A message to you

If only you could read this, I really wish you could.

Dear friend,
You are going down a path
A path which brings pain
Pain to you and others
Others that love you

You are trying to get attention
Attention that you always got,
Gotten despite you realizing it
It was there beside all along

Along with the love and recognition
Recognition that you thought
You thought you lost
Your lost is found here

Here in this humble heart
Heart that is longing
Longing for your return
Your return that would joyous

Joy and celebration
Celebration when you are found
Found and belong

If only you could hear
Hear my warnings
Warnings and signs
Signs to run and flee
Flee from this path
This path of destruction
Destruction that meets you

If only you could hear

Hope

Have you ever had those times when you know that someone is going to the wrong direction and there is nothing you can do about it ?
Have you ever felt so helpless waiting at home while others go out and fight ?
Have you ever been in a situation where you could do more to help or console someone?
Have you ever thought that if you could just make that final bit things would turn out alright ?

Image from google

Oscar Wilde once said: "What seems to be bitter trials are often blessing in disguise". I guess what Oscar is trying to impress on us is that if we do not give up or surrender in these situations, perhaps there is oft a silver lining hidden in the clouds and stars in the dark sky. What makes great men and women is the ability to cling on to the tiniest bit of hope and work towards it. I can't seem to find the right words to say if you ever encountered such a disaster or despair in your life but perhaps words from Heinrich Emil Brunner could someone give you some comfort - What oxygen it to lungs, such is hope to the meaning of life

You

God,

When the sky is too big for me
When it cover my head
When the dark cloud surround me
And its a dead end ahead
You are bigger

When I try to walk from one end to another
And It seems like forever
When I run and never stop
When I have traveled the earth
You are love is wider

When the darkness seems like an eternity
And the brightest light grew dim
When the world is to end
And we cant see the future
You my silver lining

What in the world are you ?

You don't feel anything
You don't react to anything
And after dismissing your friend
You just carry on with your daily life
I just don't understand what are you ?

You go out with friends of the opposite sex alone
You spent lots of time with ... going on your mini projects
You grow closer as you share your thoughts
And all you expect was to be friends ?
I just can't understand what are you ?

You don't react when you are talked to
You don't heed the warnings that I gave you
You don't see the distress that you have caused
You are normal ... Like a FREAKING robot but you are not
WHAT ARE YOU ????

You want people to care for you
But when they need you, you smile as they burnt in pain
Silently telling others that " he just a piece of trash " that dropped
You laugh and sing like nothing has happened ...
I hate I hate I REALLY HATE
BECAUSE DEEP DOWN
I KNOW YOU ARE NEITHER HUMAN NOR ROBOT
because robots are smart
and human have hearts
So my the question that I have longed to hear ... the one thing I seriously want to know ... that it would literallllllllllllly kill me to know
WHAT IN THE FREAKING WORLD ARE YOU !!!!!!!!!!!

The real thing

Dearest Mrs Chiam,
I would like to express my deepest apologies for being such an idiot recently. I know you going to make me pay by doing more house chores and you are going to nag and remind me in the future because what I have done. I am quite thankful for the good friends of mine that stopped me from making a big mistake. You see, I nearly ended up having a relationship with these two girls which I am not supposed to be in. Well, I nearly mess up their lives and mine too. Thanks to God for pulled me out and these friends who by His grace convinced me.

Dearest

I am looking forward to the day of meeting you. The affection and attraction will be intense =) But importantly, the love we share for one another and Him. I hope you are preparing yourself because I am going to work hard. I want to prepare myself for you. To be your bridegroom and husband. I want to experience this real love no matter how ugly it may seem. I wish to look into your eyes and not wanting to look away. I wish to touch your hair and stroke it while looking at you sleep. I wish to cuddle you and support you in prayer. I wish to care for you.
Though it may looked unreal now. I pray your persevere. Because, I pray the day we meet, the day He will blessed us. With love and care =)

Your lover

Him

We are but flowers
Now here and tomorrow gone
Yet Your love shower
On us that is considered none

You captivate me
Your beauty is beyond description
Your heart as huge as the sea
Your affection knows no portion

"Oh God,
rid me of this dirty linen
that has covered my soul
Tainted me
Driven me apart for eternity
Pull me back to You
I pray
For I am not far from you
and I cant swim no more "

He is forever faithful
Glory be to highest
For His grace for this fool
Praise be to him the mightiest

Can I sleep in your lap

Can I sleep on your lap
And fears will go away

Can I sleep on your lap
And forget my doubt so gray

Can I sleep on your lap
And just to think of you today

Can I sleep on your lap
And stay on it till the end of day

Can I sleep on your lap
Can I ?

The story of hot water

O hot water
Every time you touch my body
I am enticed
You cleansed me from top to toe
Just being with you I could go one forever

O hot water
The days you left are cold
Without your warm cold is my foe
How I miss you
your refreshing spring
That braves me from the shiver

O hot water
Tho I called you never came
I was lonely and hungry
my froze like snow
and iceland I know live

O hot water
now that you have come
I thank Thee so

Its been two months since I arrived at this place. I felt that I have done nothing, accomplish nothing and essentially hit the breaks when my dreams are concern. My spelling has dropped terribly because I have evidently stopped reading. I still have the brains to analyze things but I seldom do that. Actualization - Its a term coined by Carl Rogers. Its the tendency for growth and fulfillment. In other words, He puts it as if the condition is favourable, we will attempt to develop our potentialities to their maximum.

But I have met with a road block. And that road is blocking me and my Creator. Its called sin. Why is this relevant at all ? Well, this is might sound crazy but I think I can only assert by full potential when I am in a relationship with my creator. I don't dwell in my sins and remorse and guilt. BUT actively move forward. Does this make sense ? Well simply put, I can only move forward with Him looking out for me.

Do I sound absurd ? Well I guess partly is when you realize something important has passed you by. You feel remorse and regret. Well, I don't want to let things by. I want to focus !!

Redemption

I can never escape from your Spirit!
I can never get away from your presence
If I go up to heaven, you are there
If I go down to the grave you are there
If I ride the wings of the morning
If I dwell by the farthest ocean

even there your hand will guide me
and your strength will support me

I could ask darkness to hide me
and the light around me to become night
but even in darkness I cannot hide from you
To you the night shines as bright as day
Darkness and light are the same to you

Psalm 139: 7-12

My God you are too great for me to even comprehend
Only fools doubt you
and yet
we are the very fools that want your love
We are the very fools that go against you
We are the very fools that want glory and darkness
We are the very fools who defy you and run away from you
We are the very fools who threaten you

YET

You love us still the same
You will seek us where we go
You are waiting for us to find you

Prayer

I am sad and down
I don't know what ailments have beseech me
It colours my body in red and white dots
My skin feels like jumping
Wanting desperately for attention
My body has been strapped to a load of iron
My eyes grow weary

My soul wails of an emptiness
My minds cries out in agony
Trapped in confusion and pain
Cornered by the very people who wants to aid me
Ignored by those who love me

How can I escape this treachery
How can I be in a land of freedom and cheerfulness
Oh Lord Redeem me from this depths
Hold my hand and pull me up
I believe in your miracle
I believe in you
Let me not be fed to wolves
Or eaten by maggots
nor burn in this flame

Be my sanctuary and my refuge
Amen

Dance

Would you dance with me
Step by step
I will bring you to a whole new world

Let me listen to your heart
Beat by beat
I want to know you

Let me lead you
waltz by waltz
We explore new adventures

Let me disappear
little by little
because two is better than one

Let the music play
day by day
till our souls fade away
in this dance we sway

Shattered glasses

All you see is that me
The perfect me
The marvelous me
The outstanding me
The confident me
The bold me
The intelligent me
The "I can overcome all things" me
The thoughtful me
The controlled me

But in the secret depths
There is
The insecure me
The afraid me
The depressed me
The shy me
The indifferent me
The " I don't know" me
The crying me

All you see
the rotten me
the irresponsible me
the useless me
the stupid me
the good for nothing me
the dangerous me
the playful me

but in secret
there is
the "in pain" me
the scared me
the insecure me
the empty me
the lost me
the innocent me
the loving and caring me
the " I can be greater " me

Dear teacher, friend, mom, dad
If only you could see me
For this is me
ALL OF ME

Little Bellarina

Little ballerina dance
Dance, dance and dance
With the sound of music
You float in the air enthusiastically
Close your eyes and dance majestically

The world scorns and hate you
They look down on you
They will beat you
They make you cry

But little ballerina dance
Because when you dance
With the sound of music
They are no more
Close your eyes and dance
Dance , dance and dance

Inspired by Life before bella

Its connected somehow

Have you felt that things are all linked up ? For example : The reason why you are scared of spiders is because you were beaten by one before. Or You are capable of cooking a delicious meal because maybe you just love good food. Medley once said that we tend to build a personal construct of life and learn from experience. What am I getting at ?

I think what I am trying to say is that our sins might be link to our inefficiency in life. Think about it! The reason why people that murder, drink and lust often live in a life of inferiority. Some of them will try to exert superiority to overcome the fear like threatening another victim. Or just become passive and unable to express him or herself.

Do you agree with me ?

Losing control

Image by Google

Have you felt like that ? Have you felt that you are starting to lose control of yourself ? Maybe its a part of your body that seizes to function? Maybe its your legs that won't move anymore? Or its your body that won't function ? And you feel helpless ? You feel you are losing yourself ? You ask yourself "who am I ?" "Why can't I do this anymore ?!! " Why are they doing it ? Why aren't they "cursed" as I ? You feel frustration well up within you. I felt this today. Though I am still physically fit, I feel that somehow I am emotionally and socially losing control of myself. That I want to take control of this being and tell it what to do ... But I can't ... At times like these ... Let Go ...And Let Him take control ... He is good and faithful. He will rescue ! Rest assured !!

Sayonara !!

I once dream that I was sleeping just beside you in the field filled with sunflowers under that old tree. I once dream of the time we spent in the shop. I once dream of the time where we would spend talking about life. I once dream that you were that big part of life. - and when I wake up, you were gone.

I walk pass the streets, and I reminded. I am reminded that you are no longer there. I am reminded of who I am. I am reminded of what i have transformed into. I am reminded of the failure and pain. I am reminded that I have no right to walk that path anymore because who i became.

I have a vision where i stabbed someone in heart like i did before. I had a vision where I caused pain and hurt to my love ones. I had a vision of a father failure that could not be an example to his kids. I had a vision of a teacher failure who could not impact his kids. I had vision of a wasted life spent alone and in solitude.


I closed my eyes. I hear my heartbeat and listen my soul. This is not who i am or ever want to be ! I want to be a better man ! A man that you can be proud of !! For that I have to let go the past, live in the present and hope for the future with Him in sight. I am sorry that we could not enjoy this sunset together because I am waking to a new dawn and a path of my own. Sayonara !

A fresh start

I am creating a new look for my block
Its a picture of the blue sky
Hopefully pushing away some of the dark clouds
Let me share my thoughts and feel free to comment !

It is a kind of sadness I cannot describe
A kind of pain worse being stabbed in a knife
A notion that makes me want to cry
The bear feeling of rejection in pain

I do not know why you forsake me
Because Like you I am also alone
You say you do not have friends
Look at me, Do I ?
You say you do not have people that understands you
Look at ME , HAVE I ?

You search for that someone to care for you, to distract you
Look at Me, AIN'T I LOOKING ??
You say you have physical problems
Look at Me , Don't I ?
You say you have mental problems
Look at Me, do you know me ??

You say you have pain and suffering
LOOK AT ME, WHAT AM I GOING THRU ?????
You say you are alone and needs someone's company
Look at ME, AIN'T I ???
You say you cannot mix well with others and you prefer to be alone
Look at Me, DO you think I mix well ?? DO you think I don't feel like being alone sometimes ???
You say you are depressed
Look at Me, ain't I ??

TAKE A CLOSER LOOK AT THE PERSON NEXT TO YOU!!!!!
AM I SO MUCH DIFFERENT FROM YOU !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DO YOU THINK YOU ARE THE ONLY FREAKING PERSON THAT IS SO LONELY ALIVE ?????
HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDER HOW I FEEL ??? WHEN YOU DO THINGS SO WELL AND I DON'T ??
HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDER THAT WHEN YOU SHOW GREAT TALENT, I CAN ONLY SIT AND MARVEL !!!!
HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDER THAT I HAVE PROBLEMS TOOO ?????
HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDER MY FEELINGS WHENEVER YOU HAVE A BF ?????
HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDER MY FEELINGS THAT YOU GET TO GO HOME EVER BLINKING WEEKEND AND I DON'T????


THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ME AND YOU
IS THAT I TRY !!
I DON'T JUST CLING TO ANY BLINKING PERSON I SEE
I DON'T JUST WANT INTIMACY WITHOUT RESPONSIBILITY
I DON'T JUST SIT DOWN AND CRY
I DON'T JUST WANT TO COMMIT SUICIDE
I TRY

I TRY MY FREAKING BEST IN THIS GOD FORSAKEN PLACE
SO FOR GOODNESS SAKE
WAKE UP !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But I guess you will never know, won't you of what I have said
Because you freaking blind to see me other than yourself
Because you freaking death to hear me other than the sweet words that they tell you
Because you freaking numb to feel for others other than their dirty fingers on you
wake up .... I am sick and tired .... I won't be and WILL NOT be classified under those guys that left you !!! Because when I was there you were occupied with yourself ... When you did not need me ... you left .... And now when I leave .... I will not be under that category ... If I catch you saying that I will slap you !!

Love is bette sweet

Love is like pandora box, once open could either bring you great power or destroy your soul.
Love is warm, describable feeling that overwhelms a soul
Love is like a thousand needles within the heart, striking it causing it to burst, until you stop it will go away
Love is like a whip cream on a chocolate ice-cream
Love is a like a lost treasure, once you find it, you keep it, because it will disappear if you don't
Love is like the sky painted according to evening scenery - beautiful -
Love is like a poisonous drug, once you stop you get cold turkey
Love is a flood but does not destroys, instead it covers and make a new
Love is like a heavy stone suppressing you when you drown

- guess i must fret no more, what's the use ?-

My passion

My passion, the thing that I want to do before I die. Is is to inspire people to make a difference with their lives. I would like to lit a fire within them for a change. A lasting change that comes from them, a heart that would not turn away from challenges, pain, their weaknesses. I want to them to see the end goal before they go. I want people to say that was not just an awesome speech or piece of work, but I want to do something like he said or I know what I want now. This is my desire in life.

Road Junctions

I stood at that junction
Between the left and right
Filled with confusion
Hoping to chose the correct

I stood at that junction
Between love and hate
Lost in thoughtful sensation
Clearing my mind in state

I stood at that junction
between work and play
Just to fill a satisfaction
Thinking of the fate of that day

I stood at that junction
Between loses and fights
Tired of the compassion
Wanting to make a difference between lights

I stood at that junction
between friendship and lovers
Not know which to motion
Fearing what uncovers

****
I stood at that those junctions
Not knowing what would happen
Where right seems better than left
And
Hate was better that love
Play was better than love
Loses are better than fights
Lovers are better than friends

But what the heck
We don't always get what we want
And we should do the things
that matters
So
I am taking the other
The long and deserted road
Hoping some day
You will understand my decision

Because you called

Dear Father

I am scared

The next step

Seems like a dark hole

My inabilities

My weakness

My pain

My shame

They overwhelm me

I tremble

I fear

I want to run

I want to hide

The strong winds blow

The tide ready to pounce

The storm laughs

The sand traps

Will You walk with me ?

***

Because you called

I will walk with you

Because you called

I will save you

Because you called

you will walk on water

Because you called

I shall be with you

Its a lie

Those words:
I love you,
I will never hurt you
I will love your forever

Its a lie ...
Don't believe it
When you hear it
Just walk away

Responsibility

One day I was walking down with my good friend and as we were talking. She told me that when she was young she wished she was someone else. That this was not her and maybe some other person can take her place and she would watch. Today, I really felt that I did not want to be myself. I wanted to give up being me. Because being me sucks and the problems that are there are too much. I wished I was another man with a brighter future and another kind of life. I wish this was just a temporary outpost that I could hang out and go back being another kind of life. Won't that be interesting ?

* I guess one of the reason God does not give us so many lives or perfect ones is for one we will mess up both lives because we are so capable of doing that. And another reason is that we would never have asked Him for help if we could have a perfect live. This live is ours. Whether we suck at making it work or just having those problems overwhelm you. This is your choice and your life so make the best out of it

Epiphany

I got a feeling early this morning
How early .. I think it would about 1 .55
What feeling ?
The strangest and craziest dream
I dreamed that there was this great teacher having his lessons
And I wanted to Him
He turned around from His blackboard
And stared at me
Do you want me like me ?
Point to his nose
Read !! Know the world
Know History, Society, Art and Culture
Know War and any knowledge you can find
Student do not want to read text books
They want to read YOU
So wake up
Pick up a book and read
I asked :
What about the other part of life ?
He said
live yours HIS way
Many interesting stories you will live experiences you will learnt !

I woke up feeling something has struck a deep cord in my heart
I am up to the challenge and I will take it !

my little blue Umbrella

i was swept with the great wind
nearly blown off my feet
i was vulnerable

i was wash by the down pour
together with wind
came rushin' to me

the thunder
as if screaming threats
to my little ears

i standing there
with my little blue umbrella
marveled at such a great sight

You are my umbrella
inspite the storms
and winds
You keep me dry
You shade me from the rain
and cover my eyes at the thunders might

though the waters touch my toes and legs
You have kept
most of me dry
You are refuge
by my side
my little blue Umbrella

Running world

We have all changed
From the innocent us
To the who we are right now
We might even change more
who knows ?
The world is ever changing
But the things we hold on to must stay
I mean
Our values, principles and belief
After all
If even we lost those
Can we consider that us anymore ?

Steps of faith

Have you felt like a failure ?

Have you felt like no matter how hard you try

You just cant get ?

Have you felt like every thing you still

Lacks that something ?

Have you felt like you were somehow

Insignificant ?

Have you felt like you are in the crowd but

Alone ?

Have you felt like a total

idiot because you did that ?

Have you felt like you have become a

Monster ?

Do you wish you could go back to

Yesterday?

Have found yourself in a stand still ?

I DARE YOU
DARE YOU TO MOVE
TAKE STEP OF FAITH
BELIEVE IN TOMORROW
because
HIS MERCIES ARE NEW EVERY MORNING
NEW EVERY MORNING
GREAT IS HIS FAITHFULNESS !!
HE DOES FORSAKES OR LEAVES
HE WILL COMPLETE YOU
AND CHANGE YOU
BELIEVE

Walk

Being cooped in the little room in my small dormitory, being inflicted a very joy killing disease that allows me to rush to the toilet ranging from 15 to 90 intervals. Being in the agony and trapped at the same time was a sensation I would like to escape. During this two days, I could not do a single apart from sleeping and "communicate" with my computer. Well, this songs summarizes what I feel.

Do you remember when
You were way back then
You held the world inside your hands
When you told me love
Was the strongest stuff
Your strength was innocence

But, oh man
The signs of the time are omens
You're starting the day in
No man's land again

Who are you gonna be?
When you're on your knees, who do you believe?
Fear is lonely man
You've been given innocence
You've been given innocence again

You should know by now
That the darkest hour
Is when your broken heart goes down
It's a bitter end
When the sweet begins
Grace is sufficiency

But, oh dear we'll never deserve it
No dear, we never could earn it
Now, here the choice is yours

Grace is high and low
We'll never be the same

-Switchfoot-


A great song

We were meant to live for so much more

Fumbling his confidence
And wond�ring why the world has passed him by
Hoping that he�s meant for more than arguments
And failed attempts to fly, fly

We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside
Somewhere we live inside
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside

Dreaming about providence
And whether mice or men have second tries
Maybe we�ve been livin with our eyes half open
Maybe we�re bent and broken, broken

We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside
Somewhere we live inside
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside

We want more than this world�s got to offer
We want more than this world�s got to offer
We want more than the wars of our fathers
And everything inside screams for second life

We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
We were meant to live
We were meant to live

-Switchfoot-

Run in'

Have ever wish the world was a stand still ?
That at that exact moment
The world's spot light
Will just shine of you

Have ever wish the sky would break open
a great light would lit
and you will of course
The person starring the great show

Have ever wish films would show
The life of your great journey
to the hungry eyes
of the media today

Have ever wish that the very life
you have
does not fade away
in the flow of time ?

Have ever wish the circular motion
of routines
Do not drown
the very freedom that you strive to have

Then my friends
wish no further
Find the meaning of your life
Make every second count
Even it was to "waste" it
To the very people you dread
Even it was to "lepak"
with the very people you want to run
Do it
Because it is when you stand up
we are seen

Listen if you have ears
See if you have eyes
Understand if you pay close attention

I cannot run this rat race
where you the goal are never reachable

I cannot keep being there
when you detest me

I cannot sing
when you are close yours ears

I am tired

My Prayer to You

My Prayer this day
is
That I can be this someone
that loves You

My Prayer this day
is
That I can be this someone
that do Your will

My Prayer this day
is
That I can be this someone
that You love

My Prayer this day
is
That I can be this someone
that worships You

God
My Prayer and one request is
not to let this heart
depart from You

God

I am working very hard
Trying my best in effort
To calm the raging seas
To make this time comfortable

But
The choice came
between you and God
God comes first in my life
That I will not go back

I live by it

So
If you distant yourself from me
If you use me and throw me
If you hate me
If you reject and forsake me

I am willing to take that risk
with this broken heart
that My God comes first

In Him

I believe that you in control
When I am losing my mine
I believe you love me
When I am in my sins and ill ways

I believe you the Fixer
When my heart is broken
I believe you make all things beautiful
When Your time comes

I believe you the wicked
When they transgressed against You
I believe you stood still
When you were angry with jealousy over me

Therefore,
I want to be more like you
Believing that as You did such great acts
I too can be patient and follow You
To be more of you in my life
Give me strength

I am such an idiot

What do you want with me ?
Everytime I get near someone
You will find some way
for that person to hurt me
They seem to have others better than me

Why do you let me live in agony ?
If you do not want me to get near anyone
Just isolate me and kill me
Why do you test me ?

You know I am not good with people
Yet you throw me in situations
Where I cannot run
And I do not know to respond
This
Will lead other disappointments in others

Ain't I your son ?
Why do you stop me when I try so hard
To get your people to gather
Just for a meeting ?

I am tired
but each time I run
You sentence a guilt
A string tied around my neck
Where can I run ?
Even if I run
Its death that awaits me
Where have you created me ?
Bless me and take it away
I cannot do this
I need You

Worlds apart

The alarm hit 5.30 ! My heart and head groans to greet the painful morning. The event was really remarkable- that is the fact that I am awake such early in the morning. Though my intentions were not to pray like most of my friends today is special because I am going to school.
School is the place I grew up, a place where I thought most of the evil things of this world will come to harm. As a teacher now ( going to be), I see things from a different perspective when my footsteps hit the school compound. I no longer see a sea of friends and classmates but rather students that look alike. I no longer see teachers whom I respect but colleagues that work in the same profession. I no longer see the canteen as a place to hang out but only a place to eat. I see the classroom not like a home but job. I no longer see the system as ignorance but a pain in the neck. I see a different world

We are capable of so much more !

Thomas Malthus predicted the end of the human race with severe famine as we could not control or feed the growing population that seems to take us. To the many of them that time, they find themselves in a struggle to grasp the fact that human survival was ever possible. But as time proves Malthus wrong in his theory of food crisis, one of the critics actually stated " Malthus undermined and belittle the potential of human being in creating new technology for preservation.

We are capable of so much more. If you have looked at the olden age of things we would have realized that what we have accomplished are just beyond words. But as much as we have accomplish, many of the modern critics are suggesting that we are losing the very essence of things. What do I mean by that ? What I am trying to convey is that if we get too caught up with improving ourselves, discovering new technologies and forget the very reason we do things - We are in serious trouble.

One of my "look up" person through out the years Jason Fong once said this.

If we are sing with the loudest voice
and without God
We are just participating a concert

If have the best worship leaders and musician on stage
and without God
We are just a band

If we have the best leaders
and without GOd
We are just CEOs of a great company

If we have great speakers that speak truths
and without God
We are just motivation talk speakers and comedians

If we praise and dance
without God
We are just enjoying ourselves

If we spread the gospel
without God
We are just mere asking others to join a club

If we missed out the original reason why we do things, we will contradict ourselves. NO matter what happens, we must not forget who we are and the reason of why we do such things.

To You

Dear God,
Forgive me for holding on to things that are not real
Forgive me when I want to run away
Forgive me when I doubt with all my heart
Forgive me when I drift so far

I know I'm so scared to move forward
I cling so tightly to those memories and pain
Hoping that somehow reality will bend and these were not true
That one day I will wake up and all this will be a nightmare

But
You are true
You are real
The pain is real
The reality is real

They have gone
And once again
I have not learnt this lesson well
That no one matters but You
I need You ... I need You
To Change this broken heart of mine
Into a heart acceptable to You

Relationships

They are the most complicated bonds in the world. Let covalent, ionic and other scientific bow down to these bonds because some of them are too messy to even see. Relationships, I was told that it was like building a bridge. It starts with a mutual understanding of the common goal whether it is friendship, lovers, servant and master, family or pet. It starts by one person laying a brick and the other will do so. This process will continue until a period of time. Until both sides meet and the bridge is formed and the bond is strong. Not that the bridge wont collapse. But it will remain stronger. Now, when one side decides to build and the other stops. The relationship is strained and the level of commitment is not there. Therefore, this kind of relationships is labeled as TIRING. Problems also arise when one side discovers that the bridge they are building is not the bridge that they wanted. Worst case would be when both side build the bridge and because arguments and conflicts start to destroy their own bridge thus causing more damage. -

I AM not here to bore you about bridges. I am just here tell you that sometimes bridges have to be burnt in order to build new ones. That building a new one is not easy and sometimes that bridge will remain unbuild. Sometimes you build one side and your partner seems to have other ideas . It would be best just to burn that bridge and start when ever both sides are ready. Pain and hurt can consume you if you let them to stir deep within you. Bitterness and regrets will destroy your being. Sometimes being in pain is much easier than standing up again. I did not really understand until now. To tell yourself you must be happy and not sad anymore. To tell yourself that they are happy now so why should you be all worked up and emo ? To tell yourself that its time to take that step of yours. To tell yourself its time to burn bridges and let go of that pain and move one because things will not go back to the way it was. JuST 4- GET - IT

Little butterflies
You fly
Dancing in the sky
Where beauty lies

I could see you all day
Stare at you as I lay
Dream of you in fray
Beauty no words can say

Such beauty that captures
Such intellect that intriguers
Such passion that shivers
Such manner that stature

The Sun greets you
Bees respect you
Insects marvel you
Flowers welcome you

But
you fly from home to home
Not finding rest where you roam
Because love is a drug tomb
And you are alone

I open my hands little butterflies
Though you do not rest here
It will be open for you
Whenever you need to company
But
The door to my heart is close
I am moving on
Because I know
You are someone to marvel
To be awe of
To admire at
But never to grasp
Never to own

I am moving on
Because at the end of the tunnel
She is waiting
She that He has prepared
She that I would protect
She that I would adore
She that would I honour Him
So for now
Goodbye LOVE
- Dan -

Giving advice

There are things in life not best experience - One friend told me this verse and he cynically puts in an analogy. He said something like if you have not experience jumping down a cliff or fifty stories building, do you want to try it ? I think if I would to look back to my life to this point in the future I would laugh it off, wondering how could I be so caught up with so many things. I like the idea of people coming back from the future ( the episode in Heroes when Hiro went back to warn Peter !! ) It would be a cool thing if I could warn myself of all the wrong things before I do it ! Warn myself not eat so much because I might grow super fat ! OR tell myself not waste time being here and focus on what is important- And the list goes on ! What I am trying to say here is- If you not ready for a relationship, don't dive even though you think it is the best thing to do. You dive into it because you are in serious need of intimacy ? Because sometimes it ain't worth it.

A friend once said
We want someone to love us deeply

I agree
BUT me right now

I don't have love messages every three minutes
I just grab empty compliments
I don't have love calls asking how I am
I just have to get along

I don't have someone complimenting me
I have to make airs for myself
I don't have a shoulder to cry on
I just have my knees

I don't have people caring if I am sick
I just have to toughen up
I don't have presents coming my way
I just buy what I can afford

I don't have someone to follow me around
I just walk alone
I don't have people dedicating love song
I just listen to the radio

I don't have people to treat me playfully
I just play by myself
I don't have someone who tries to make me laugh
I laugh at comedies

I don't have someone to comfort me
I just simply cry at the corner
I don't have someone to soften my heart
I just have to make it harder

I don't have people to complaint to
I just write it out
I dont have people to eat with
I just dine alone

I don't have people to share with
I just eat and grow fat
I don't have people to talk to all day
I just whisper in my sleep alone

I don't have someone that cares so much it hurts
I just am an insignificant person

I hate going to parks
I hate seeing lovers
Parks are your best hang out place
Lovers encourage you

I am not as fortunate
thatz why I have to take up what I have

Pain

I feel that I have wasted lots of my time doing ridiculous matters. One of the things is staying up watching anime and scrubs when I should be doing my assignment. I guess a lot of times I just want to run !! RUN RUN !! Run to a place where the pain is not there. Run to a place I won't feel the rejection.

Because, rejection is my weakest link. I cannot face rejection. If I do, I will just give up everything and walk. I would just wish I was dead. Rejection from the very people I love. I guess that is the biggest pain one can feel. Knifes and bullets are no match. The man loses his soul. He no longer lives in his body.

The second biggest pain one can feel is being lonely. I created the word- Onirihphic - the fear of being alone. Its the sound. A ringing sound in your ear. The thoughts that says you are alone. Its like you no longer exist in the eyes of people. You just wish you do not want to live either. Because living alone seems to be pointless. I feel that a lot since I came to college. Maybe because when I am home I had my family and best friends to keep me away from such illness.


The third biggest pain is knowing that your friend is going to the wrong road and you can do anything about. The feeling of hopelessness. This feeling is like cutting off your hands and legs. Not only that, despite the pain. You just see your love ones being killed. It horrible. You are asking for help but nothing seems to done. You want to help but that person no longer needs you. You are just an annoying noise that bugs make.

The last pain is the hardest. The feeling of being abandoned. This feeling might seem to be same as rejection but its on a whole new level. I felt this feeling thrice in my whole life. Its when someone leaves you for someone better. Its so horrible that you feel hell is not even better place to suffer. You feel like you can no longer walk or even eat. You feel a surging pain in the heart and brain. It wont stop even when you close your eyes and try to sleep. It will bug you until you are just want to scream.

Puzzled

There was a dark cloud in the sky. The little boy lay down under the oak tree on the field observing it through the small hole in between the branches. As he lay there, the cloud grew. It became darker and started to filled the sky. Then, big drops like bullets hit his face. Like a million bullets. The sound of thunder struck. The little boy did not move. It did not matter if he was struck down by lightning or even catch a cold... He just lay still staring at the dark sky. After a long while, his lips parted and as if like whisper. It was hard audible . His words were. Where - is - everybody ? Why did they go away ? What did I do wrong ?

Words for a memory

Dear memory,

There was a time
A time that I wanted to please God
My life and dreams devoted to Him
With much innocence I,
Took oaths and promises
I guess the young Mosses took over

I wanted live a Godly life
Be a Godly husband
Be a Godly worker
Doing remarkable things
The problem was I try to do it my way

What I did was
I killed a person
stabbed the heart
and like a natural result
I was suffering the consequences as well

I not only lost my dreams
but the ability to make a difference
I not only lost my hope
but became a downfall to others

I guess this is my dessert
And my wilderness
But
thank God
He gives second chances
I am fighting this depression in me
I am want to stay positive
To be His worker and
with His grace to overcome the pharaoh
in me

With this - I leave with this words
There was once we flew in the sky
There was once we saw each other side by side
We smiled and was crazy
The world changed
I fell and left you in the sky
For that
I am sorry
By God's grace can I ask a pardon
for the things I have committed
But as you have reached your destination
I am just going to take off
I guess the sky is not mean for us
So
I am going
If you see me from the ground or even see me from above
Do smile
Because I will smiling and flying
in which direction He leads
For those moments we flew
I thank you !
You will be my sweet memory !
Take Care
~ Dan ~

Secret scrolls of the wounded

There is a time
When you feel darkness covers your heart
There is a time
When you feel many cuts that are too hard to bear
There is a time
When you just want to die
There is a time
When you think you just want to give up


There is a time
When you want to hurt everybody so that your hurt will seem less
There is a time
When you want to blame the world and blame you too
There is a time
When you just want self pity even though that itself is pity
There is a time
When you just want to think that this whole event is a nightmare

There is a time
When your dreams vanish to thin air
There is a time
When you feel like a tool more than human
There is a time
When you just want to be an invisible
There is a time
When tears flow down those cheeks

The time to mourn
The time to be angry
The is time to be depressed
MUST have its ends
MUST come to a stop

And only you CAN do it
YOU can stop this depress heart
Of COURSE you need help
BUT it starts with you
You must stop these thoughts
Take captive of them
BECAUSE if you don't
IT WILL DESTROY YOU

This is the time
to walk
AWAY
YOU CAN DO IT !!

To the girl in pain !

We pass by one another each day.
Yet I still do not know your name.
We see each other everyday.
Yet I do not know how are you feeling deep inside
We walk by everyday.
Yet I do not know that you are hurting
We talk each day.
Yet I do not know that you just want to disappear.
We laugh together each day
Yet I do not know that you are thinking of leaving your life.

If by doing all these with you
I do not realize the condition you are in
I have failed as a friend
I have failed as brother
I have failed to see the real you

BUT
I don't want to be this failure
I want to know the real you
That's because I care
That's because I think you are worth
All the pain, time and money
That's because I will embrace
the ugly you as I embrace the beauty in you
That's because I want you to know
That you are not alone
That I will walk with you
And pray with you

If only
if only
You will let me

Hero

Every boy's dream at the certain age or another is to become a hero. Be someone people admire, become the one person that people look up to, and to save lives not forgetting the love of his life. Sounds perfect ? This ideal thought is pretty much flawless. The knight in shinning armor. Then in every story, there is the old knight (some stories). He is the veteran, the person that has gone through a lot of battles. The advice he gives is like honey on the rock !

Dreams will not become reality ! The ideals are for dreams and fantasy ! I have always wanted to be a hero. A hero in society ! Making such an impact in a person's life that He or she will turn away from the wicked path ! Sounds heroic ?? Pretty much is when I first thought of it !! I was even beginning to pat myself at the back for coming up with such a brilliant life !! BUT - I am no hero ! I think in actual fact when war strikes - I will be the first to run. I have running away with so many problems in life ! I am not a strong person to be exact ! My name carries the sound of a stronger prime minister that withstood the worst kings of His days !

Arrows have struck me ! Wound have been so severe in my heart ! I am just so tired of fighting so I ran AGAIN. I wonder what will happen if David ran ? The army would have won and history would have been different !

Broken but not down

It would be something like dropping a crystal glass. It shatters into a million pieces. I wonder how does it sound like when a heart breaks. It has got to be a loud cracking sound because the pain is certainly real. The vulnerability felt after is somewhat unbearable. When rejected, a person feels lost and most probably abandoned. Something like a mom throwing away a baby. Sometimes, people go insane because of this. Yet majority of the crowd goes through it and turns out ok ! I guess.

The word I got this morning is be contended with what I have. I am asking God what do I have left ? Its all shattered pieces. It was even trampled upon twice ! How do I go on living ? Many or a good sum of people will tell you that it is a phase of life. I am here to tell you that it is certainly a phase of life but if you don't go through it well .. It will end up breaking you further. Now back to question - How do I go living ? A broken relationship if you piece it together, It wont stick just as well. You somehow feels that something is missing from your life.

Many will just look for another to fill that place. In this holllow of emptiness. Its an agony ! I think God does not want us to have these relationships. He intended them to nourishing and encouraging . It is we human race that turns it rotten. Despite that, what men meant for evil God will turn to good. I keep having these saddening thoughts in mind. It taunts me like as if broken these little little pieces just plunges your heart and blood just simply flow out in tiny streams. It is easier to find a replacement but it is never easy to stay single !! And the repeat the cycle. It is hard to be contented with being friends. It is hard to say I don't care anymore. It is hardest to say that I am going to wait upon the Lord instead of go out "hunting".

I think this is my bear and my lion. As pastor andy says, I need to go to school. He needs to mould me to walk a greater path ahead. He needs to mould me so that I could be with someone He has prepared for me. That this relationship ahead will be nourshing and encouraging to one another. That we will love another with Him at the centre. That we can say " I need God to love him" How do I go one living ? By simply living in His grace , holding on to His goodness and yes be contented with what He gives. For God bless those who loves the Lord.

Distrubing ?

I was bored in the day and I decided to read the day's paper to check out what is going on with this world. To my disappointment, no news really captured my attention : stolen jet, a predictable results on the debate on religious issues, etc. The thing that captured my attention is not really news but a saying from the founder Malaysia's first private boarding school for girls in Cempaka. She said that she was dismayed when parents told her that they were their child's friend. She personally believed that

what children really need is a firm hand.

These words crept into my small mind and fell into unsettled juices as many thoughts germinated. I would agree with this statement to a certain extent. Children or teenagers need parents ( sometimes more than they think) to show them that
- In this world you have to stand tall when all else is falling apart
- You have to keep a strong face when the loved one hurt you
- You have to keep your faith when things go as well
- You have to be gentlemen or lady when people ridicule you and spit you
- You have to fight for what you believe for
- Live is unfair, that does not mean you have to give up living, not give up fighting
- Sometimes you just have to rough it out and there are times you just have to let go

The role model that I would like to highlight would Atticus from the killing a mockingbird. I looked up to this man though he is just a fictional character but sound words of this man attitude really gains my respect.

***

Parents should show a firm hand when the time is needed but they should be a child's friend because there are times when they don't really have any.