanting to be left out or rejected. Thus I have became very sensitive and try to discern when they were not in favor of anything in me. I would feel that they have rejected and never want me. I would be on the look out that I do not do things that will caused any problems. I always wanted a deeper relationship. I have always wanted to know them more so I could fill my empty cup. I was always hurt when they did not want to talk to me or ignored me. It seems that they have rejected me and I had to learn this when I was a 7 year old kid.

To be honest with you guys out there, I was never accepted into any group of friends. I never had that "gang" or that special "group" that I always hang out with. Even if I did, it would never last because I would become sensitive and they would eventually leave me.

I was given a chance to live live with a group of friends when I reached college. In fact I managed to end myself with a couple of groups. I was happy that I was not alone anymore and I had this great family (class) to support me. Well that did not end as well as it goes. Things turn upside down, I realize that they are not really backing me up as I thought they would. I got into more conflicts with the people that I want to be because I kept wanting to be like them to follow them. I was annoyed with myself. I was depressed because I felt this world hated me. I felt that I could never fit in wherever I go. I would be lonely for the rest of my life. I had a broken heart and no shoulder to cry upon. I was unappreciated in my class. I have constant conflict with myself because I do not agree with what my heart says.

Now for you boys and girls out there ! Do you know that God loves you ! Even though every single thing you do in life is a failure? Even though you felt like you hit the bottom of the ocean when he broke your heart ? Even though you have filled those emptiness with lust and empty relationships? Even though you know you have made the wrong choices and mistakes? I am not a know it all. In fact, I think I would probably suffer most of all you guys ! But tonight, I realized that God loves me. He loves me in ways that I could never comprehend. Tonight, I felt that HEY, he made me and I am who I am. Though they cannot accept me ! He does. Though I do not belong, I belong to Him. And when I belong to Him, He is my rock on where I stand. And my wish is, I want to show the world. The world of rejects that there is still someone that loves them. Someone they belong to. A winner that ones to make losers a part of his winning team.

Again. I am not saying that I am all saintly and know it all. I have many failures and many a times I dwell in my failures. A wise men once told me

A wise men once told me It is the moment you overcome your failure, you are victor

So my friends, If feel like killing yourself today ! Know that whenever you do. There is heart that bleed for you !

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Peace park

Not to advertise or anything. Somewhere this week, I felt swept away by a big wave of hate and prejudice and confusion. SO, I took time off and travelled all the way to this place for a break. Do you guys know where it is ? It is in Tmn Paramount. No place like there. I sat there staring at the lake and enjoying the breeze. I had my devotion there. I spoke to HIM one to one. We needed to talk so this was the best place. He reminded me of whose I was and why I was send to a place like this. As today's sermon was collaborated with what He told me. Leadership is about service. Serving others in a modern world. So even though apart of me complains and sulk, God says " love your enemy, as your self " - I don't think I love myself enough. Oh ya (pardon my long windedness) . Today is sermon was also on Dorothy Leadership. Google it and see what it means. As for me, all I can say is. I am like Dorothy ! Blur most of the time ! Wrong place and wrong time. I can just do my best and leave it to God to complete. So if you ever look down on yourself ! Think of Dorothy !! =D

Thursday, October 22, 2009

10 things I hate YOU people

1. You are racist
The things you do, you do for your race. You are not sensitive to what others need and want. You segregate us and set us apart from the rest. What is the point of learning novels and literature about being racist while you are the one that do it ? What is the point in teaching 1 ******* while you are the very place that goes against this ?

2. You are illogical
The things that you do, you do not process it. You do things because it is done from generation to generation and it has always work. YOU have never for once think that what you are doing is so damaging and terrifying to others. You rag and scold the very people that are innocent. What it this ?? You ask us to attend and do things that irrelevant like attending courses that wont bring meaning and force outrageous nonsense on us

3. You are egoistic
The things that should be done. You will never do. You always promote the best for your place. The very justice you want us to uphold , You did not do ! Instead you wanted to cover your name, you shun the very people that look to you for it. You did not stop when you knew it was wrong when you touched one of us.

4. You are lazy and promotes it
The very thing that can be done in a year. You drag and do it. You will sleep and not work. They are do not want to excel when they are given the best ! I am just so frustrated because when you cannot do it, you tell others like be to do it. You drown our motivation and let us lose interest.

5. You inefficient
The things that should be given was never done. The project that should be done 2 years ago ... You started today. The equipment that should be provided is lacking and never found. The books are never found. It is irritating when work cannot be done because we lack books. You such a nuisance. You are just about anything I hate. You are wasting the best people in you.

6. This is for the people I meet- You are cold
You never come and talk to me. You say I am apart of you !! You even say we are a family when I want to do something !! I always end up doing it alone !! HOW COULD YOU!! Whenever I am sad, you just leave me alone !! You never read this so YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW that deep inside I hate YOU. You never cared when I was mad or sad. You did not see the very work I did !! YOU are blind !! Someday I will disappear !! Someday I will not be apart of YOU ! Someday You will lose me !

7. This is for the people I meet- You are stupid
You only want fun fun fun. You are not aware that the very thing in front of you is the fiery den. You will cry and be sad when you can overcome it. You are such low achievers that life has passed you by so much but you waved to it !! YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW because you do not read this. Work to be done tomorrow !! YOU will be start doing it tonight. YOU are always late to class but its OK because who cares because PAPA will send you there. Because no matter what happens PAPA will be there. I hate you !! because everywhere you go you carry a stick. A walking stick like an old man

8. This is for the people that stays above me - There is no reason I JUST HATE YOU
I hate you because you are senseless. You think you are big and want everything. You think you are clever and have done it. THIS VERY night, you have lost my respect and you are just like "" in my eyes. Do you think we are kids that we are deserved to be treated like this !! You smoke an endless puff that I hope one day will be your grave !! I can't believe they trust you to do you job !! I am sick PLEASE

9. YOU are extremist
You want people to change into your re******* . You do your prayers and expect us to follow it ?! What is this ? You says it is forbidden to practice anything here but you are the very person that do it ? What hypocrites !! I am not saying I am not !! I am just so piss of you !! The very thing I hate most is YOU limit OUR people so that you can encourage cross ******* I am hate this !! what is this ?? You promote violence because you are violence. The way you talk you expect me to follow you when you don't respect what we want ?

10. This is for the people I meet on Sundays
You are very people that is suppose to provide me peace. You are the people that suppose to show me love ? But what do you show me ? You show me selfishness !! You show me what is it like to come and be tortured !! I do not even know why I visit you every day !! You are spoilt brads that spend money because you have it. Do you even care if I was missing. NO!! Because you are a place to educate no care !! I should just call you a school ? But why do i need to go to a school on weekends ?

THE ABOVE : This are the things I have about YOU but you know what ! You will never know becaue you just DON'T CARE !! What is best !! If I can just punch you people in the face !! Make sure the very same thing happens to you !!

DESPITE that: Among YOU , I must not fail to say there those that care for me ! There are those who will go by my side no matter what. You are the people that gives me advice, play with me and sing with me. You won't think twice when I am sick !! You are the reason I can still survive being with THEM !!

Girls from my eyes

When a girl cries
People assemble to play a band
A song comfort
with many to stay and share

When a guy cries
People run and hide
As if hell is lose
He stands alone in wilderness

When a girl mad
The world is theirs
They give what they want
In a single wish of their command

When a guy is mad
The world shuns
They ignore his anger
Left to be stilled

When a girl is happy
Friends come and celebrate
The fair begins
All is bright and silver

When a guy is happy
He celebrates himself
With a solace of cake
Song sung himself

When a girl lonely
She calls and they come
Its like receive an award
Everyone wants to be your friend

When a guy is lonely
He is left to die
A rope to hang
His existence was nothing

When a girl is in need
The SWAT comes
Many shields go up
Everyone wants to save the beauty

When a guy is in need
He is push
To the front line where bullets fire
And he a fallen man

When a girl is vulnerable
The police is here
Protection is on the way
Reaffirm words floods the heart

When a men is vulnerable
Lust creeps in
His is looked down upon
And the world convicts him

Though they face their monthly pains
But their life
Stays the longer
Than many do

Though we face no monthly pians
Our days are short
And many hearts
To bear

Girls are considered
to be neat
efficient and hard working
A class above

Guys are considered
to be clumsy
slow and lazy
dogs from below

Girls just follow
They do not need to make tough choices
They do not even work endlessly
But just command others to do

to make the toughest choices
When things go wrong
They are to carry and to be blamed

Broken hearted soul

I am so drained
Like a river become land
I keep following you
That I am losing my self

I am tired
Like a man trap in sand
Sometimes I don't want
But I just cannot say no

I am scared
That I might lose this friendship
Maybe - because I have once lost
Someone I loved so dear

I am broken
Like record with no sound
I am no good
I can never make the mark

I want to cry
But the tears will not come
The pain of lost
And the fear of losing

I am greedy
And stupid
Because I want what I cannot get
Protect what I cannot keep

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

The story of the bracelet and necklace

I was once reminded of a story :
It goes like this- A young girl who was just 8 went to the shop with her daddy. She loved her daddy so much that each time he carried her on her back. She would give her best cheer or simply sing her favourite tune. At the shop, she looked high and low. And look !! Something caught her eye. It was a pearl bracelet. Like all small girls, she wanted the bracelet. She wanted to be pretty like all the other girls. So, she pleaded with her daddy to give her a bracelet. Daddy knowing his little daughter's heart bought the bracelet and gave it to her. She grinned so wide that day, mommy could see all 24 tooths that day. She kept the bracelet in her secret shinny box and stored in her cupboard. She would always visit the bracelet and wears it to all her parties. She even polish every single pearl and hung so tightly to bracelet. And as the days past, daddy was worried about his little girl's condition. He knew that something had to be done.

So, on one Sunday, He asked her for the bracelet so that he could keep it. Frightened by the request, she ran away from her daddy so she could not hear him. Another Sunday, He came by and asked the little girl to give him the bracelet, she ran away again. Another Sunday, He came and the little knowing what the father would asked cried. She said she loved him but she did not want to give the bracelet away. It was so precious to her. She remembered the time she would show it to all her friends. She remembered that when she wore it she felt beautiful. She remembered that when she wore it she was someone. She was never alone with the bracelet, she felt loved and she loved it. As she finished, daddy got up and left. The next Sunday, Daddy came again and as he usually did after his story telling time. He asked her for the bracelet. Reluctantly she took out the bracelet that was wrapped carefully in cloth. She took it and placed in his hands and talked no more. Daddy got up and left.

As time pass, the little grew up. She became intelligent, beautiful and outstanding. She was witty and exciting. She had wisdom and her friends would come to her for health. She was the best. But every year on that Sunday, she would sit quietly and remember that fateful day, Daddy took away her bracelet. She would be sat and always wondered why he took that bracelet away. Now this little girl who is now grown did come from a wealthy family. In fact, her family was one of the poorest in that place. Still, she was happy because she lived happily with her family. On the 17th year of her live, as she did her usual ritual : to sit under the tree and be silent for the day. Daddy came by and sat beside her. She did not reply or respond but sat quietly under that tree. Apart of her was still mad, apart of her was still wishing that Daddy did not take that bracelet away. She felt something coming across her neck. She was frightened but realize it was Daddy's own hand around her. "Now, Look" as he took out the mirror and showed her. She saw a genuine pearl necklace around her neck. She screamed in delight and hugged Daddy.
" You are beautiful even without the bracelet. You see when you were young, the bracelet was your world. You withhold it so close that you did not know how to grow. You stopped believing in yourself and relied on the bracelet. I took it away. The necklace is the sign that you have grown. I took pains to buy you this necklace and knew this would be the right time. You are beautiful with or without bracelet or necklace, but it takes time for you to developed this beauty. It take time for you to trust me. it takes time for you to be wise." But it was a time that was wasted. You did well grow on !!

Monday, October 19, 2009

The ever blues skies

Forget the world
That is full of nothing
Forget the events
That breeds in their heart

Forget the sky that
Once shown in the ends blue
Forget the grass that
was evergreen

Forget the pain
Forget the pieces torn
Forget the time
Forget yourself

Forget the idiotic love
Forget the lousy ever after
Forget the stupid words
Forget that person

Remember the present
Remember God
Remember who you are
Carrying that weird rhythmn
Smile and Walk
I would really love to see that !!

Recipe for the broken hearted : note it might not work for all

Recipe for the broken heart:

A teaspoon of tears - Just the right amount though many tend to add more -according to taste
A table spoon of sugar: any sort of sweet stuff will do - or anything you like
2 grams of complaints and regrets : Find someone who can complaint all you want, even scream
if necessary. Someone who you can hug at the end of the day
(Best with same sex)
3 Kati of wildness: Allow yourself to go wild with some friends over some event that may not
even exist - Just for the fun of it
2 slice of reality: take time off to relax. Don't even think of what happen, just empty your mind
You should do this with a friend. Tell yourself you are better now and move on
Say goodbye softly and never turn back
X cups of God : People tend to forget the most important ingredient. Spent time with God
A time with him is precious. Listen closely. Take as much time as you want. This
is the most crucial part of the recipe.
Mix well and stir hard - always best if you have more hands (good friends to help) Never forget to put in some strawberries- a taste of life and bake for as for the time need - It takes time and it is always apparent that you don't take too long !! THERE you go - something for you to smile and be back !! Don't cry anymore, SUCK it in , LET it all out , BREATH and LOOK to Him and WALK

The Beginning of the End

"The Beginning of the End"- Sounds familiar ?? As I was flipping through some old newspaper in my room in my efforts to look for "SUITABLE" sentences for my LDS assignment, I stumbled upon the famous terminator phrase. If you take a good looks at this phrase. I mean from an English teacher's perspective, the paradox is evident but what does it underline ? Of course the movie obviously has nothing to do with it. Ok you can argue with me that it is the end of humanity. But take a closer look--> Is Humanity an end itself ? Is not the moment a child is born, it is destined to die ? The clock starts the moment the first cry began ? No wonder babies always cry when they come out ? (Most)

Are these news rather saddening and depressing ? I mean we work our lives to the best. We achieve the popularity status or even wealth ? Will it not come to an end ? This thoughts always taunt me some way or another despite my beliefs. A genius once told me ( I mean literal genius once told me ) Its not the results that matters. It is the journey. The moment you set your eyes on the goal, to the moment to achieve it that matters. It not the beginning or the end. Am I making sense ? Think for yourself =D

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Jump fly and go !!

The heart has reasons that reason does not understand. - Jacques Benigne Bossuel

Lady with wings and wand
Why are you crying ?
hiding behind the ban
Join us who are playing

Lady with wings and wand
Why are you crying
You look ugly please let me recant
Dont be like this, we are trying ..

Lady with wings and wand
Why are you crying
You are beautiful in demand
Let go the pain you're bearing

Lady with wings and wand
Why are you crying
Is it peter, your heart he wants
That bloody fool's craving

Lady with wings and wand
Why are you crying
Look the world needs you
It is no use crying

Lady with wings and wand
Why are you crying
Forget peter de runt
n let's start flying

Lady with wings and wand
Why are you crying
Know thy God for warn
His love never dying

Lady with wings and wand
Why are you crying
Wipe your tears and move forward
Don't look back, KEEP trying

Lady with wings and wand
Live your live to the fullest !!
Enjoy every joy and the moment demands
And in sadness to God His arms loving

Lady with wings and wand
Before you start flying
Show that face and the wand
Smiling and never crying

- Peter -

Friday, October 2, 2009

Would you have this dance with me !!

This past few days, seems like a roller coaster ride for me and it has not really been all up lately !! Despite feeling unappreciated and low self esteem. DANCE !! Har ? If you guys watch the play C2C3 put last Wednesday, you will notice one really big elephant hopping on stage !! Gracefully ? You can say a bit !! It was perfect (ahem..) disregarding the minor flaws at the end !!

Why dancing ? "Dancing is an art that really requires the two to be one " - I never understood that though it has pop up in my head a couple of times. When I was dancing, my eyes were looking at my partner's. We could not look down but look at our partners. I recall making mistakes and my partner would say "its ok !" each time. Sometimes we would laugh together !!

Life is like having a waltz with your creator !! You have to look at Him when you move !! You can look else where or you would lose your step ! You must not look down but only trust in the person that is taking the lead. Whenever you make a mistake ! He whispers "Its ok ! Lets try this again, lets try till we get it " Many of us are just so frustrated because it is always us that make the mistake ! We fall or most of the time we forget our steps and spin out of control ! We often forget we have a loving God willing to go through each step - reminding us of each step as we dance ! So my friends if you are like me so low and down! Remember that is someone to pick you up and ever willing to teach the steps to this dance ! We just have to respond to - Would you have this dance with ME ?

Thursday, October 1, 2009


Shouts of Joy !! Cries of satisfaction fills the stage!
A sad state of affair
Behind the curtains sits a fool
A man that is left with nothing
Glory and Fame they carry
He walks alone
He works
He shouts
He tries the best of his
Yet the world does hinder him
Because He is just a sound
An annoying buzz
What was suppose to be his stage
Was taken by an ungreatful idiot
Who did not lay a finger
Spoke when practice went on
That could not care less of the play
But the workaholic that was scolded
The workaholice that loses his friendship
That workaholic that was scorn
That workaholic that despite being tired
Was willing to stay back when actors ask him to
Was willing to run to the back to hear the voice
That despite being so tired and sick
Continued on
That wanted to resolve most of the conflicts of the play
Had the biggest conflict
A conflict that he has suppressed every moment
I know I walk alone
On this lonely road
To be a fool
That you people will never know !!

A perfect flaw

I live in a world of imperfect.
The world where things are incomplete.
The world where I am very much the center of !
The greyness and never succeeding in what I do !
An imperfect friend!
An imperfect servant !
An imperfect lover !
An imperfect director !
An imperfect person !

A perfect flaw
Dying in the world of imperfectness !!
What is the worth of the piece trash !