The unquenching flame

I have an illness. Not the ones that you would find the hospitals or clinics. It is also not the ones that makes you paralyze or blind. My sickness is what you call a fire syndrome.

As the name gives you a clue, this illness is unique. You see, Like fire, when it is lit in the dark, people will go to it, as it provides a sense of warmth, light and protection. But ironically it stands alone, when you get to close to fire or anything it will burn !!

Likewise, I am a person who when you are lost, you can find me. I will provide comfort, warmth , protection and hope. But once you get to close to me or rather when I try to get close to you, You will be hurt and run away. You cannot get close to me. It is not I want to burn you or seclude myself !! It happens if I get too close to anyone, I will burn them and they will run away from me.

I don't what is wrong with me ... I stand but always alone.... I cannot stand it anymore...People coming closer and then when they get too close... I will end up hurting people and being alone... I am just tired !! I am not sure how far I will stand !

Moments to ponder

My life as I viewed it so far has not been organized(Singular noun + singular verb- SVA haha wanna know more ask me or my classmates). In other words, Messy!!

Beginning this week, I entered a badminton tournament. How did it go ? This was a common question I got? Well.. ( I would say) ... Actually (they say it is a Malaysian word originally but..) It did not go that well :) There you go a standard defeat answer. My partner and I lost terribly in straight sets of 11-8 and 11- 7 I think ! and the latter game was worst. But what surprise me was I was angry that we lost the first match and not the second. One of the main factors of my defeat was 1. I did not put it my all 2. I did not trust my partner 3. I had my prejudices against my partner
By the end of the game I was miserable !!

The next day (Tuesday), I went to watch the woman 's team. I was also there to support my friends who were taking part in it. They did fine even though they lost to a tough opponent. I would say congrats , job well done !!

Wednesday, It was the audition day!! But before that, I went to HEP for a meeting. YES, freedom at last. I was officially fired as an MPP and YES I am so glad it ended this way. Now! I am a free man with no work load and YES no boring meetings and I can SKIP assembly !!! Too good to be true !! Now to the audition. Well not much to say about it... As many of our mates liked the idea of a romantic scene ... and the favorite line I would quote would be ...In such a time as this ... My ears are dropping !! .. Maybe one day I will recite such a poem to my lover !!

Pushing all that aside... I feel that I am losing my friends. I know this would occur someday. I am like a cursed friend. Every time I try to know someone better, my friends will act cold towards me. Maybe I am being too sensitive and emotional ! Would anyone point out my mistakes ? or is it just a curse ? Another recuring thought is the fact I am getting super lazy.. no motivation and drive. The environment discourages me from studying. Oh boy !! Where am I now ? I need to spend time in quietness .... Realign myself once again .. Get my piriorities back !! But how ? God please help me !

Let us watch the sky

My friend,
I see you are apart
A crystal
Falling to the ground

Raindrops
On my windows
Cloud
filled the sky

Friends
to meet in a day
Loneliness
let it run away

Time
needs to mend to broken
Rest
Till time has its work

Though we walked separate roads
This path we cross
Till it diverges
Lets walk together

Open your eyes
O sleepy wan
See that
There friends around u

That the world is not
As dark as you see
We are hear
Now wake up

Wilderness

Today, I learnt something important, I learn that life on earth is never perfect. Why am I stating the obvious ? Because I feel that things will never occur the way you want in life. You predict that certain will turn out like this but it will be. Some call this the ironies of life. I call this a lesson to learn.

In my life, I always wish for the acceptance of people I like. I wish that things will turn out fine and I will have a great time. But in reality, things don't always go my way. The very people I wish to accepted and have a good fellowship never turned out. Rather, I gain friends that up to today I still cannot master the skill of appreciating them. Life is on earth is never perfect and constant. We can only trust in the existence of God that is constant.

Some hope for friendship
But found enemies
Some hope for a better future
But found hardships

Some find fame and glory
but found pain and agony
Some fine riches and happiness
but found loneliness

Some find love in romance
but found pain and rejection
Some find a partner to talk to
but found a wall that reflects

Some find and never get
Some find but never found
Some find but found
That the thing they need was
GOD

One inch more

I played badminton today. It is probably due to the futsal competition, my partner usher did not followed me to the badminton competition. Anyway, I went by myself to the badminton chord to find there were only a few players at the chord. Within a few minutes I was up, I went in partnering with someone who can be considered one of the better players there. With this in mind, I was confident I was going to win. But you know what ? I lost due to carelessness on both parties. We lost 21-20. We should have won. Next match, again I lost partnering another uncle 21- 18 and Last was with Dr. L and He was a good player. Being around him and his partner always posts an impression that I have to perform my best so that I wont let him down. I tried my best but THOSE STUPID mistakes met me !! We lost 21 -13.

Thinking of the badminton game today led me to think of my life thus far. I think of the decisions I have made so far, the decision to chose a career path that only two in my blinking good school would even consider. The decision of let go of something so so important to me. Stupid decisions like speaking at the wrong time, tone to another. The decision to avoid someone or speak something stupid. The decision to say yes to some place in the student council due to friendship . The decision to study when others would play. The decision to do idiotic things which I know I would immediately regret as soon as it is done.

My point after rattling like an old grandmother is What if the decisions I made were terrible ones. What if I am not suppose to here. What if I could be someone else being with someone else. What if I missed my mark by just an inch. What if I messed up my this one life on planet earth.
I somehow feel at a lost with what I am now !! Many a times I know I stand alone. I know I am an outspoken person and yes I have many weakness that people hate. People will usually walk away. My moral once asked our group that is there someone in your class that nobody likes and always left out without groups. I feel I am the one person. AM I at the wrong place ??? AM I miserable because of my stupidity ??? Do I want the sympathy of others ? I am at a lost again !!

Valentines

Singles who celebrate valentines !!

On the another note, white roses !! .. Just a random word from my friend while thinking of Valentines . Watched House, it is about death, Not worth the money if you ask me but that's just me

Letters from ...

I pray that...
You will not let the haze the cloud you
Not to look floods to surround you

I pray that...
That no amount of bitterness will cover
That the skies are not within reach

I pray that...
Shades of memories don't fill the picture
That regret is not all there is

I pray that...
Pain and depression don't overcome you
that you will the light is brighter than ever

I pray that
God will reach out His hand
And Stick together those broken pieces

I pray that
You will rely on Him solely
To build your live once more on Him

I pray that
You will stay steadily in his arms
Only He make mend !

As for me
I hope that you will get better !
And if cloud descends
And I am seen no more
I wish you well

Let the pass deal with itself
Get up and look forward
We cannot change what happened
But the future

Love triangle vs triangle of love

I believe romantic love is a triangle. Whether it is a triangle of love ? or a love triangle ? It is still a triangle.

A love triangle is when you have 3 people where one love another and another love someone else.

Whereas a triangle of love is different. And if both of you love yourselves and another it will be a parallel line. The triangle of love is when the vertex is God. The lover A starts from point A ( gender) moves in a direction towards God. Similarly Lover B starts from point B and moves towards the vertex God. In this triangle, it is said that when you move towards loving God. And we start to love God more and more. We will be able to meet our lover. This relationship can grow and is built on God not on one other. Why is this important? Because humanity is a failure. We given the opportunity will mess up the relationship with one other.

I am still learning this concept and hope to apply this in my life. If you trust me .. Try this method ... And see if it works !

Random pictures

Stichy .. he is my good companion even though i dont meet him often

Light in the dark!!

Sometimes live need a walk of faith

From national geography- The eyes tells a million words!!

Honk the hon goes !!

Guess what it was hon's birthday!! Hon and I celebrated his birthday yesterday! Since my blog is full of words. I will the pictures do more of the talking. :

It all started with a movie. The Wedding game !! A nice show to watch if you watch many hollywood news !!
The donut met the coffeeIt was at J CO but the donut met my stomach !! haha

DONUTS !!!
A final finish with Makan at the sushi place..
GLORIOUS food
\
Who says hon don't eat fish !! Its a lie and conspiracy!!

I fell down !!

It was a beautiful scene. The man was walking stylishly. He was high spirited apparently out of no concrete reason. There was an air in his walk somehow. He confident walk pass the small pebble, skip pass a dirty plastic bag, the paper that flew, there was nothing that could stop him. But, there was one last obstacle. It was the bar with the lines. He smile to himself and looked and the guard, he was sure he will skip past this stage with ease. So like natural professional he quicken his pace, moving the left and to the right and jumps. The guard beside him saw in awe. And all of a sudden, BAM!!! He was on face down on the ground. The guard made no eye contact fearing of further embarrassment. I was hurt !!


In many a time in my life i fall and get hurt. But most of the time it is not I that is hurt only. Like the story above, it only involves a person but when things gets complicated others are involve in it. And in relationships the hurt might be deeper!! I myself am guilty of such a work! I as a writer would like to apologize for the people that I have hurt by my stupid and selfish acts, conceited ways and yes indecisiveness. I am not a man of great integrity and honor. I am a fool who is just finding my way around. I often knock into people and most of the time. I will end up alone and discriminated by the ones I try to love.

But feeling down and staying down is not going to solve any of my problems and nobody would want to help me. So, I will just have to stand up on my own 2 feet, put on a thick smiling face and walk forward. Even though my hand still hurt and other parts 2 - it will serve as a reminder to be more careful and aware of how much pain my stupidity can cause myself and others that I care about.

With that I would like to say sorry for those I have cause such a pain. Please bear with me !!

illnesses and remedies

Thought i post something today. Relax it wont be a poem.

I turn on my radio this morning after 2 weeks of "rest", I thought it would be just fine but the sound that came out was musty if you can smell. The thing about posting so early something this early in the morning is probably because there somethings hidden within me that I need to express. You may see some similarities in my experience and may want to learn something from it. Your welcome. With this said,

I have experienced a broken heart, a delusion , a confusion and a break down all happening at the same moment.

About a broken heart: It is the sudden sharp pain across the chest and it leaves many in despair, and the worst part of it is the letting go of that person that you hold so close. Sometimes the betrayal is so bad and heartfelt, sometimes it is just miscommunication and sometimes it is to prevent mistrust and hurt that will occur in the future. Whatever the reason, it reaps us apart and constantly thinking about that person is painful. I m not specialist but - let go you must ! Heal you must ! Forgive you must! Recover you must!

About the delusion : The constant thought of the existance of something that one is very obsessed about. Some are obsessed about toys, games, fantasy , love ones and yes LOVE or I should put it the feeling of being wanted and consider important by someone close to you. The adrenaline of the heart race when one provides and protects. Delusion can cause one to fall from a higher cliff than one would know. To conquer it you should put reality in mind and departing from your obsession. It can be done.

About confusion: I once was struck with a confusion that distraughtthe fundamental values of my life. My religion that I hold dearly to was challenged and put to the test. Like a difficult math question, confusion could be solve by getting better insights and knowledge about the matter. Maybe we didnt look closely at the matter before we made the judgement ? Much consideration is to be made. Not giving up will be the key to this success

Why am I stating all these ? Do I know all the answers ? I'm just another living human being like you, trying to figure out life. My answers are not all correct, it rather my opinion on how to conquer the matter. I m not saying it will work or it will be easy, but it may work out for you!!